Feb 24, 2012

they drugged me and took advantage of my teeth

When I arrived at the dentist today I was a little worried that after taking the loopy pills I was still extremely coherent.  So they gave me something stronger and BOY HOWDY DID IT WORK.

I remember laying back on the dentist chair and picking out something to watch on the tv in the ceiling - My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

And I remember watching the scene where they discuss sending her to Greece to find a husband, because they were making a mold of my teeth at the same time.

And then I remember waking up in my own bed in different clothes at 10:00 PM when my husband kept yelling "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!"

So basically, I can't recall ANYTHING about most of my day.  But apparently I was interacting with with everyone like crazy.  I know this because my husband was kind enough to record some of these interactions on his phone.  And I figure I might as well post them online now while I'm still a little fuzzy and thinking their funny, because by tomorrow morning I'll be thinking straight and I'm sure I'll never want them to see the light of day - which just goes to show that I make awesome decisions when drugged!

(warning: my mouth is completely numb and puffy, and I have really really really loud hiccups.  So be prepared for some ugly.)

I think future me is going to be mad at past me for posting these.  SORRY FUTURE ME, blame the drugs.

Feb 22, 2012

bow to my teeth

Tomorrow my teeth become royalty.  Because I'm getting two crowns and six cavities taken care of at the dentist.

Let me tell you how excited I am that I have reached the age of needing crowns.


Except that when we were dentist shopping I deliberately chose an office that provides sedation.  I could be completely knocked out if I feel like it.  Sadly, insurance won't cover wussy sedation needs, and you know how expensive anesthesiologists are.  (If you really don't know how expensive they are I kind of hate you a little bit.  We've had way too many surgeries in this house.)

The good news is that there's a second option at this dentist's office - LOOPY PILLS.  And it's actually affordable.  So basically, I take these pills an hour before my appointment and they make me completely incoherent and tired and spacey and LOOPY.  And then when they're doing all the nasty mean dental work I can just think about baby kangaroos and what it would taste like to lick the moon.

Let me tell you how excited I am to have loopy pills.


I know that I shouldn't admit to this, but it's not like I've kept it a secret anyway, I loooooooove it when I get to take loopy pills.  If I had no morals or ambition or brains or sense of self worth, I would probably be a druggy.  But I do actually have all those things and know that being a druggy is really not the way to go.  Plus, it just makes it all the more fun when I'm presented with opportunities to take pills of loopishness.

The very first time (that I remember) that I got to take a strong medication was when I was 19.  And I got e coli.  And, if you didn't know, e coli is super really horrible and painful and miserable.  Luckily it happened during the one month out of that summer that I was living at my mom's house, because at 3 in the morning I had to go to the ER.  And I remember feeling like complete trash piled on top of manure piled on top of rotten fish heads.  But then they put phenergan in my IV.  And I've actually come to hate that drug because sometimes it makes me psychotic, but back then it was like yeeeeeeha

I remember laying in the ER, and it was about 4:00 AM by then, and my mom was half asleep on the chair next to me.  And the second that phenergan kicked in I was yelling, "Mom!  MOM!!  Watch this!  MY ARMS ARE FLOATING!!!  hahahahahahahahahahaha, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Good times.

Until the drugs wore off and I went back to feeling like complete trash piled on top of manure piled on top of rotten fish heads.

So anyways, back to tomorrow when my teeth become crowned royalty, I'm thinking the only good part of the day will be temporarily fulfilling my dreams of being a druggy. And I really just hope that I don't come out of my loopocity until after the mouth deadening wears off or, better yet, friday morning.

Feb 15, 2012


So yesterday was Valentine's Day.  What a lame holiday.  Think about how many roses had to die just so people could be all mushy and stupid.  LAME.

Except that I was really fighting the urge to not work during the day.  Because I had lots of work to do, but technically it was a "holiday", but not really, so does that mean I can take time off?  I wasn't sure.  But in the end my laziness won out and I walked away from my computer.

Then I did what any sane person does on such a tremendous day of love:  I downloaded a horror novel onto my ipad kindle app and started reading.

I did take a short break from the gore to make my husband some cookies and do the dishes.  Because that was my gift to him.  Which is a pretty cheap gift, but at least I didn't kill any flowers for it or anything.

And Husband was kind of late getting home because I told him that he better come bearing chocolate.  But not just any chocolate, GOOOOOD chocolate.  So he had to track down an actual chocolate store.  He ended up going to Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory in Trolley Square and MAN IS THAT STUFF TASTY.

Super tasty.

So now that I'm thinking about it, my day included laziness, horror, cookies, and really good chocolate - I guess Valentine's Day isn't so lame after all...

Feb 9, 2012

I am a talented weirdo who uses googlemaps.

Tonight I was doing my most obnoxious British accent while helping the kids get ready for bed. It was pretty excellent because I was really drawing out the syllables and putting in all sorts of annoying inflections. And, of course, I was doing it at the best possible pitch and decibel level to make the average adult male's ears bleed.

Husband LOVED it.

And then when we were saying family prayers all the kids insisted sitting on me, leaving poor old daddy sitting all by himself. So after we all said amen I had to let husband know that the kids love me more than him because of my amazing talents - and I said it in my obnoxious British accent.

It's moments like those that I hope our baby monitor is being picked up by one of the neighbors, who then realize how immensely hilarious I am, and tell all the other neighbors, who then decide to throw me a party, where they present me with one of those giant checks for 5 billion dollars.

But even without the cash, it's worth it just to bug the husband and teach my kids how to be huge weirdos.

Husband has been bugging me with all his conspiracy theories lately, so he really deserves all my obnoxious accents. Lately his big thing is that the government is spying on us. As in US, or mostly just him, in particular.

We have conversations that go like this:

Husband: I think the government is going to come after me.

Me: I doubt they're really all that concerned with some random guy who spouts politics on facebook.

Husband: Seriously though, they could be listening to our conversation RIGHT NOW.

Me: Well then, I hope they like hearing this burp. beeeeeelch.

Husband: Do you hear that helicopter?! What if it's for surveillance?

Me: If you turn into that guy in the movie A Beautiful Mind I'm totally sending you to psychiatric hospital, and then I'll collect all your Social Security checks and buy myself candy.

Husband: So you would lock me away and then accept government money for it?!!

Me: You betcha.

He also has this big thing against Google right now and gets mad every time I use it (so I use it a lot, being the natural button pusher that I am). Plus he keeps trying to use Bing, which is just rubbish - especially their maps.

So then our conversations go more like this:

Husband: Let me look up that address. What?! This can't be right.

Me: That's because you're on bing again, just googlemap it.

Husband: No, we can't support google - they're trying to take over the world. They spy on EVERYONE!

Me: And all that spying has guaranteed really accurate maps - thanks google!

I remember when google earth first came out. Husband thought it was the coolest thing ever. And he had to come home and show me it's utter awesomenicity. And then it did that wooshy zoomy thing, and I about barfed all over the computer.

That zoomy thing makes me motion sick every time I see it. Which is weird because I don't get motion sick. Plus I finally went and saw Breaking Dawn the other day, and I did t even have a seizure at the end of it. So really it doesn't make any sense at all. But if Husband ever realizes that google earth is the best punishment for obnoxious British accents, I'm in pretty big trouble.

Feb 3, 2012

zombiepocolypse song

Have you heard this song?

First of all, I have to say that the video is GROSSSSSSSS. Body hair - eeeew. EEEEEEEEEEEW.

But what I really want to say about it is that I cannot get it out of my head.  Ever.  It's just stuck in there on constant repeat like that song from Lambchops: "this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend.....".

Part of the not getting out of my head thing is due to the fact that Husband is seriously obsessing over it.  It's the only song he's ever downloaded from itunes to his phone.  And he plays it over and over and over.

I've known my husband for almost 11 years, and do you want to know how many times he has obsessed over a song?

NEVER.  ever.

So I have this theory that the song actually contains subliminal messages.  And my theory says that the messages are actually two tiers deep.  (I've put a lot of scientific brain thought into this - since I'm so super science-y and stuff.) 

The first tier makes the human population want to listen to the song as much as possible.  For instance, that youtube video of the disgusting body hair?  It's been viewed over 59,000,000 times.  That's FIFTY-NINE MILLION!  Which is just super crazy, even if you factor out the grossisity of their painted nakedness.

The second tier is buried a lot deeper, so only our most inner psyches absorb it.  And each time we hear the song, it programs our brain more and more.  And since we're already being brainwashed into listening to it as much as possible, you know our brains are getting good and infected.

I haven't quite figured out what the second tiered subliminal message says. But I am pretty sure it's how the zombiepocolypse is going to start.

Speaking of the zombiepocolypse (I have to pat my own back for that really great intro to this equally awesome plug) I started a second Etsy shop called Dorky Prints.  And I'm testing the waters now, but if it goes well then Elesa from Ahem is going to be my partner, and we're going to rule the world's walls with our amazing dorky prints.  Except that I've only had one sale and I'm feeling like a total loser pants.  So if you know anyone that is dying to have an 8x10 print that looks like this:

Then send them on over to order.

And also let me know if any of you feel a little peckish for some human brains after hearing that song - I'm not really sure how advanced the whole zombiepocolypse has progressed in the general public, but you might want to stab out your ear drums and then get your food storage ready.