Oct 23, 2009

smooky bathroom halloween non-witty....?

Did you hear about that Charmin Ambassador job in New York? $10,000 just to be really enthusiastic about using the loo.

I like going to the bathroom.

I like it enough to work in New York for 6 weeks being a restroom attendant for that much money. Now I just need to find some way to get to New York...

I had something really wittingly blog worthy knocking around in my brain about a half hour ago.

Beats me now what it was.

So, I have stupid dreams (I'll blog about that, since the witty idea is obviously on vacation.) The kind you have in that half awake/half asleep state. And the more tired I am, the more dumb the dreams, and the less actual rest I get.

A few nights ago I dreamed that I was using someone else's toothbrush, because I was hanging out in their living room (still don't know who this someone was) and they also had a sink and toothbrush holder RIGHT there. So why not brush?

Then my dream jumped to watching my grandma riding a bright purple bike past some wheat fields. This same grandma of mine is currently recovery from a total knee replacement. And she doesn't own a purple bike.

And then I was sitting in a chair doing something that was supposed to be significant, but I couldn't get it done. Because I had to go to the bathroom really bad. And in my dream the only logical thing to do was pee right then, because obviously my pants would just soak it all up making it fine and completely socially acceptable.

And then I woke up.

And you know how sometimes you jerk yourself awake if you think you're falling? Or you have a sad dream and wake up with actual tears? I was so afraid that I woke up because I had actually just peed.


Opie has been talking about Halloween stuff lately. He tells me how everything is "SO SMOOKY!!" (spooky. but with an 'm'. It's cute, I know.)

Speaking of Opie, I keep forgetting to document something:

A few weeks ago I had to run across the street really fast. It was one of those times when you're about to make a pumpkin spice cake and realize that you only have one of those huge cans of pumpkin and the recipe only calls for 1 cup and you have no idea what you're going to do with the rest of the pumpkin stuff so you call your friend across the street to see if she has any smaller cans of pumpkin and she does so you have to go get it. One of those times.

Two Bits was in school, so that left Opie to be in charge for the minute and a half I was gone.

A 4 1/2 year old should be able to handle being in charge for a minute and a half, right?

As I was walking out the door, he was yelling, "WAIT, I don't want to be in charge!!!!"

A minute and a half later I opened the door to find him laying face down on the ground with his hands over his head.

When he heard me come in, he popped up and said, "I did a good job, huh?! I like being in charge!"


On my Green Jello with Carrots blog we're giving away Halloween clipart today. But only today. Mostly because we try to focus on Gospel oriented stuff only. But I figure if that one couple in our ward who doesn't have little kids can put a life size, motion activated zombie next to their car at the ward trunk-or-treat, then we can give away innocently cute Halloween clipart.

Oct 21, 2009

Halloween Carnival and Silent Auction

The Preschool that Lacie (my brother-in-law's wife) had been working at is holding a fundraiser for their babies.

WHEN: October 30, 2009

WHERE: Little Wonders Learning Center
3223 S. Main St, Nibley Utah

TIME: 6:00 - 8:30 pm

There will be fun games and activities for all ages as well as a Silent Auction. All proceeds go to the Bastow Family (<-- them, not me, however I need a new washer and dryer, so if you want to throw some money my way too, I won't turn it down.)

Oct 19, 2009


So when it comes to your kids, how do you know if you're being a strong advocate, or you're just insanely over zealous/paranoid?

I know I've mentioned it before, but my kids have some developmental issues. They all have "stuff" to deal with in varying degrees and in different stages.

Yet, they're fairly normal.

But, at the same time, they're not. Normal. Or "typical," depending on how you'd like to word that.

To me, "normal" would be a kid who can be quirky and odd, yet goes through life functioning just fine. And then "not normal" would be the kids who can't function because they aren't just quirky and odd, they really have issues.

My kids are drifting between "normal" and "not normal." They seem to be doing ok, and then it happens and I'm reminded that they don't quite fit into either category.

We've seen specialists, and therapists, and even at one point a Pediatric Geneticist that had to be called in from another city just to see us.

And the definitive answer to my children's problems:
"I don't know. Maybe they'll grow out of it."

Like that's supposed to help. And yes, wouldn't it be lovely if one day they all woke up with no speech or language problems? And then the next day, Opie will decide that he'll no longer have overwhelmingly angry outbursts that turn violent and abusive? Ooooh, and the next day all of their low muscle tone will tighten up magically. And then right after that, all of my kids will decide not to have intense reactions to things like bugs, and sound, and WIND.

Last month our Pediatric Developmental Specialist told me that maybe we should diagnose Monkey with Autism. Do you know what that feels like? Like someone took a bus full of angry tourists and drove through your stomach. Especially since Monkey is NOT Autistic. It just doesn't fit. And this isn't just me being in denial. It really doesn't seem right. So that angry bus of tourists is aiming at my stomach for all the wrong reasons.

So I did some research. Because I'm good at this whole Googling thing. And I came up with a much better, much more fitting base of reasoning. It's called "Sensory Processing Disorder" (or "Sensory Integration", if you'd rather.)

S.P.D. is basically where all the nerves in your body -which control all of your senses and how you perceive yourself in space- function properly, and your brain functions properly, but the pathway between the two is just not cutting it.

The best way to describe this is something I heard from one of our therapists: There are roads in your brain that information travels on. And most people's roads are shiny and paved and work fine. With S.P.D. they are gravel, or dirt pathways overgrown with weeds, therefore not working so great. The cool thing is, with the right therapy and proper attention (especially with early intervention) you can clear these paths and pull out the asphalt to start paving.

But here's the thing.

The medical community doesn't see S.P.D. as a proper diagnosis. I could tell after seeing our specialist today that he didn't give it much merit. And I guess insurance companies/school or government programs don't give it any merit at all. It's viewed as a secondary diagnosis - just something that sits in the background of a much larger, much stronger label. You know, like Autism.

But my kids don't have those big labels. Nor do I want them to. But without them, I can't get them the therapies and services they need.

Opie needs to be seeing a child psychologist. We tried to get him into one. We just saw a social worker, who in my opinion was crap, and then charged us $300. Occupational therapy is at least $50 an hour. Per kid. Per week. Not to mention, I don't even know if anyone in the state provides Auditory or Visual Sensory therapy, which I think my kids would benefit from immensely.

So what do I do?

As far as I can see, these are my options:

1) Fight. Raise enough hell that programs, diagnoses and services change. And within enough time to get my kids those programs/diagnoses/services. This scenario is highly unlikely to succeed. It takes way more than one voice to change things, and it takes tons and tons and tons of time. I could die of old age before change happens, even if I fight my entire life.

2) Learn how to be a psychologist. Learn how to be an Auditory/Visual/Occupational/Physical therapist. And do it cheaply, and with only a Google education.

3) Just ignore it, and hope my kids grow up to be functioning adults. Granted, I tend to worry a LOT about my kids. And sometimes unnecessarily so. Even to the point where I feel -and those around me suggest- that I'm the only one concerned because there's nothing to worry about. And yet, they don't just let anyone participate in the birth-3 state therapy program, and there's a reason Opie goes to the school district's Early Intervention Developmental Preschool. These programs are picky - you have to qualify, and at a horribly low bar.

So tell me. What do I do? I really feel like "that parent." The one who goes all "mother bear" over her kids, asking for more and questioning things and maybe slightly going off the insane end of the pool because I feel completely helpless drifting here in the land between "normal" and "not normal."

Oct 17, 2009


No, it's not 1 AM and NO, I'm posting on my blog about nothing in particular. This is all just a dream....

You are feeling very sleeeeeepy......

Ok, so really I'm being fueled by a bottle of Diet Coke (with lime) a couple handfuls of M&Ms.

Also, I'm a night owl.

Also, I'm really going to hate myself in the morning when I have to get up early to make cookies to take to Super Saturday where I signed up to make a craft, in which I have to finish in time to head over to the pumpkin patch with my kids and in-laws, in which doesn't involve a nap at any point of the day.

Hey, did you know that it's perfectly normal to have running dialogue going inside your head at all times?


I read it in a book today.

Well, I read something kind of like that in a book today. And it was a psychology book, so it's totally true.

However it never mentioned anything about bursting into laughter at seemingly nothing when you think that the conversation in your head has turned into something of a gut buster.

So - eye surgery. It's gonna happen. But I can't tell you when, because I don't know. Because guess who doesn't want to have the old fashioned 'standard' surgery? ME. Because, guess what? Just because I have glaucoma doesn't make me 85 years old and I need options man!

And so my eye surgeon is 'discussing' things with the head of probably the biggest health insurance company in the state to see if they'll cover the procedure I want to get. Because it's a new-ish kind of surgery and you know how much insurance companies hate progress.

This same eye surgeon called like 57 other Drs around the country (and Canada) to get opinions on the best option for my disease. Ok, it was more like 5-7 Drs. But one of them was actually in Canada. Because this is what happens when you have a rare form of an old people disease combined with a good surgeon who actually cares what will happen to your eyes.

'Tis pretty cool.

Well, not as cool as if I never had the disease in the first place. But you know.

Speaking of diseases, I have officially diagnosed myself with a disease that disables a person's ability to understand numbers. And we're not just talking Calculus. I can't even remember my debit pin number or if I got married on December 21st or 22nd.

This official disease diagnosis is called: IDIOCY.

I wonder if I can get disability benefits now? Or maybe they make some really good drugs to treat my condition - hopefully something that involves weight loss and nose shrinkage.

Or quite possibly I just need to go to bed....

Oct 15, 2009

happy happy (with a side of migraine)

Guess who is the happiest person on the planet who, although currently has a raging migraine, just found out that season 5 of the Office is now viewable online on Netflix and has been DYING to watch Jim and Pam's wedding but won't allow herself to watch any of the Office episodes out of order and therefore thought she had to sufferably wait for the standard one DVD at a time shipping method of Netflix watching before ever finally arriving at the current season's shows because it took her much much too long to discover that the Office is the most hilarious show in the universe?

That would be me.

Raging migraine aside.

As a side note, check out my Etsy shop. You surely won't be disappointed. Unless, that is, you aren't looking for really awesome baby hats and/or Christmas photo cards. Which everyone is, right? RIGHT?!

Now onto the Office.

Oct 13, 2009

personal ad

Lonely, slightly insane, and exceptionally dorky 28 year old seeks friend to share dollar night at the movie theater, trips to Barnes and Noble, and occasional imaginary island get-aways (but only the islands with hot cabana boys.)

Must bring your own dollar for movie night, and we're totally not sharing popcorn, so get your own.

You will also be required to walk aimlessly around the book store looking at nothing in particular until we get to the young adult section where we will then compare different representations of teenage vampires.

And, please, do not bring your children along on our fantasy trips to hot cabana boy island.

Contact Melissa at: ohmygoshwhydon'tyoujustmakefriendsalready@whataloser.com (not a real email....although I dare you to try and send spam to it.)

Oct 9, 2009

is it that time of the month again?

Sometimes Monkey gets in these moods where he must constantly destroy.

You know how Mother Nature comes calling every month, turning you into a menstruating, cramping zit-faced monster?

Monkey is kind of like that. Minus the whole menstruating thing (and zits...and probably cramps.)

It's like once a month someone comes in and replaces my semi-crazy two year old with a psychotic mass of destruction equal to the force of 37 out of control robots times 90 mile per hour gale force winds.

I can always tell it's coming. I can see it in his eyes.

Also things start getting destroyed, which is a pretty obvious indicator.

It's too bad a bottle of Midol and some super plus tampons will do nothing for this. When are they going to create "Crazy Monkey of Destruction" pills? It would help if they came in chewable form although I'm not opposed to intravenous doses either (instant results - that would be pleasant.)

Oct 7, 2009

concerning Brad Pitt

Seriously, Brad?

Also, does it make me a horrible person if I find joy in the fact that the biological children of two of most acclaimed beautiful people (Brad and Angelina) aren't spectacularly gorgeous? Their kids are cute, but there is really nothing extraordinary about them. They just look like kids.

Suri Cruise on the other hand was born beautiful. It's too bad her father is a total lunatic.

And of course my kids were created as beauty itself. They were born, and still are, the most gorgeous children that will ever exist. Even when I'm out of town and Husband takes them into public with mis-matched clothes and crazy hair that hasn't seen a comb for two days. (I know you're probably questioning my claim to beautiful children now, but trust me, as their mother I have never seen cuter kids than my own.)

And someone please tell Brad to shave. And burn that jacket. And possibly ditch those sunglass forever. I can't tell him myself, because I seem to have lost his cell phone number. (I know it's around here somewhere...)

Oct 5, 2009

a weekend away

It was nice to get away. Although weekends like that should last about 3 months instead of 3 days.

But I got to see my little sister who is only 15 weeks pregnant and already popping a stomach - glad it's not me this time (except she'll still probably weigh less than me once she's full term, which is marginally depressing, and only made better by the fact that I am just fat and THANK HEAVENS not pregnant.)

And I got to make a bouquet out of multicolored water balloons and bendy straws for my step-sister's 16th birthday.

I also got to be on the freeway for the first snowstorm of the season - and you know how much fun that always is. I'm glad that the city I live in is probably the most mild-climated in the entire state, which means that we don't have snow here. Just rain. And worms on the sidewalk.

And on friday I got to hang out with the parents of these little angels:

Although they closed the NICU to visitors (other than parents and grandparents) because of the swine flu so I didn't actually get to see the babies. (But as a parent to little kids I'm sure just my clothes alone are infested with large hordes of bacteria and maybe even some fungi, so it's probably better that I stayed away.)

And on friday, when I was around, they were goth having a good day. Which just goes to show you how fast things can change in a NICU, because little Sofia was taken by ambulance to Primary Children's Hospital today to take care of some Hydrocephalus and a stage IV bleed on the left side of her brain. (For non-medical people, that's not good.)

So now the babies are in separate hospitals, in different towns. And my brother-in-law is still trying to keep his job in Logan. Pretty crappy stuff. I'm just glad his wife has family that can take turns spending time with her. Especially now that the babies are separated.

Well, this post is ending up as a downer. Sorry. But keep those babies in your prayers and if you are able to donate and haven't yet, they could use it more than ever.

Oct 1, 2009


After some impulsive planning and inviting myself into my cousin's roadtrip, I get to go visit my family ALL ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't gone anywhere sans husband or kids in over 8 1/2 years.

That's almost a decade. (we're rounding up, ok?)

And I get to leave in like 15 minutes!!!!!!!!

Do I need to tell you that I'm excited or do the multiple exclamation points make that clear enough?