Mar 21, 2012

reinvented cooking: an inspirational post about making do with cheese

I'm always reinventing the food I create.  Not because I am a master chef with all these great ideas.  More because my food never really tastes that good to begin with, so when eating leftovers, it's really not good at all.

First I'll pull a container of food out of the fridge and the first thing I check is if it's swarming with mold.  Because sometimes I forget how old the leftovers really are, so it's a good thing that the mold reminds me that, in fact, we ate the original pot roast 2 months ago and not last sunday like I thought.

If said container of food is not fuzzy and/or blue, I decide that it's as good a lunch as any.  But then I remember how not awesome it tasted, and how nuking things in a microwave always make them taste sort of icky anyway.  And then comes my lunch altering thought:

"This would taste so much better with______________ in it." (insert condiment or food item in blank)

And the resulting lunch, is sometimes, sort of, not really, better tasting, ish.

It all really depends on what I decide to add.  Cheese, for instance, almost always makes things taste better.  Unless you're adding cheese AND strawberries.  Because, in case you didn't know, those two food items do not go together well.  (Unless we're talking cream cheese, and then you KNOW it's going to be slobber-worthy.)

Not everyone in my house is a big fan of my reinvented food.

Once I took leftover spaghetti, slapped it inside a flour tortilla with a glob of mayo, and sauteed it in butter.  I had to eat the whole thing myself, because nobody wanted to even taste it.  And that's one of my best creations.

I would give you an example of one of my worst creations, but I can't think of any right now.  Probably because they are locked up somewhere inside of my repressed memory vault. (my repressed memory vault is bigger than Scrooge McDuck's gold swimming room, and it has about 57 locks on the door.  someday I might decide to go swimming there, but I really doubt it.)

So, basically, if you ever want to have dinner with us, we should probably go out.  Especially if I'd have to whip up leftovers and I'm out of cheese.

Mar 19, 2012

crap dust gunk crud

Remember when I shattered the glass screen on my iphone?  It got fixed at this little kiosk in the mall, which seemed just fine.  But immediately after I got it back it started to trap little particles of crap behind the glass.

And then time passed.

And more time passed.

Until my phone was hoarding so much dust and gunk behind it's glass that it was ultra disgusting.  And I was almost too embarrassed to show people my awesome Tardis phone skin.

Except that I showed off my Tardis skin anyway, because I was so excited.

I would say, "Check out my super cool phone skin!"

And people would be like,"That's awesome!" 

And I would be like, "Do you know what it is?"

And people would be like, "Not really.  Is it from a book or movie or something?"

And I would be like, "You and me - we're no longer friends."

And then I would walk away.  Because, honestly, IT'S THE TARDIS.  (Someday I'm going to make my husband build me an actual Tardis to keep in our yard.  And it's going to go right next to the life size weeping angel.)

So, anyways, back to the crud under my glass....

On friday we went to that same kiosk in the mall and told them that after they fixed my phone it's been getting all disgusting, and they told us that they would clean it for free.

So then we had to waste 20 minutes at Build a Bear while it was getting cleaned.  And my kids took pretty much all the stuffed animals off the walls to give them "baths".  And we didn't buy a single thing, even though there was this adorable monkey there that I'm pretty certain my Monkey NEEEDS.

When we went back to the kiosk, the guy was like, "Uh, this is WAY worse than I thought it was.  Do you like work in a shop?  Or go near sawdust a lot or something like that?"

And then I felt kind of embarrassed so I said, "No, I just let my kids play with it a lot, and I throw it in my pocket a lot, and once I dropped it in a bowl of flour and oatmeal while I was making cookies...."  Except that I really didn't say the one about the cookies, because that kind of information is none of kiosk guy's business.

And then I didn't want to stand there anymore while the pink haired, nose ring, kiosk girl (who apparently had nothing better to do) kept glaring at me like I didn't deserve a phone if I can't take care of it.  So while the kiosk guy finished the cleaning I went into a store and bought a candle that smells like real live strawberries.

And Husband found me when my phone was ready.

And I asked him if the kiosk guy said anything about my awesome Tardis skin.

And Husband said no.  Like it didn't even matter.

Then I said, "We're never going there again."

The End.

P.S. Want to see my awesome Tardis phone skin?  (Do you still want to be friends?!)
Except I only have a 3GS, but I stole this picture from the etsy shop where I bought mine, and I think the iphone 4 makes the Tardis look even more awesome.  Does anyone want to buy me an iphone 4 so I can get the more awesome skin?  anyone.....

Mar 14, 2012

the time I got to wear an orange vest and hardhat

 A few weeks ago, I got to go on a tour of the City Creek Shopping Center in downtown Salt Lake City.  It won't be done until the end of March, but it's going to be pretty impressive.

The stores take up two full blocks with a skybridge and flagship stores for Macy's and Nordstroms.  Which might impress some of you in great amounts.  I hardly ever go shopping, so I can't muster the proper enthusiasm.  I am, however, extremely excited for the Disney Store to be there.

And, being married to an architect, I always have to look how things are designed and I've gotta say, the City Creek Shopping Center is pretty awesome.  They have retractable roofs!  Just as cool as a convertible sports car.  Except, you know, with a building.  (And therefore way more impressive.)

There's a little creek running through the whole shopping center, with real live trout in them.  So if you've spent all your money and can't afford lunch at the foodcourt, NO PROBLEM, just bring a fishing pole.  (I'm totally joking.  If you fish in their creek they'll probably get a big scary security dude, who probably used to be a professional wrestler, to drag you out in a headlock, or something.)

And check it out - I have a MOVING PICTURE of one of the fountains there (it's totally like in Harry Potter, except not really, because it's actually just a tiny video, and it's not like I can make the picture move if it were on paper):

Also, I have this really awesome picture of these guys putting up a huge building wrap:

If that were my job, I'd be dead.  I would get up there, strap myself into one of those swingy harness seats, start panicking, begin screaming and flailing about, the strap would come loose, I would pass out due to scream induced oxygen deprivation, and plummet to my death.  It's a good thing my work involves sitting on my fat butt at a computer, right?

Probably the coolest thing about the whole shopping center is the fountain they're going to have in the main courtyard.  It was designed by the same people who did the Bellagio fountains in Las Vegas.  And it's going to have water, fire, lights, and sound.  So basically it's going to be pretty sweet.

See that black rounded thingy in the bottom right hand corner?  That's the fountain. Except, much to my utter dismay, it wasn't finished yet.  Which was a huge bummer, and also my excuse to go back as soon as they open.

So yeah, come check out the City Creek Shopping Center and maybe I'll see you there.  (I'll be the one cheering and dancing around the flamey fountain while my kids hide their embarrassment behind a pillar.)

City Creek compensated me with nothing other than a tour.  And the opportunity to wear a hard hat.  That's why I said I'm not so excited about flagship stores and stuff.  If those stores would have given me something cool, like a Dolce & Gabbanna handbag for instance, I could sing their praises for years.

Mar 3, 2012

the humiliation....

So I've been thinking. It's time for me to stop being so fat and ugly. But every time I look in the mirror and tell myself to knock it off, nothing happens. I don't get it. It's like my body is just waiting for me to exercise or put on makeup or something. (Like that's ever going to happen.)

 I did something really embarrassing the other day. Again. Sometimes it seems like my like if just one humiliating moment after another. Husband and I went to see a movie. At the cheap theater. Because that's where we always go. And afterwards I had to my make obligatory "I drank a whole diet coke during that movie" potty stop.

The bathrooms at the cheap theater were designed solely to make my eyes wig out. They're completely covered in alternating black and white tiles. So pretty much when I walk into the room my eyes and my brain start arguing, and I'm left feeling disoriented and a little blind-ish.

So, the other night, when I rushed into the bathroom for that obligatory pee, I was super extra confused when I saw a dude walk in after me. But I was also in the middle of my disoriented blind-person stupid black and white tile stupor, so I had to kind of freeze and close one eye for a couple seconds so my brain could process what was going on. And then another dude came walking around the corner from INSIDE the bathroom. And that's when I realized I was the idiot that went in the wrong restroom.

I pretty much sprinted out the door and into the ladies room, but the theater was really crowded that night, and you know how popular bathrooms are in between shows, so my excruciatingly embarrassing moment was witnessed by many MANY people. So I had to hide in a stall for a little while, hoping that everyone who had seen me be an idiot were already gone.

By the time I slowly emerged from my stall, Husband said, "what took so long? I was about to send search dogs after you". And then I told him what I did. And then he shook his head in that "yeah, that totally sound like something you would do" way.

It really is time to stop being so fat, ugly, and amazingly dimwitted. Why, oh why, won't my reflection just listen when I command it to morph me into something more attractively intelligent? WHY?