the time I got to wear an orange vest and hardhat

 A few weeks ago, I got to go on a tour of the City Creek Shopping Center in downtown Salt Lake City.  It won't be done until the end of March, but it's going to be pretty impressive.

The stores take up two full blocks with a skybridge and flagship stores for Macy's and Nordstroms.  Which might impress some of you in great amounts.  I hardly ever go shopping, so I can't muster the proper enthusiasm.  I am, however, extremely excited for the Disney Store to be there.


And, being married to an architect, I always have to look how things are designed and I've gotta say, the City Creek Shopping Center is pretty awesome.  They have retractable roofs!  Just as cool as a convertible sports car.  Except, you know, with a building.  (And therefore way more impressive.)


There's a little creek running through the whole shopping center, with real live trout in them.  So if you've spent all your money and can't afford lunch at the foodcourt, NO PROBLEM, just bring a fishing pole.  (I'm totally joking.  If you fish in their creek they'll probably get a big scary security dude, who probably used to be a professional wrestler, to drag you out in a headlock, or something.)

And check it out - I have a MOVING PICTURE of one of the fountains there (it's totally like in Harry Potter, except not really, because it's actually just a tiny video, and it's not like I can make the picture move if it were on paper):

Also, I have this really awesome picture of these guys putting up a huge building wrap:

If that were my job, I'd be dead.  I would get up there, strap myself into one of those swingy harness seats, start panicking, begin screaming and flailing about, the strap would come loose, I would pass out due to scream induced oxygen deprivation, and plummet to my death.  It's a good thing my work involves sitting on my fat butt at a computer, right?

Probably the coolest thing about the whole shopping center is the fountain they're going to have in the main courtyard.  It was designed by the same people who did the Bellagio fountains in Las Vegas.  And it's going to have water, fire, lights, and sound.  So basically it's going to be pretty sweet.

See that black rounded thingy in the bottom right hand corner?  That's the fountain. Except, much to my utter dismay, it wasn't finished yet.  Which was a huge bummer, and also my excuse to go back as soon as they open.

So yeah, come check out the City Creek Shopping Center and maybe I'll see you there.  (I'll be the one cheering and dancing around the flamey fountain while my kids hide their embarrassment behind a pillar.)

City Creek compensated me with nothing other than a tour.  And the opportunity to wear a hard hat.  That's why I said I'm not so excited about flagship stores and stuff.  If those stores would have given me something cool, like a Dolce & Gabbanna handbag for instance, I could sing their praises for years.

the humiliation....

So I've been thinking. It's time for me to stop being so fat and ugly. But every time I look in the mirror and tell myself to knock it off, nothing happens. I don't get it. It's like my body is just waiting for me to exercise or put on makeup or something. (Like that's ever going to happen.)

 I did something really embarrassing the other day. Again. Sometimes it seems like my like if just one humiliating moment after another. Husband and I went to see a movie. At the cheap theater. Because that's where we always go. And afterwards I had to my make obligatory "I drank a whole diet coke during that movie" potty stop.

The bathrooms at the cheap theater were designed solely to make my eyes wig out. They're completely covered in alternating black and white tiles. So pretty much when I walk into the room my eyes and my brain start arguing, and I'm left feeling disoriented and a little blind-ish.

So, the other night, when I rushed into the bathroom for that obligatory pee, I was super extra confused when I saw a dude walk in after me. But I was also in the middle of my disoriented blind-person stupid black and white tile stupor, so I had to kind of freeze and close one eye for a couple seconds so my brain could process what was going on. And then another dude came walking around the corner from INSIDE the bathroom. And that's when I realized I was the idiot that went in the wrong restroom.

I pretty much sprinted out the door and into the ladies room, but the theater was really crowded that night, and you know how popular bathrooms are in between shows, so my excruciatingly embarrassing moment was witnessed by many MANY people. So I had to hide in a stall for a little while, hoping that everyone who had seen me be an idiot were already gone.

By the time I slowly emerged from my stall, Husband said, "what took so long? I was about to send search dogs after you". And then I told him what I did. And then he shook his head in that "yeah, that totally sound like something you would do" way.

It really is time to stop being so fat, ugly, and amazingly dimwitted. Why, oh why, won't my reflection just listen when I command it to morph me into something more attractively intelligent? WHY?

they drugged me and took advantage of my teeth

When I arrived at the dentist today I was a little worried that after taking the loopy pills I was still extremely coherent.  So they gave me something stronger and BOY HOWDY DID IT WORK.

I remember laying back on the dentist chair and picking out something to watch on the tv in the ceiling - My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

And I remember watching the scene where they discuss sending her to Greece to find a husband, because they were making a mold of my teeth at the same time.

And then I remember waking up in my own bed in different clothes at 10:00 PM when my husband kept yelling "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!"

So basically, I can't recall ANYTHING about most of my day.  But apparently I was interacting with with everyone like crazy.  I know this because my husband was kind enough to record some of these interactions on his phone.  And I figure I might as well post them online now while I'm still a little fuzzy and thinking their funny, because by tomorrow morning I'll be thinking straight and I'm sure I'll never want them to see the light of day - which just goes to show that I make awesome decisions when drugged!

(warning: my mouth is completely numb and puffy, and I have really really really loud hiccups.  So be prepared for some ugly.)

I think future me is going to be mad at past me for posting these.  SORRY FUTURE ME, blame the drugs.