don't make me drink that

I had to have an upper GI/small intestinal study done this morning. It was totally thrilling. I wish I could do it again....

You know those women who can pop a baby out every year or so and then walk out of the hospital feeling spectacular? I'm not one of those women. Except that someone forgot to mention that to the fertility fairy.

So now I'm sitting here, having given birth to 4 kids before my oldest turned 5. And my non-existent abdominal wall/stomach muscles are throwing tantrums about it. I have been having quite a bit of pain an inch or so above my belly button, which I thought was just your standard hernia. So I had hernia surgery at the beginning of August.

Still the pain.

So then I had to have a CT scan done to see if the Dr missed something. Which was highly likely. Because I had my OBGYN fix it. Stupid, I know. Because what does he know about intestines anyway?! His business is a little bit....lower. But since I had just had my baby, and since the man had cut me open previously (all of my kids were c-sections...did I mention that?) I figure, "What the heck, Doc, fix my hernia."

So then the CT scan came back showing another tiny hernia, and a nice little intestinal loop. So then my Dr ordered the upper GI/small intestine study. He was worried that either the loop or hernia could be potentially life threatening since they were causing so much pain. Must we be so dramatic? Really.

When my Dr's receptionist called last week to tell me she had made the appointment the conversation went like this:

Receptionist: "I've got you scheduled for Monday morning, will that work?"

Me: "Hmmmm, I don't know. It might not be able to do it then..."

R: "Well, what day is good for you and I'll have it rescheduled?"

Me: "Let me see, how about.....NEVER!! In fact let's go back to pretending like there's nothing wrong. It hasn't killed me yet, so I'm going to take my chances. IN FACT, I am now dropping off the face of the earth......you have reached the voicemail box of Darla Wenkle -because Melissa Bastow no longer exists - please leave a message, BEEEEP."

Then I hung up.

Or was that all in my head? Because I'm pretty sure I went this morning. And I'm pretty sure it was torturously nasty.

Last night I had to use their "bowel prep kit," which is code for: the worst diarrhea you've ever had in your life.

The prep kit came with a nasty drink. I'm not fond of nasty drinks. I have had to do 7 gestational diabetes test where I had to drink their gross stuff - NEVER had gestational diabetes. I also had to drink a nasty drink when I did the previously mentioned CT scan. And I knew I would have to drink something today. But I had no idea how horrid it was going to be.

I changed into my x-ray approved bra-less scrubs. Cruel not let me wear a bra - I'm nursing my 4th child - - 'they' were practically hanging out of the bottom of my scrub top. But at least it wasn't a hospital gown because I HATE THOSE THINGS.

Then they made me stand wedged between a table and the big alien-ish machine and handed me a cup.

Me: "Um....this is paint."

X-ray Dr: "No, it's blahbee-bloobapa (medical name), go ahead and take a big swallow."

Me: "I don't want to...it looks like paint."

X-ray Dr: "You need to drink that."

Me: "But I DON'T WANT TO."

X-ray Dr: "Take a drink."

Me: "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!"

So then I drank my paint.

And then they gave me nasty fizzing powder....and a half swallow of water.

And then they gave me BIG cup full of paint that was just a teeny bit thinner and "easier to swallow." Liars. It wasn't easier to swallow. It was gross.

Oh, and apparently I'm the world's fastest paint digester, because it was already to my colon after 20 minutes. I know this because they took pictures. And yes I just typed the word COLON, and you read it. There is no dignity left. I just drank paint and had my rectum x-rayed.