because I really can't get enough of myself

I love this picture because it is so Christmas-morning-ish. At least what I think of Christmas morning anyway... So here's the quiz. Look at the picture and find these five things: 1- Some wrapping that doesn't belong. 2- A vintage toy that goes well with army men. 3- An opened gift that no kid really gets excited about. 4- Something to wipe your butt with (and don't say wrapping paper.....eeeew.) 5- The letter 'G'. Leave a comment with your answers. The first person to get them all correct wins a prize!!!! Of course I'm not sure what the prize is going to be......maybe a long distance high five......or I'll design you a free blog button or header......or maybe a gift certificate to Green Jello with Carrots ......or I'll just send you a great big taco with lots of extra cheese?

...the song "So This is Christmas" makes me really cynical . I cannot hear it without thinking of every line in an unhealthily sarcastic way. And what is with the "war is over" part of the song? It's just thrown in there. ...if they put a lifetime, absolute ban on the song, "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer" I would be right there cheering on the decision. ...I can only hear " Feliz Navidad " so many times before I feel like smashing a guitar over someone's head just so they'll stop singing it. ...having the school teach our first grader the "12 Days of Christmas" is really great, especially when she has to sing THE WHOLE THING at the dinner table, or while I'm trying to do her hair, or as she cleans up her toys, or when she has two free seconds to open her mouth and start it. ...Listening to Christmas music isn't really putting me in the right mood this year. ...the Walmart Christmas commercials, o...

I've been meaning to tell you this for almost a week, and Alison Wonderland just asked, so it's about time I just get it posted, yeah? Luke and Sofie are home from the NICU !!! They went home last friday , after 3 months in the hospital. At first they thought they would only be able to take Luke home, and they were wondering how they would handle a baby at home in Logan while keeping another baby in the NICU in Ogden - being over and hour apart would be especially tricky when you have to nurse both of them. Then they were happily surprised with the all-clear to take them both. They're both still on oxygen, and have to remain in as germ free environment as possible ( ie . no visitors.) But they are both about 5 pounds (I think....) now, which is amazing considering they weighed only 1 lb. 10 oz. at birth. They will still have struggles to overcome in the future. Little Sofia had some hydrocephalus and brain bleeds for awhile, which could impact her development, although i...

Opie is now 5. I made him an 'Alien Slime' cake, which is just another name for 'it was 2 in the morning and I wasn't going to wait for it to cool to frost it, so everything melted, so it's a good thing I've done this before and knew to color the frosting green and call it slime' cake. Slime must taste really good because yesterday Opie sneakily licked the cake left-overs clean, replaced the plastic wrap, and returned it to the 'high/safe' place I had it stashed. Then he denied the whole thing. Like I wouldn't notice - I mean, the thing was shiny from all the spit. ************************************************************** I've decided that Santa actually exists. Here's my theory: In the beginning he seemed a jolly sort of fellow with nothing but good intentions. It was all a ploy of course, because he has always been a shrewd and greedy business man. He worked for 50 years up in the North Pole - you know, the whole elves...

I think someone has hacked into my Zazzle account. Except that they were horrendously innocent hackers because all they changed is one of the models for one of my t-shirt designs. click HERE See the dark blue t-shirt with a pirate girl and swirls and stuff on it? See that the models arms are super really wrinkly and old looking? See how when you click on it, the model actually changes? Yeah, that's my "this booty's not yours" t-shirt and someone put it on an old lady. VERY FUNNY HACKER. (I'm also considering the option that Zazzle just got new models and it was somehow assigned to that t-shirt because they got rid of an old model, or some such scenario. Because I really doubt someone would have taken the time to hack into my account just to do this. Of course, you never know....)

This is the picture that came in second for our choice for this year's Christmas cards. Just thought you'd want to know. Ok really, I'm building up the suspense before I announce the winner. Not that it isn't almost 5 hours after I said I was going to actually be drawing the winner. But hey, it's still technically the 7th for another minute, what do you want? So let's get to it already. FIRST I wrote everyone's name with red marker (see it laying next to that green ruler? I did that on purpose just so this post looked more festive) and then I stuck everyone's names inside... ...yes, my son's disgusting shoe. (I needed a container, I'm lazy, it was there. And your name was in a shoe, how do you feel about that?) THEN I closed my eyes and pulled out a name. Taking a picture with your eyes closed....not so easy. AND THE WINNER IS: Congrats Motherboard!! Email me your pictures, and your favorite card, and I'll get the files to you ASAP (I hope ...

At the moment I'm writing this, I only have 5 comments on my giveaway post . And 2 of them aren't even entering. C'mon people, you can't fool me, I KNOW there are more people out there who haven't done their Christmas cards yet. (It can't just be me....and the 3 people who entered.....who are total card procrastinators, can it?) So, if you're wondering how you're going to get your cards printed once you get the files, boy do I have solutions for you!!!! ( There's a lot of online places that will give you free prints. Especially right now. And most places, even though they don't advertise free prints, will give them to you when you sign up just because they're so happy to get a new customer. So go and check out: snapfish shutterfly vistaprint (annoying to order from because they're always trying to offer you unrelated stupid deals through the whole process, but they have some superb deals) picaboo winkflash costco (always 13 cent 4...

I think I just creeped out my four year old. I pulled out the, "You'd better go to bed because Santa's Elves are watching you to make sure you're being good!" routine. His eyes got big, and round, and scared. And he said, "Why would they do that?!" Also, our church building burned down yesterday. No wait, it didn't. But the alarm went off, and the entire ward just sat there in the chapel (and gym, because we have an enormous ward.) I sat there too. I don't know what everyone else was thinking, but the thought going through my head was, "Can somebody please get that alarm turned off, it is WAY TOO LOUD!!!!" Seriously, I think our ward is now 37% deafer after that. Oh, and there was no actual fire. And the first fire truck to show up was driven by one of our ward members who was on duty that day. Good times. And now, that GIVEAWAY: For procrastinators everywhere (that would include me) I'm giving away one free photo Christmas card d...

Tomorrow will be our first Thanksgiving alone. Not like alone alone, but family alone. As in, just Husband and the kids. And me. I'm actually really excited about it. Thanksgivings past have seemed a bit more daunting because they always involved so much social interaction. Generally with extended family -whom I like, by the way, just not all together and at the same time. (I know it must seem strange, what with my charismatic blog posts, but I don't do social interaction so well. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I'm quite the social moron.) So this year, I'm excited to run the whole Thanksgiving show by myself. (Not to mention we'll actually have all the left-overs in our fridge this year, which has never happened, and frankly I cannot wait for weeks of turkey sandwiches.) I spent most of today making rolls, pies and layered jello (no, jello is not a traditional Thanksgiving food for us, yes I made it anyway.) The boys helped shape rolls, which wa...

You know when you're young you look into the future wondering what's going to happen, where you're going to go, what you'll do, who you'll meet? It's like adventure is just waiting for you because you have so many huge events and moments to experience. You can go anywhere, you can do anything. Sometimes the adventure goes slower than you anticipated. Like the summer I got stuck being a hotel maid because I couldn't find a decent job. Or that Astronomy class that was close to putting me in a coma, except that it counted as a physical science credit which I needed and really have no aptitude for understanding rocks. Or the time I was on strict, don't even sit up, bedrest for almost 3 months. And sometimes the adventure seems to be heading in the wrong direction. Or maybe you thought it was going ok and then it suddenly changes and you're doing something that was never in the master plan. But it's still there. It's still adventure. You g...

Update 1: The squatters are now home owners. Glad that's over. Another Update: Last week I got to tag along while Husband went to Phoenix for the National Greenbuild Convention and hang out in a hotel room for 3 days ALL BY MYSELF. I want to go back. Being alone is LOVELY. Update Numero Tres: I saw NEW MOON today!!!!!!!! I have to say that the first movie kind of killed the whole Twilight thing for me. Ok, not really. But the more I watched it, the more I realized how immature being obsessed with vampires and werewolves are. And I am nothing if not mature . But after watching New Moon (which was my favorite book of the series - TEAM JACOB) I'm ready to be immature and obsessed again. I was so worried they'd ruin it. I was ready to be disappointed on some kind of level (if only slightly....or possibly a lot, I wasn't sure.) I'm not disappointed. And tonight I may just possibly dream that I'm a teenager again so that I can stalk and maybe even date Taylor La...

Someone local must have found out my pumpkin stabbing/ditching on doorstep plan....I suspect the squatters. Because the night before last someone smashed all six of our pumpkins in the road. And left every other pumpkin on the street in tact. Let me just tell you - there were a lot of pumpkins on our street. Honestly I was going to make Husband throw them in the trash yesterday morning anyway (trash day) so the smashers get me out of dealing with the kids' whining. At least I'm not the bad guy this time. But seriously? Just our pumpkins? I think someone hates us. Completely unrelated - I haven't heard back on my book yet. They're just a small publisher anyway, but still. Hey, does anyone know any really good literary agents for children's picture books? If you do, please do tell...

(Geez, how many blog posts am I going to write today?) I just sent my very first book idea to my very first publisher. Like two minutes ago. Via email. Which they could totally reject. Via not ever answering my email. I'm so nervous I think I'm going to pee myself...

So, after some venting, and some thinking, I decided that I would go over and meet our squatters. Remember how I wasn't allowed to go over there? Because I'm clearly a crazy irate person. Well, I did it anyway. I'm not really one for "waiting things out." I'm more of an "impulsive, spur of the moment" type person. And I really extra super nicely told them that they were living in our house illegally and that we weren't happy about it. I also took them a Netflix video that they had delivered to the mailbox that is technically still ours. AND I also took them some banana bread. It was at the grocery store, in the bakery section. $3 for two loaves. And the loaves were in one of those ugly plastic containers, but wrapped in saran wrap individually inside. So I took out one loaf and it looked like I totally made these people homemade banana bread as a house warming gift. Which, honestly, would have been WAY beyond my niceness scope. But still I...

I am furious. In fact, I'm fuming. I am really really really ticked off. In June we moved. We moved a few blocks away and left our house as a short sale. Because we refinanced at the height of the housing market, and then watched everything bottom out. At the same time I started making less and less money. Apparently being a free-lance anything doesn't suit well in an economic crisis. And since I was responsible for 1/3 of our income, things weren't pretty. This was a hard decision. We knew we couldn't keep making our huge house payments (for a house we'd already grown out of.) We were trying to be responsible. We had quite a few offers, but before the bank would approve the short sale they all pulled. But then we could advertise with the magic words "bank approved" and just hoped someone would offer again. They did. Then the bank decided they wanted to take their time signing the papers. It's been about 6 weeks now. It's frustrating for ...

I meant to post this a couple of days ago. Because, you know, Halloween is over and all... But whatever, I'm posting it now (I've been saving it.) Just pretend like we're not moving on to Thanksgiving for a few minutes, ok? I am afraid of the dark. I know, it’s a common fear. And it’s not like I could be the president of the “Dark Sissies” club. But I think I could at least qualify as the secretary or treasurer or something. Because I am really afraid of the dark. We have nightlights all over our house. I tell people that they are for the kids. It’s not a total lie. But they’d probably still be there even if I was kid-less. When I was 15 my parents built a new house. My room was downstairs at the end of the hall, and the bathroom was at the end of the same hall only a floor above. So in the middle of the night I had a long walk to get to a toilet that was technically only feet away. This in itself is creepy, since, you know, it’s dark ...

Did you hear about that Charmin Ambassador job in New York? $10,000 just to be really enthusiastic about using the loo. I like going to the bathroom. I like it enough to work in New York for 6 weeks being a restroom attendant for that much money. Now I just need to find some way to get to New York... I had something really wittingly blog worthy knocking around in my brain about a half hour ago. Beats me now what it was. So, I have stupid dreams (I'll blog about that, since the witty idea is obviously on vacation.) The kind you have in that half awake/half asleep state. And the more tired I am, the more dumb the dreams, and the less actual rest I get. A few nights ago I dreamed that I was using someone else's toothbrush, because I was hanging out in their living room (still don't know who this someone was) and they also had a sink and toothbrush holder RIGHT there. So why not brush? Then my dream jumped to watching my grandma riding a bright purple bike past some wheat ...

The Preschool that Lacie (my brother-in-law's wife) had been working at is holding a fundraiser for their babies. W H E N : October 30, 2009 W H E R E : Little Wonders Learning Center 3223 S. Main St, Nibley Utah T I M E : 6:00 - 8:30 pm There will be fun games and activities for all ages as well as a Silent Auction. All proceeds go to the Bastow Family (

So when it comes to your kids, how do you know if you're being a strong advocate, or you're just insanely over zealous/paranoid? I know I've mentioned it before, but my kids have some developmental issues. They all have "stuff" to deal with in varying degrees and in different stages. Yet, they're fairly normal. But, at the same time, they're not. Normal. Or "typical," depending on how you'd like to word that. To me, "normal" would be a kid who can be quirky and odd, yet goes through life functioning just fine. And then "not normal" would be the kids who can't function because they aren't just quirky and odd, they really have issues. My kids are drifting between "normal" and "not normal." They seem to be doing ok, and then it happens and I'm reminded that they don't quite fit into either category. We've seen specialists, and therapists, and even at one point a Pediatric Genetic...

No, it's not 1 AM and NO, I'm posting on my blog about nothing in particular. This is all just a dream.... You are feeling very sleeeeeepy...... Ok, so really I'm being fueled by a bottle of Diet Coke (with lime) a couple handfuls of M&Ms. Also, I'm a night owl. Also, I'm really going to hate myself in the morning when I have to get up early to make cookies to take to Super Saturday where I signed up to make a craft, in which I have to finish in time to head over to the pumpkin patch with my kids and in-laws, in which doesn't involve a nap at any point of the day. Hey, did you know that it's perfectly normal to have running dialogue going inside your head at all times? PERFECTLY NORMAL. I tell you. I read it in a book today. Well, I read something kind of like that in a book today. And it was a psychology book, so it's totally true. However it never mentioned anything about bursting into laughter at seemingly nothing when you think that the convers...

Guess who is the happiest person on the planet who, although currently has a raging migraine, just found out that season 5 of the Office is now viewable online on Netflix and has been DYING to watch Jim and Pam's wedding but won't allow herself to watch any of the Office episodes out of order and therefore thought she had to sufferably wait for the standard one DVD at a time shipping method of Netflix watching before ever finally arriving at the current season's shows because it took her much much too long to discover that the Office is the most hilarious show in the universe? That would be me. Raging migraine aside. As a side note, check out my Etsy shop . You surely won't be disappointed. Unless, that is, you aren't looking for really awesome baby hats and/or Christmas photo cards. Which everyone is, right? RIGHT?! Now onto the Office.

Lonely, slightly insane, and exceptionally dorky 28 year old seeks friend to share dollar night at the movie theater, trips to Barnes and Noble, and occasional imaginary island get-aways (but only the islands with hot cabana boys.) Must bring your own dollar for movie night, and we're totally not sharing popcorn, so get your own. You will also be required to walk aimlessly around the book store looking at nothing in particular until we get to the young adult section where we will then compare different representations of teenage vampires. And, please , do not bring your children along on our fantasy trips to hot cabana boy island. Contact Melissa at: ohmygoshwhydon'tyoujustmakefriendsalready@whataloser.com (not a real email....although I dare you to try and send spam to it.)

Sometimes Monkey gets in these moods where he must constantly destroy. You know how Mother Nature comes calling every month, turning you into a menstruating, cramping zit-faced monster? Monkey is kind of like that. Minus the whole menstruating thing (and zits...and probably cramps.) It's like once a month someone comes in and replaces my semi-crazy two year old with a psychotic mass of destruction equal to the force of 37 out of control robots times 90 mile per hour gale force winds. I can always tell it's coming. I can see it in his eyes. Also things start getting destroyed, which is a pretty obvious indicator. It's too bad a bottle of Midol and some super plus tampons will do nothing for this. When are they going to create "Crazy Monkey of Destruction" pills? It would help if they came in chewable form although I'm not opposed to intravenous doses either (instant results - that would be pleasant.)

Seriously, Brad? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Also, does it make me a horrible person if I find joy in the fact that the biological children of two of most acclaimed beautiful people (Brad and Angelina) aren't spectacularly gorgeous? Their kids are cute, but there is really nothing extraordinary about them. They just look like kids. Suri Cruise on the other hand was born beautiful. It's too bad her father is a total lunatic. And of course my kids were created as beauty itself. They were born, and still are, the most gorgeous children that will ever exist. Even when I'm out of town and Husband takes them into public with mis-matched clothes and crazy hair that hasn't seen a comb for two days. (I know you're probably questioning my claim to beautiful children now, but trust me, as their mother I have never seen cuter kids than my own.) And someone please tell Brad to shave. And burn that jacket. And possibly ditch those sunglass forever. I can't tell him myse...

It was nice to get away. Although weekends like that should last about 3 months instead of 3 days. But I got to see my little sister who is only 15 weeks pregnant and already popping a stomach - glad it's not me this time (except she'll still probably weigh less than me once she's full term, which is marginally depressing, and only made better by the fact that I am just fat and THANK HEAVENS not pregnant.) And I got to make a bouquet out of multicolored water balloons and bendy straws for my step-sister's 16th birthday. I also got to be on the freeway for the first snowstorm of the season - and you know how much fun that always is. I'm glad that the city I live in is probably the most mild-climated in the entire state, which means that we don't have snow here. Just rain. And worms on the sidewalk. And on friday I got to hang out with the parents of these little angels: Although they closed the NICU to visitors (other than parents and grandparents) because of the...

After some impulsive planning and inviting myself into my cousin's roadtrip, I get to go visit my family ALL ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't gone anywhere sans husband or kids in over 8 1/2 years. That's almost a decade. (we're rounding up, ok?) And I get to leave in like 15 minutes!!!!!!!! Do I need to tell you that I'm excited or do the multiple exclamation points make that clear enough?

Best invention ever -for the bored and whiny 4 year old male child- Nintendo 64. Mario Kart must be included. Except that the first few times he tried to play he kept tilting the paddle fully expecting it to turn his car like the Wii. But now he's good enough he can beat me (which actually isn't saying much, except did I mention that he's 4? I think being male gives you an advantage on video games though, no matter your age.) I need to find a community support group that deals with night owlish-ness behavior. Kind of like AA, but for those with an addiction to not going to bed at a decent time. Maybe then I would be so horrendously tired. I wonder what time a group like that would hold meetings. If they're after midnight then there's really point to a group is there? Unless, of course, they have brownies at those meetings. How long can a person ignore the demanding shrillish screams of multiple toddlers/preschoolers before they are considered evil human beings...

You know in the movie "Signs" where the alien is trapped in the pantry? And Mel Gibson wants to get a good look at it, so he's trying to peek under the door, but suddenly an alien claw shoots out of the crack by the floor and he has to chop it's fingers off with a big kitchen knife? Sometimes when I'm sitting on my toilet I'm afraid an alien claw is going to shoot out at the bottom of the door and grab my foot. I just can't help it. And with the way our master bathroom is situated the door is right there lending alien claws easy access to my feet. I wonder if I should start taking a knife into the bathroom. Then again, it might be kind of awkward trying to wipe with a knife in my hand. I like to do sudoku puzzles. They're fun. Unless they are the highest difficult level ones. The ones that say "HARD" at the top (usually these are at the end of any sudoku book.) I don't like those ones. Because they weren't kidding - they'r...

My brother in-law and his wife were expecting twins at the end of December. Instead her water broke around 2 AM yesterday. The babies are very early, and very tiny, and we are all very very worried. Both babies were life flighted to a hospital with a NICU which is about an hour's drive from my bro & sis-in law's house. She hasn't been able to visit them yet because she had to deliver the second baby via emergency c-section and is still in the hospital in their home town. Sophia - Sept 15, 2009 2:05am 1 pound 10 ounces, 13 inches Lukas - Sept 15, 2009 2:26am 1 pound 10 ounces, 14 inches I am asking for you help in two ways. First of all, please pray for them. All of them. It's going to be a very scary couple of days/weeks/months. Secondly, I have set up a donation fund for them, considering the exorbitant hospital bills they'll have, plus the cost of driving and staying in town to visit the babies, and all the other extra costs associated with situations lik...

Our kids have a duck bathroom. We've had the duck stuff ever since we had kids (like when we just had one bathroom and I still thought kid stuff was cute....now that I'm surrounded by kid stuff....ugh.) Part of the decor is a duck shaped rug/bath mat on the floor. And ever since we got it I cannot use the toilet or shower with it staring up me. It seriously creeps me out. Never mind the other billions of duck eyes in that bathroom. It's just the rug. So I used to flip the duck beak up over it's eyes so it couldn't see me. Now, if I ever have to use that bathroom I just step on it's eyes until I'm done. Either that or shove an article of clothing over it, because, with it being the kids bathroom, there's guaranteed to be some kind of dirty clothing near by. ***************************************** I think that Cake has some of the most interesting lyrics. Maybe it's just because I've never seriously thought about the benefits of wearing...

My kids started school this week. PHEW. Two Bits started first grade on monday, and I put Opie ('Screamer' or whatever you want to call him) on the bus for the first time at exactly 12:35 tomorrow afternoon. I would tell you how many seconds that is from now, except that my math skills are horribly inadequate (I blame this on graphing calculators, and my 8th grade algebra teacher who told us it was ok to look at the answers in the back of the book.) I want to thank everyone for their awesome comments on the last post. It seems that I am not alone in the mommy-hating-hood. And I'm probably also not alone in thinking that I was the only one in that hood before the half (ok, mostly) crazed post written amidst my mothering funk. I think we all feel alone in this because when we see other moms who ask, "You're kids are so cute, what a great mom you are! So how are you today?" You can't really answer that question with, "Please excuse me while I throw t...