Jan 27, 2012

a house? what? maybe?

I keep getting emails from realtors for some reason.  But Husband and I haven't really discussed the idea of buying a house for months.  Mostly because the houses here are all tiny, ancient, and expensive, so why bother?  Except a couple nights ago, instead of sending another realty email in the trash, I OPENED IT.

And then I saw a bunch of tiny, ancient, and expensive houses.

But then I kept looking. 

I did one of those searches where you put in only the areas that you're considering and I accidentally put in the wrong area without realizing it.  And then...


I FOUND   i t .

"It" being a really inexpensive house with the right amount of space and yard and garage and potential.  And even though it's not in the area that Husband likes, it's not really that far away at all.  As in, it will take him 15 minutes to drive to work instead of 7.

So I got all crazy obsessed with it and checked everything out about the house and the neighborhood online, and then I texted my friend who sells real estate and made her find out more about it.  And then my friend, my husband, and I went and looked at it.


We took our kids with us, but had to lock them in the car for fear of their safety.  The listing online had said that the house "only needed flooring and paint".  NO.  It needs much much much more than that.  The floors were littered with mouse poop and mud and dog pee, and  really gross unidentifiable stuff.  The walls had layers and layers of grody nastiness (and lots of sharpie) on them.  Doors and windows were broken throughout the house.  There was something resembling a blood stain coming out of the bottom of the fridge door and floor around it.  The bathrooms......ugh, the bathrooms.

Basically, it is 157% unliveable.


I super love it.  Not the nastiness, of course, but the house.  The structure and yard and floorplan and neighborhood and price are amazing.  In my daydreams I'm hiring a hazmat crew to go in and rip out all cabinets, appliances, bathrooms, lighting fixtures, doors, etc. and then SUPER MEGA CLEAN everything.  And then my daydreams evolve into me picking out all the flooring and paint and kitchen and all the other STUFF and getting exactly what I want and then living in it and being happy.

And you want to know a secret?  My daydreams might actually come true because we put an offer in on it last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (<--those would be overly excited exclamation points.)

And now here's the part where I ask you all to tell everyone you know (literally, EVERYONE) to buy stuff from Green Jello with Carrots, and my etsy shop, or my digital scrapbook designs at MyMemories.  Because we need to pull off some kind of humongous miracle and get a downpayment saved.  (It only has to be a small downpayment - but when you're talking house, even a "small" amount is insanely a lot.)

When I'm in my new house (you know, once it's liveable) I'm totally having a party and you're all invited!

Jan 19, 2012

late at night

My brain has decided that it will only sleep between the hours of 4AM and noon.  And it doesn't matter how much my tired body complains, or how early I am required to get out of bed in the morning, my brain simply refuses to let sleep happen. 

I think I've stayed up late working one too many nights and now my brain is just hardwired for the no sleeping thing. 

Plus, Husband's snoring has been reeeeeally bad lately.  You know how some people call snoring "sawing logs"?  He's singlehandedly taking down a giant Redwood forest.  And how am I supposed to sleep in the same bed as a huge mutant chainsaw?  Especially when he's facing my side of the bed.  Because then, not only is he loud, but he also BREATHES on me.  I really can't handle it when people breathe on me.

The other night I was super exhausted but it was only midnight, so the plan was to read until I got tired.  And I had a free self-published chick lit novel all cued up on my ipad, so that's what I read.  I didn't have really high hopes for it, because, you know, it was free self-published chick lit, but the synopsis said it had ghosts in it and you know how I can never refuse ghosts.


The main character was every stereotype rolled into one person.  She was an independent, strong willed push over, who was self-rightesouly shallow and intelligently naive.  Also, she was the optimal height, skinny, bronzed and amply chested.  And of course she was above things like makeup, but deemed a local beauty.

Like most chick lit, she was on the verge of social flat line when suddenly she had to choose between two equally gorgeous and emotionally similar men.  Except that one of these men was A GHOST.  Which would have made an semi-interesting plot line, if the author had thought to develop the plot at all.

It went like this:

She moves into a cottage on the seaside.  A ghost forms in front of her.  He's shirtless.  She goes, "Woah, you're a ghost."  He says, "Yes, I hang out here a lot."  They have a few awkward conversations that involve in no way how dumb it is that she's talking to a ghost about deeply personal topics that had no prelude whatsoever.  One night the ghost realizes he can touch her.  In a matter of half a sentence everyone jumps to the wild assumption that this means he coming back to life.  She freaks out and runs away.  The ghost disappears forever.

Her other love interest was a wealthy business tycoon that had broad shoulders, icy blue eyes and chiseled abs.  Of course he had a undeniable reputation of being a horrific womanizer, which he denied constantly.  He forces her on a date, then man handles her, then yells at her, then shoves her into the ocean after she tells him it's her biggest fear, then forces her to stay in his mansion.  But she loves him anyway because he has a secret albino daughter, and once he bought her an expensive dress, and because his chiseled abs are just too hard to refuse.  And then they get married.  The end.

I read the whole book in one insomnia-liscious night.  And it really wasn't worth it. 

I wish I could just sleep.

Also, I want to write my paranormal romance mock-novel more than ever now.

Jan 17, 2012

bathroom mirrors

You know how in scary movies there's always that bathroom scene where someone is getting ready for bed, and they open their vanity mirror to grab their toothbrush or antipsychotic medication or whatever, and then when they swing the vanity mirror closed there's a ghost or an axe murderer or a giant insect behind them?  I can't even tell you how many times I think about that on a daily basis. 

It's because my bathroom mirror looks like this:

Except we made our landlord replace the mirror with something less GRUNGING SINCE IN 1930.  So for two weeks it actually looked like this:

Which temporarily helped me with my seeing-a-ghost/axe murderer/giant insect-behind-me-every-time-I-close-the-mirror phobia.  However it was a humongous pain in the butt every time we wanted to actually see our reflections.

So anyways, I'm kind of tired of being freaked out every time I need to open and close that thing.  Except the lack in storage space in that bathroom is way more scary than the thought of seeing a ghost/axe murderer/giant insect so I still use it.  Plus also, I heard that if you have your toothbrush sitting out within 4 feet of a toilet, every time you flush you're basically giving your mouth a feces shower.  And our bathroom is only about 5 inches big, so I HAVE to keep my toothbrush behind the mirror with a bunch of other stuff I use on a daily basis.  Which means I have to open and close that thing like 15 times a day.

If I ever actually see a ghost/axe murderer/giant insect one of these days I will probably faint. 

And since our bathroom is only 5 inches big there's really nowhere to fall without smacking your head on something. 

So, most likely, I will die of head trauma and blood loss if I faint. 

And if I die, I think I'm going to haunt people by showing up in their bathroom mirrors, because how much fun would that be?!

Loads of fun, I tell you.  LOADS.

Jan 12, 2012

where to begin...

So much has happened since I last blogged that I feel like I should back track and write 50 posts about it or something.  Except that I don't really want to.  And you probably don't want to hear most of it anyway, so I'll just give you bullet points of the biggish stuff:

• I worked a lot in November/December.  And that's all I'm saying about that boring subject.

• Two Bits was in a Christmas ballet, and she was pretty amazing.  And gorgeous, as usual, see:

Except this picture was taken during the dress rehearsal when she put on her own lipstick.  IT WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Eight year olds and red lipstick - it's just funny.

• I got a kidney stone.  Another one.  And I went to the dr this time so I could get drugs.  And they made me pee in a cup.  And if you're my facebook friend, you'll probably remember that I mentioned the color of my pee.  So, yeah, that was exciting.

• I celebrated my 10 year anniversary.  And we actually did something for a change.  We drove to Midway Utah, and watched tv in a condo for 2 days.  And I worked a little while we were there.  And we went to a store called "All That Stuff in the Barn".  And then my kidney hurt.  It was a MAGICAL celebration, I tell you.

• Christmas happened.  All the kids were pleased with their crap.  And my husband gave me a really awesome high-definition camcorder thingy.  It's about the size of my iphone, except that it records awesome videos (unlike my iphone).  And I love it.  And also I got a toaster with FOUR slots.  I KNOW.  It was a pretty good Christmas.

• I passed my kidney stone.  AND it only took me 2.7 weeks this time instead of the full month last time.  AND I have extra pain killers left.  Which is pretty much the coolest.

• I got a hair cut.  It is now slightly shorter than it was. And the lady who cut it was crrraaazzzy.

• I went to a wedding.  My brother-in-law got married.  Look, I have a picture:

What, did you think the picture would be of my brother-in-law?  (You're weird.)  This was taken at the END of the day, and boy were my kids CRANKY.

• New Years happened. whoopie.

• I had a birthday.  And I celebrated by being lazy ALLLLL DAY.  Except that was also the day they decided to cut down the enormous tree in our front yard.  So I pretty much spent the day fearing for our lives when they kept dropping huge branches on our roof.  But it was ok because I distracted myself with Hulu and Netflix and the 4000 K'nex I bought "for the family" for Christmas.  The kids were like, "Make a giraffe Mom!"  So I did:

It pretty much took the entire afternoon/evening, but it was basically AWESOME.  Don't believe me?  Here's more pictures:

See how it's taller than my first born child?  YEAH.  awesome.  And I didn't even have a pattern or instructions or anything - I just used my amazing brain and it's impressive understanding of children's toys.

• All this week I've had the stomach flu.  And everyone was like, "What if you're pregnant?!"  And then google told me horrible stories about women getting pregnant with an IUD.  And then I threw up some more.  But today I'm starting to feel better.  So, you know, PHEW.

And that's pretty much all I've done since I last blogged.  My life was just one thrilling and action packed event after another.  I'm surprised someone didn't hire a camera crew to follow me around just to document it all.  That would have made for some exciting reality tv (especially that part about the color of my pee).