Jun 17, 2011

love letters

Dear Moving to Utah,

I hate you.

You're ruining my life.

With Eternal Detestation,

Dear Ghost in My House,

I know you're there.

Quit trying to be all sneaky.

I purposely do NOT fall asleep every night so that you CANNOT come and touch me while I'm unconscious.  Because, that's FREAKY and could totally happen because I understand how ghosts like you work.

Also, if you're going to be here, could you please just clean something or make yourself useful somehow?

Thanks a bunch,

The Paranoid One

Dear Everyone Who Has a Baby,

Go enter the Cutest Baby Photo Contest brought to you by The Barrel of Blogs and Leelou.

You only have a few days left in which to enter.  And you'll want to win, because we have cool prizes.  And also because Leelou and me?  WE'RE AWESOME.

And then you can enter the giveaways during the big Baby Shower next week.

Sometimes I Get to do Cool Things

Dear Compassionate People,

Also next week, Green Jello with Carrots is donating all of their proceeds to Love for Slater which will help pay the hospital bills of a little boy who fell out of a two story window and landed head-first on concrete (yes, it was as bad as it sounds).

My mom goes to church with the little boy's mom, and I guess the little boy is doing better but still in a drug induced coma while his brain tries to stop swelling.

Scary stuff.

So yeah, if you want to help, you can buy stuff at Green Jello with Carrots or just donate here.

Many Thanks From,
This is Why I Love Blogging and Being Able to Help People Online

Dear Moving to Utah,

I still hate you.

die. Die. DIE.


Jun 10, 2011

the great rental house debacle

or more aptly titled: We Can't Find a Rental Because I'm kind of a Brat.

I'm getting really tired of this whole moving thing.  Anyone else getting sick of me talking about this whole moving thing?


(yeah, I think I see a few hands in the back)

But it's pretty much on my mind ALL THE TIME so I can't help but talk about it.

"Moving Plan A" involved the actual process of packing up and leaving this weekend, followed by the moving into of an awesome rental house where we'd have all the household luxuries that we currently enjoy.

Then we realized our timing kind of stunk, and we thought, "Maybe we should move at the end of June, because that will give us more time to find this awesome rental house and also IT'S SO MUCH FUN BEING A SINGLE PARENT."  Ok, that last part is a complete lie.  No one ever said that.  Also, I am not a good parent.  Under normal circumstances I can slide right under the parenting bar and pass with a D.  But single parenting?  It's moved way beyond horrible.

So "Moving Plan B" involved us packing up to leave at the end of June, followed by the moving into of an awesome rental house where we'd have all the household luxuries that we currently enjoy.

Except this awesome rental house doesn't seem to exist.  At least not within our budget.

And I get kind of bratty about it because there are just certain things I've really gotten used to that I don't want to give up.  Such as:

1. The Master Bathroom.  Yes, people live without master bathrooms all over the world.  Even I lived without a master bathroom for the majority of my own life.  HOWEVER, I have had the luxury of a master bathroom for about 6 years and I refuse the not having of a master bathroom.  That is how it is.  Because I should have every right to throw my underwear and used towels and girly-time packages all over the bathroom without fear of discovery by house guests and/or the children.

2. A fenced yard.  My kids are finally of an appropriate age that this was going to be the summer of "just go outside and play and leave me alone already".  But my kids are also insane and without a fence they must be watched as sternly as one watches over the last Krispy Kreme doughnut that they called dibs on but know will be snatched away if they take their eyes off of it for more than 3/4 of a second. A fence is important.  As is the yard.  (Which some houses are actually lacking, as unamerican as that may sound.)

3. Space.  As in, please don't make me cram my family of 6 into 900 square feet or there will be massive repercussions and they will all probably be dealt upon you.  THE END.

4. A good neighborhood school.  Because, even though I do kind of suck at this whole parenting thing, I insist upon a good education for my children, so this should actually be number one on my list, but I thought it was kind of boring so I'm throwing it here at the end instead.

I'm not really asking for that much.  I mean, we have all of that HERE.  So is it that horrible to expect it THERE?  I certainly think I'm being beyond reasonable.  Unfortunately the rental housing options do not agree.

Speaking of rental housing options, I have learned a few words in which to avoid.  In case you ever find yourself needing to know these words, they are:

1. COZY what they meant to say was REALLY TINY.
2. COTTAGE because they mean it, and whereas I have the proper disposition I am, in fact, NOT the witch in the story of Hansel and Gretel.
3. CHARMING "c" words should just be avoided altogether.
4. LET THE PICTURES SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES! because putting the description into words is just going to scare you away, whereas we can always take minimal pictures that only highlight the few decent places in the house to fool you into showing interest.

So maybe we should show another raise of hands - who's sick of me talking about moving now?


That's what I thought.

Jun 7, 2011

"I'm hungry!" "So are the piranhas, dear."

There is one more day of school left.  ONE. 

No wait.

Actually, HALF of a day of school left.  It's not even a full day.  I don't even know if it counts.

I have mixed feelings about this, because summer vacation means: a) sleeping in (which I adore above all else) and b) the kids being home all day long continually saying, "I'm hungry!" "But I want to be naked!" and "Mommy.  Mom!  Mommy!!  MAW-MEEEEEEEEE!!!!" (which I despise above all else).

The one that bothers me the most is "I'm hungry."  Because it's not like I don't feed them. Just that they refuse to eat real food at mealtimes and then whine about wanting snacks for the remaining hours of the day.

Even at night.  Honest to goodness.

A couple night ago Number Four woke up and started screaming for me, but when I got to her room all she wanted was a marshmallow.

And at 4:30 in the morning -having only gone to bed an hour and a half earlier- you just give your kid a marshmallow and crawl back to bed.  This is a general rule.  Unless, of course, you don't have any marshmallows on hand, and then you can do whatever you want.

So I'm enforcing a major consequence this summer (and possibly the rest of my children's lives) where they can't say "I'm hungry" or they have to take a swim in our piranha infested kiddy pool.

First I'll let them watch while I feed the piranhas a couple of their favorite stuffed animals.  And then, once the fluffy carnage subsides, I'll tell them the new rule so that its clearly imprinted on their brains. 

Hopefully it will keep me sane for 3 months; but I guess that really just depends on long I can manage to keep the piranhas alive, what with having no misbehaving kids to feed them and all.

And on a completely unrelated note, with absolutely no segue whatsoever, the June issue of The Barrel of Blogs is out: