Feb 24, 2011

I saw a ghost today.

In a moment of indulgence I watched the latest Ghost Hunters episode on Hulu while I ate lunch today.

I love Ghost Hunters.  (Except for the team changes on GHI - to that I say "BOOOO" and also "BRING BACK ROBB!!")

I'm convinced there are ghosts living in our very house.  (Well, ok, not LIVING, obviously.  Since ghosts are dead people.  But you know what I mean.)

You know when you see something move out of the corner of your eye, but when you look nothing is there?  I do that all. of. the. time.

At least 10 times an hour.

Of course, I'm not convinced that every time I do this I'm "seeing" a ghost.  I have totally screwed up eyeballs.  I know this.  Especially when it comes to things like peripheral vision and shadows and stuff.

So probably there are no ghost living in our house.

But I'm still going to check for them.

Because I'd like to think we have a house that all friendly, and potentially helpful (like the kind that make dinner for you), ghosts feel comfortable hanging out in.  It's important to me.

So anyways.

Today at lunch,

Watching Ghost Hunters.

At the computer desk.

Wearing my awesome pink headphones with the stars on them.  (They really are awesome.)

And as Jason and Grant are investigating a light anomaly in the lobby of this huge hotel I sense some movement out of the corner of my eye.

So I swing the chair around reeeeally fast to see what it is. Expecting nothing.  Like usual.

But instead there's an apparition standing RIGHT THERE.  It was totally solid and spooky and shaped just like a little boy.

In fact it was a little boy.

My little boy, Opie.  Who had snuck up beside me because he knew he wasn't allowed out of his room until it was clean.

Except my brain had to take all of this in really fast and it kind of got stuck on the part about an apparition standing RIGHT THERE.

And so I totally freaked out my 6 year old when he saw me turn to him at the rate of a sugar-highed-spazz and  look at him with my face most likely resembling this:

Maybe I'm not so open to the idea of ghost living in our house after all.

I want to win a computer.

It's no secret that I have computer issues. 


If the electronics in this house were any older, the owner manuals would be written on stone tablets.  Or possibly cave walls.

So I want to win this:

(Hi Crissy, I stole your picture.  But it was SOOOOOOOO PRETTY that I had to.)

I've never actually read Crissy's blog before, which pretty much makes me a giveaway heathen, but I know that she's gotta be awesome to get an entire computer to review AND an extra one to give to a random stranger.

I'm just really hoping I'm that random stranger.

Required statement below:
Dear Crissy is giving away an HP TouchSmart 310

Feb 21, 2011

someday, when I've made it

Sometimes I get a real craving to ride a unicorn.

This might surprise a lot of you who know me.  I really don't seem like the unicorn type of girl.  And honestly, I'm not.  Unicorns, butterflies, holding my pinky out during a tea party - not really my thing. 

I'm more of a push-somebody-down-and-then-laugh-at-them kind of person.

It's just that you know that you've really made it when the government grants you special access to their top secret unicorn reserve.

Someday I'll be walking through those bunker doors, selecting the unruliest unicorn, and saddling up.  You just wait.

Oh yeah, and don't worry, I'll take pictures.  I don't even care that it says "no flash photography" in the fine print on my special access government waiver.

Feb 17, 2011

sometimes I pretend that I've frolicked with grizzly bears for no good reason because obviously it wasn't worth the imaginary effort I put in

The robins were ushered home on a warm nothernly breeze.  "Spring is coming!" they chirped gaily from the bare branches in the yard.

Throwing on a flowered parka, I lept from the house in a flutter of excitement. 

I danced in the streets and I frolicked through meadows, singing, "Tra la laaaaaa,"  catching the sweet, red-chested birds on my outstretched fingertips.  Our melody was harmonious to even the harshest of creatures, and soon our exuberant dance was joined by floppy eared bunnies and grizzly bears just awakened from hibernation.  The  foxes were doing the tango and the walruses tap-dancing.  All of us giving glorious thanks to Mother Nature for the introduction of warmer weather.

But in our excitement we had forgotten an important detail.

We had forgotten that Mother Nature has stopped taking her pills.

And Mother Nature, is quite obviously off her rocker.  Out of her head.  Completely MAD.

Yesterday morning we frolicked.

At noon it snowed, but with the sun still rejoicing and the air still warm.

Early evening brought a torrential hail storm that covered the Earth in a coat of white in under 3.27 minutes.

This morning we woke up to ice and snow.

The Robins are a little miffed they came without thinking to bring a big bottle of Prozac for Mother Nature (and possibly some Midol).

And our weather here is considered mellow.  Honestly, Mother Nature, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

Also, I do NOT own a flowered parka.  (I can't believe you thought that was true.  It's like you don't know me at all.)

Feb 12, 2011

vomit and prayer

You know, kids should really come with a vomit early warning system.  Maybe something like a blaring siren and then a 30 second electronic countdown.  And you should be able to choose the voice of the countdown too.  Like if you want the standard female robot voice, great.  Or you could upgrade to the premium vomit early warning system that comes with the option of attractive English male accent or Looney Tunes "dropping anvil" sound effects.  I would totally pay for the upgrade - but I'd even be happy with the standard warning system - IF ONLY THEY HAD ONE.

So, the other day, I was making my kids clean their rooms.  Which actually happens a lot here, even though my kids' reactions would say otherwise.  They always act like this whole room cleaning thing is a new concept and that I'm a humongous jerk to make them do it.  Or they pull the, "you want us to clean it AGAIN?!!" and I say, "well, did it get dirty AGAIN?"  and they're like, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Because getting them to clean anything around here evokes much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

So, back to the other day, specifically, I bribed them to clean their rooms.  I said that whomever could clean the fastest could go to the dollar store and pick something out.  But it wasn't really a real contest because the other kids make Two Bits clean about 95% of everything around here, so we all knew who was going to win. 

Opie had to freak out about it anyway, because a trip to the dollar store, OH BOY.  But after a good amount of wailing he decided to change strategies and asked me, "If I pray, will Heavenly Father help me clean fast?"  So I told him how if he prayed he would still have to put forth effort, but that he'd probably have a little extra help in going faster, because Heavenly Father will help us when we're willing to try hard.  And then I patted him on the head and sent him off to pray thinking to myself how wonderful it was to watch his little testimony grow inside his little precious heart.

A few minutes later, Opie very excitedly came to tell me, "It's working.  I just keep saying, 'HELP ME GOD!!!' over and over while I clean and I'm going faster!!"  And then he ran back to his room to mutter his mantra of "HELP ME GOD!!" and finish making his bed.

Honestly, I should probably teach him a slightly more appropriate way to "pray" but, um, for now, we're just going to go with it.  He is only 6.  And there's that whole testimony heart thing.  Plus, the whole situation had me laughing for like half an hour, and then again when I told Husband.  And right now. And probably later, when I reread this post in 5 years.

And I would think of a better way to end this post - maybe something about praying for vomit, or I don't know, I could use the phrase "toss your cookies", but sorry, I can't.  Because I have another warning-less child vomiting in bed.  (Do you think if I pray Heavenly Father will clean it up for me?)

Feb 1, 2011

A February Barrel


For those of you waiting with baited breath......is that phrase right?  Baited?  Bated?  Slated?  It at least rhymes with "baited" right?  Grated?  Slupated?  Mortated?  Loollipoolapalated?  Who cares what the phrase is: THE LATEST BARREL IS OUT!!!

It would have been online earlier today, except that the online magazine software we use has major issues with bold fonts.  I don't know why.  It just hates boldness.  So changes had to be made and still there's residual font issue.  STUPID ONLINE SOFTWARE GET OVER YOUR BOLD-A-PHOBIA. 

And thank you to everyone who suggestion potty talk stories.  I have to admit that Heather's suggestion was my favorite.  But it was long-ish, and I couldn't fit it onto one page.  So I went with one from That Girl.  (It's a good one too.)

My kids have been banished to their rooms for about an hour now, and the screaming still hasn't subsided, so possibly I should act all mommy-ish now and stop ignoring them.  Maybe.....