Apr 29, 2011

my husband left me today

It's true.  We're in completely different states right now.  He started his new job today and everything. 

And thus begins my 6 weeks stint as a single parent.

So far, so good though.  Kind of.

I mean, I've been doing the parenting alone for like 12 1/2 hours, so I'm practically an expert at it now.  And seeing as I'm all knowledgeable and stuff, I'll share with you what I've learned:

1- I actually find it a lot less frustrating than having Husband around.  Like when I was making dinner tonight and I knew, being the only parent home, that if I didn't mix Opie's Mirilax into some chocolate milk that it just wasn't going to get done; versus when Husband is home and I'm making dinner and say, "Hey, can you help me and mix some Mirilax into some chocolate milk?"  And he says, "Sure." But really thinks I mean, "Hey can you help me and mix some Mirilax into some chocolate milk sometime within the next century?" and therefore it still comes down to the concept of "if I don't do it, it won't get done" except now I'm all ticked about it.  Yeah - less frustrating, this single parenting shtick.

2- Nutrition DOES NOT COUNT when there is only one parent around.  So yeah, technically I feed my kids all the time when Husband is gone.  But this is a different kind of "gone" so nutrition rules are officially and totally GONE.  So if I give my kids corndogs and poptarts and Chef Boyardee ravioli in a can, well, SO WHAT?

3- ..........?

Um, ok, so that's all I really know about single parenting so far.  But I really am an expert at this.  I totally see the next 6 weeks flying by in a blur of rainbows and puppies, and never once will my parenting skills come into question.

Ok, so honestly, I was like 2 hours into this whole new realm of parenting alone, and I was in my office having an excellent phone conversation with Caroline (FYI, phone conversations with Caroline are extremely entertaining) and suddenly came to the realization that there was an adult voice coming from downstairs

Turns out that Number Four's Occupational Therapist had been in our house for TEN MINUTES without me even knowing that someone was here.

It's a good thing that Number Four's Occupational Therapist is one of the nicest people I know.  (This is the same therapist that came one day, saw that I was sick, and ordered me to bed while she played with all four of my kids in the back yard for an hour.)

Also, I'm just really hoping she doesn't have any CPS friends.

Apr 26, 2011

title goes here?

Monkey took the tube of Spongebob kid toothpaste and has hidden it.

We can't find it anywhere.

And it's not like HE remembers. (Not surprising.  At all.)

But wherever that toothpaste is........it's probably squished out and smeared all over.


I sure hope we find it before we move...

Husband leaves for Utah in 3 1/2 days. 


The only good part about him going down weeks and weeks AND WEEKS before us is that he can find the rental house of perfection.  Or at least he better.

I know the title of "the rental house of perfection" seems like I would have a lot of rules about it.  But really I don't.  Just that it needs to be big enough, with a yard, by a good school,  and not near drug dealers, polar bears or any kind of low-security prison.

Well, that, and one more MAJOR rule that cannot be ignored:

The rental house of perfection cannot be old.  (And by old, I just mean, old, ok?)

Because old houses ARE ALWAYS HAUNTED.


And as much as I love ghosts, I will not live with them.

Apr 25, 2011

so here's the thing...

I have to make an announcement. But it's not one that I'm thrilled to make. For the past week I've been ignoring it so that, like the proverbial dog, it will just GO AWAY.

Honestly, the odds of it just going away are slim to fat-chance, so I should just announce it already.

I'm moving.

To Utah.

Every time I think about it, I also think I'm going to throw up.

I know there's a lot of people who like living in Utah, so I don't want to offend anyone, but I HATE UTAH. Direly. And when I moved away a decade ago I vowed never ever ever ev-er to move back.  EVER.  (Motherboard told me last week to never make that vow because then God HAS to force you to move back - - too bad her warning is about 10 1/2 years too late.)

So now, I'm sure you're asking yourself, "If you hate it so bad, why are you moving?"  Which is an excellent question.

Husband got a new job.  With real live actual benefits (jobs without benefits are, shall we say, of the devil, and having lived that way for years and years and years, yeah....you get the picture).  And while I heavily considered the idea of living here with the kids while he works there, the subsequent idea of single parenthood was enough to scare me into moving.  (My kids are pretty scary.)

So yeah.  Husband leaves to go work this friday.  The rest of us are staying here until school gets out in June.  Pretty much the job offer went like this: In January: "Thanks for your resume, we won't be hiring you."  In March: "Thanks for visiting our office, we'll be having a hiring freeze for quite some time."  In April: "You're hired!  Can you start work in 11 days?"  (And here I was praying for the hiring freeze to last....indefinitely.)

So if all my posts from this point on are whiny, complaintive and incoherently insane its because I'm single parenting for 6 weeks and then moving to the location of my nightmares.

Apr 21, 2011

will you please deliver these for me?

Dear People Who Live on my Street But Don't Know I Exist Let Alone Read my Blog (but whatever),

Please stop putting your garbage cans on the sidewalk.  Because a) it makes it really obnoxious to walk to the bus stop with a stroller (even though I drove today since it was kind of rainy, but that's totally beside the point so why did you even bring it up?) and b) because when all the garbage cans are on the sidewalk the poor garbage collector has to stop his truck, get out, move the can onto the street and then get back into his truck & use the mechanical arm to pick it up.

With as annoying as reason A is, I can only imagine the garbage collector's annoyance at having to get out of his truck at every house because people are too lazy to pull their cans another foot and off the curb.


That One Neighbor you Don't Know


Dear Opie,

If you scream even one more time, my head will most likely explode and brain guts will go all over the place and it will be YOUR job to clean it up.


The Woman Who Gave you Life and Therefore Can Take it Away 


Dear The Show Ghost Whisperer,

I've been watching all your seasons and episodes on Netflix while I work and I gotta say, Season 5?  Not your best effort.  The "shadows" and the "shinys"?  Really?  Not to mention that the entirety of season 4 was about how Jim dies and them comes back as Sam and they have to get remarried and blah blah and it's such a freakin' huge deal - then in season 5 he's just back to being JUST Jim.  Except that every once in awhile someone screws up and calls him "Dr Lukas" except that mostly they just call him "Jim Clancy" which is reeeeally obnoxious.

I have like 4 episodes of the last season left, and I want to enjoy them,


A Semi-Fan


Dear Dinner,

Go make yourself.

And be healthy, would you?

And when it comes down to it, I want you to jump into my children's mouths and make it to their stomachs.  Especially the green parts of you.  Never mind all the screaming the kids are doing - they'll be fine.  Just take advantage of the screams and jump in while their mouths are open.  Because, frankly, I'm sick of you not doing your job and nutritiously making my kids grow.


Yours Truly,
The One that Lives Here but Hates Making Food that's Just Going to End Up in the Garbage Anyway

Apr 15, 2011


Just thought I'd let you know, I had this Barbie when I was younger:

At least I remember that dress.  It was so practical - I mean, sequins go with just about anything.  And the ruffles on one side?  Super hip-reducing.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but my sisters didn't like playing Barbies with me because I "played wrong".  Yeah.  Just because their heads kept accidentally breaking off while I played didn't mean I was doing it "wrong".  Right?

And for further FYI, I also had safari Ken - you know, like the one in Toy Story 3.  The first time he comes out and he's in those dorky shorts and blue leopard print shirt?  Yeah, that one.

We're currently Ken-less (Barbies, we have, but no Kens) but back then he had molded plastic underwear under his shorts.  I gotta tell you, it confused the crap out of me.  Not that I'm saying he should have molded plastic genitalia- no, definitely not that.  But I had no brothers or anything, and in my naivety I had no idea what to expect the first time those shorts came off.  I think the molded plastic underwear just threw me off, is all. 

And if that was not enough FYI for, under the category of "Obnoxious Dolls from My Past",  I also had one of these:

That would be Kimber from Jem and the Holograms. Remember that show?  Yeah.....me neither.  But man was she a great doll.  She was a full half-inch taller than Barbie so she could be super intimidating to her lesser, yet larger-breasted, companions.  And her hair was bright pink - clearly a rebel.  (blond is so boring.)  And not once did her head pop off while I was "playing wrong".

Plus her pants were shiny.  And you just can't beat shiny pants.

Apr 9, 2011

now that I posses technology....

I am writing this post on my new iPad.

When I send emails on here the signature says "sent from my shiny new ipad2 of awesomeness". But in reality, it's sort of not living up to the tremendously amazing hype I built it up to be in my head.

You see, I used to be technology deprived. But then came my iPad and my iPhone and I was riding a wave of app induced euphoria for about 2 1/2 weeks.

But now I'm starting to notice the little things about all this technology that are really starting to bug me.

Like, the ipad2 has a camera on the front and the back, which I guess was one of their cool new features. But all I can think about is how some perv out there could be hacking into things to WATCH ME while I play Angry Birds. How's a girl to know if her innocent little iPad camera isn't documenting her every facial twitch? And HEAVEN FORBID the thought of picking my nose - it's just not safe.

However, I have come up with a solution to this fear. And now I, at all times, keep a finger pressed over the camera hole.

I'm doing it right now, in fact. Which makes for annoying one handed typing, but you just never know when you're going to get an itch in the nasal cavities that cannot be remedied in a private or lady like manner.

Another thing that bugs me about the iPad is the stupid automatic text correction feature is always telling me how wrong my name is. It doesn't have a problem with Melissa, but even attempt the word Bastow and it goes into a frenzy of corrections. Frankly I'm a little appalled,and more than a smidgen offended,that Apple didn't just have Bastow programmed in as a correct word to begin with. It's like they weren't even thinking about me at all when they made this thing.

I could probably continue this post with a few more complaints (like, why do my pocket frogs only ribbit sometimes and not on command? or why is my husband under the serious delusion that this is also his iPad when I have specifically, and on more than one occasion, yelled, "it's MINE!! Mine, I say!!!".) but I'm really starting to get a cramp in my camera hole covering finger, so I'm just going to wrap it up here and let the pervs spying on me stare at the ceiling for awhile.

Apr 6, 2011

this time I was almost POSITIVE there was a ghost in my house

My house has been pretty quiet in the mornings what with Number Four gone.

It's a little weird.


Yesterday, after dropping everyone off, I got home and thought, "Jeepers, I can do whatever I want!  So what do I want to do the VERY MOSTEST out of everything I could possibly do?"  It didn't take very long to figure out what my very mostest wanted to do thing was.

I went back to bed.

For another TWO HOURS.

It was so great.

This morning though, I had to get some work done.  So I spent most of the morning upstairs at the computer.  And our heat kicked on, and I was thinking, "We have the loudest heater EVER."  Because I hadn't realized before how loud the sound of rushing air could be when there is absolutely no other sounds in the house.

So I was sitting there, working, listening to hot air going through our vents and then I started hearing SOMETHING ELSE.

It was like a little thump or clunk.

Naturally, I went into full Ghost Hunters mode - it's really the only course to take in a situation like that.  And I figured it could probably be debunked as maybe an extra heater noise, or a noise outside that was muffled by the heater, or something being blown over because of the heater.  (Lots of thoughts about the heater this morning.)

But then I heard it again, and it was LOUDER.  And it sounded like it was coming from the window downstairs in the living room.

When I heard it for the third time I could no longer pretend that it was something innocent.  So I figured: a) there was definitely a ghost in the house, or b) some psycho stalking murderous rapist was trying to break in.  There were just NO OTHER explanations.  At all.  NONE.

As it happened for the fourth (and loudest) time, I grabbed my cell phone and did the trick I learned from my cousin - I dialed 9-1-1 and then kept my finger over the send button in case it really was someone breaking in (brilliant, no?)  Then I was all kung fu sneaky and headed down the stairs.

The noise happened again just as I was hitting the bottom stair.  I was right - it was coming from the window in the living room.  And do you want to know what it was?

The ghost of a psycho stalking murderous rapist!!

No, just kidding.  It was an (obviously demented) robin, repeatedly flying into the window.

Why?  I don't know.  It stopped and flew away when I came into the room.  I don't know if it could see me through the window or just decided to fly into someone else's window for awhile.  Maybe it flew away to a little birdy mental institution?

But I was almost certain it was a ghost, before I actually found out what it really was.

And to be honest with you, I'm not entirely certain that the bird wasn't being enticed by ghosts to do it.

Apr 4, 2011

EEEEK, burbble, gah, AAAAH, sniff.....

I'm freaking out just a little bit.  There are NO KIDS in my house right now.  As in, they're gone, not just outside or something.  GONE.

Number Four turns 3 in about 6 weeks, so we're following all the rules to transition her from therapy into the preschool.  (The state drops therapy at age 3, and private therapy when you're insurance is stupid - OH BOY, expensive.)  But before the school district will even touch them, your child has to prove how far very far behind the "typical" rate of development they are in the form of lots of tests, assessments, and lastly in-classroom observation.

Mostly, we've loved the early intervention preschool.  We've tried to get all of our kids in it because of their developmental lag.  Two Bits was too clever to get in.  She knew shapes and numbers and stuff, so even though the people performing the assessment couldn't understand a single word she said, due to her horrific articulation, she wasn't deemed "severe" enough to get into the school.  Their main concern, as mentioned during the final meeting, was that she couldn't hop on one foot.  To which I replied, "Honestly people - the child can't speak and you're worried about hopping on one foot?!!!" (At least that was my reply later...in the car......when I was alone......being not quite confident enough yet about my parenting to really stand up for her.)  She's turning out ok though.  And she can talk AND hop on one foot now.

Getting Opie into the preschool was CAKE.  The child had been screaming non-stop for like, oh 3 years, and was currently in a developmental rut in which we thought contained autism.  (His rut is much more shallow now, but may still contain that autism - however, we've decided to fly free of labels for the time being.)  I remember putting Opie on that preschool bus for the first time and having the heavens open and angels singing praises for the entire 3 hours he was in school.  It was a good day.  The next awesome milestone - FIRST GRADE - ie. gone for the entire school day.  Next fall will be blissful indeed.

Monkey was harder to get into school because the kid is so gosh darn compliant.  During assessments he would be led into the correct answers and given credit when he had no idea what was going on.  I don't think they knew they were doing it, I bet some kids need a few extra nudges sometimes.  But with Monkey, he'd figure out they wanted him to say or do something, pick the most obvious thing and then say or do it.  Like when they told me he could count to five all by himself.  I can't remember if I called them idiots out loud or just in my head.  I do remember, though, pointing out all the incorrect scores on their shiny assessment paper....to no avail.  They still wouldn't let him in.  But guess who's not so cowardly anymore?  Yeah, that's right - GO MOMMY ADVOCATES OF THE WORLD!!  Monkey started school last November.  And I don't think the preschool  people like me very much.

With each of the kids we've always gotten them super hyped for school.  It was always, "Yay SCHOOL!!  Don't you wish YOU were in school.  Super super school - woooooooo!!!"  And sometimes dancing.  But with Number Four, I was never like that.  (I'm just consciously realizing that today.)

Yet, I knew this day was coming.

I knew that when she turned 3 I would want her in that preschool.

So why am I feeling so FREAKED  OUT?

Possibly because that evil EVIL preschool took my baby away today?!!!!  MY BABY. 

She was so brave about it too.  I dropped her off.  I expected loud peels of screaming tears.  But she took off her backpack and started looking for somewhere to hang it.  And when I said, "You're going to have FUN today!" Her little bottom lip quivered a teensy little bit as she said, "Hes."  (That's how she says "yes".)  Then I said, "And I'll come back to get you in a little while, ok?" And her little voice quivered a bit this time too when she looked up at me with saucer eyes and said, "Hes."

There was no screaming.  No tears.  Just her adorable little chin quivering as she bravely faced the new experience.  So, um.....is it ok if I'm the one throwing the tantrum?