Feb 23, 2013

dear pinterest, you're a jerk

I have beef with pinterest.  I mean, I LIKE pinterest, and if you check you'll see that I have about 500 boards and 7 million pins, but lately it's just gotten annoying.  I feel a little like it's trying to boss me around, or make me feel guilty, or judge me from a distance.

For example, according to pinterest:

We should tell our girls 25 certain things before they turn ten, because there is no possible way they can live to age 11 without it.

If you didn't take certain wedding photos you shouldn't breath the same air as the rest of us.

Your living room should have at least one black and white photo collage wall, and if you don't have anything with chevron in your house you might as well live in a cardboard box.

There are 17 specific things that moms MUST do with sons because "they are SO important" and no one would know how to raise a son without this amazing pin. (How did our ancestors cope?)

You can feed your entire extended family for 7 years with $100 worth of groceries and a crockpot.  And it's all completely healthy.

Never ever "waste" your toilet paper rolls, because the fact that it has already held the toilet paper and can be easily recycled is just not enough.

Doing your hair in a unique and different way every single day is the ONLY way to have hair if you care at all about being a human being.

Choose one of 47 different recipes for homemade laundry detergent, body wash, febreeze, deodorant, toothpaste, toe jam remover, cough syrup, and motor oil.

You should love your abs more than any kind of food or you're just a disgusting lard butted waste of space.

When introducing a new baby to older siblings you should put lots of effort into it for the kids' sakes, because pushing a human being out of your body wasn't enough work.

You should never ingest anything that's not organic/vegan/home grown, unless of course it's named "better than sex" anything, or my personal favorite "crack" whatever.  (Just because its your favorite recipe doesn't mean you should call it "crack bread" or "crack brownies" or "crack scrambled eggs" - that is just stupid.  And extremely ignorant.)

A baby cannot possibly sleep in a boring regular room - if the nursery is not color coordinated, sophisticated, and somehow turn the closet into something completely useless, then you are doing it wrong and your baby will suffer horribly.

There are more, many many more, but all of these things probably won't stop me from participating in the pinning frenzy, even if they sometimes make me want to leave snide comments on random people's boards.  However I am going to start caring a whole lot less about how my house looks, and what I do (or do not do) with my kids, and if I toss toilet paper rolls without even a smidgen of guilt.

So go ahead Pinterest and judge me from afar.  I pretty much don't care.

Feb 15, 2013

submit suggestions here

I'm attempting a life makeover.  It's kind of not that easy.  But it's not like I'm changing everything.  Just mostly stuff like priorities, sleeping habits, and other small things, you know,  like my name.

I'm actually looking for name suggestions, if you have some.  But there are some rules:

1- It can't be boring.  I've been "Melissa" for a long time now, and I have to say that it's really not a name that impresses a classroom full of second graders.

2- It can't use the letters U or Y.  Just because I've decided not to use them.  And I'm still iffy on using a K.

3- The name should symbolic of something magical.  But not anything nerdy.  Just because I believe in unicorns and a secret underworld full of lizard people doesn't mean I'm a dweeb.

4- It has to be at least 3, but no more than 7 syllables.  Let's just say I want it to be a mouthfull.

I'm also thinking about a blog redesign.  Like, maybe if it's pretty, it will be easier to get back to sharing my inner most thoughts here?  And also because a life makeover means changes have happened and I need to update things anyway.

However, I'm not sure what kind of design I want to go with.  I'm thinking maybe something super simple though.  Partly because I'm in a simplicity mode, and partly because I'm too lazy to do something complex.

What do you think?

Feb 13, 2013

migraines are like that one annoying friend you have

I used to get migraines all the time.  But then I got really good at figuring out my migraine triggers and how to cut one off before it really ever started.  But the thing about migraines is that they're like that one annoying friend that stops by for visits even when you make up a myriad of excuses to get out of it.

It's like my migraines miss hanging out or something, so they insist on paying a visit.

If migraines could talk they'd say something like, "Hey girl, it's been so long since I've given you double vision and vertigo that I just thought I'd stop by and make you barf.  This so much fun!"

Migraines would probably have really nasaly voices too, just to be extra obnoxious.  And fish breath. And if they had fingers they'd probably go around your house turning on all the lights, and then they'd pinch your kids just to make them scream.

And you know how, just like that one annoying friend, migraines stay waaaaay too long?  Or they threaten to make a reappearance so you just have to lay there and play dead, hoping they'll just get bored and go away?  I really hate that.

Some people can just ride out their migraines and then be fine in a few hours, or the next day, or whatever.  But not me.  The only way to get rid of mine is to go full-on drug lord and swallow my weight in pain killers.  And then I have to lock myself in a lightless, noiseless, smell-less room and fall into a drug coma for awhile.

My methods usually work, although not always.  Because sometimes my migraines like to have sleepovers.  And even if it does work, I always have to deal with the next day drug hangover, which usually involves a completely different kind of headache.

It's all just superbly annoying.  And completely unnecessary, you know what I mean?

Feb 4, 2013

breath, roots tech, other stuff....

Right now my breath tastes horrible.  I can only imagine how bad it smells.  I wonder if I could actually kill small mammals with it?  But finding out would require locating a small mammal, and I think I'm just going to brush my teeth instead.

So guess who's going to Roots Tech this year?  With a press pass?  ME.  I'm really excited because I hear that it's awesome there.  And they just announced that Syd Lieberman is going to be one of the thursday morning keynote speakers, and I really really like him. 

I think you guys should all come with me to Roots Tech, so go and get an early bird ticket before the 15th.  Because cheaper is always better.

Did you know that you can't lodge an official complaint to the USPS?  At least they wouldn't let me.  I was really mad at them because I ordered a white suit for Opie's baptism last weekend, and I paid for express shipping so we'd have it a few days before we needed it.  And then THE USPS LOST IT and we had to call 3 different post offices, and talk to about 7 different people, and then finally got someone nice who found it and let us pick it up about a half hour before we left our house for the stake center.  And they wouldn't even put my complaint on record.  I'm totally using FedEx from now on.

Since it's been so snowy and cold lately Husband has been taking the car every day instead of the bus.  So he's also in charge of picking Monkey up from kindergarten.  But it's finally warming up a teensy, so I get the car again, and I've decided to break the parking rules at our school.  They want parents to just parallel park along the side of the road, which isn't super easy because it's a dead end street with sporadic sidewalks and mounds of dirty snow. 

And not all of us are good at parallel parking anyway.

So I used to leave the house really early just so I could get a spot before everyone else came.  Which was sort of annoying.  And not always possible.

But they also have a turnabout for buses.  Except that there is ONE bus and whole lot of turnabout.  So now I just leave my house at the right time, and I park behind the bus.  Even though that's breaking "parent parking conduct".  It's super awesome, because I don't have to deal with any other cars.  Because apparently I'm the only one that isn't bothered by breaking stupid rules.

I wonder how long it will take before someone tells me to stop?