Oct 31, 2008

the scariest thing you will ever read

Seeing as it's Halloween and all, I wanted to share with you the absolute SCARIEST thing that has ever happened to me. So if you have been harboring a full bladder, run to the bathroom before you read this. Because you will most definitely PEE YOUR PANTS - it's that scary.

Alright...here it is....the absolutely most terrifying thing I have ever experienced, EVER.

One day when I was in 4th grade, I wore a skirt to school. (And I say "one day" because it only ever happen one day, because I'm not even a skirt or dress wearer and never have been.) During recess the total jerky jock of our class, named Scott (which is a total jerky jock name), pushed me down and my underwear showed for a whole TWO SECONDS!


I hope you didn't wet yourself. I told you it was pretty scary.

And just in case you haven't reached full pee your pants scaredness yet, here are some of the runner's up for scariest Melissa moment:

When I was in high school I got a really bad sunburn, so I slept with a little fan blowing on my face. I got so used to it, that I just kept doing it. UNTIL ONE NIGHT.

I had my bed up next to the wall because I was still in my 'falling out of bed' stage. And as I was laying there I kept hearing a faint thud on the wall next to me. It sounded like the finger of an undead human corpse who could have possibly been laying on the floor directly under my bed just waiting for me to fall asleep so it could eat me. It really could have been. (Except that I don't know why it was tapping on my wall, because that totally would give away it's location and then I could possibly have foiled it's dinner plans.)

So I screamed for my mom - what else could I do? (Not that I wasn't 16 or anything... ) We discovered that the creepy wall tapping was not from the finger of an undead human corpse, but the fan was angled just right to blow the calendar on my wall into a gentle tapping motion.

It was totally creepy.

But not as creepy as my trip to the grocery store tuesday night. I usually don't like to venture out after dark....vampires, you know. Oh yeah, and scary stalker rapist killers. But I needed milk, and a healthy dose of 'out of the house' time.

It just so happened that every other customer in the store that night was a man. It wasn't a busy grocery shopping night, and it was almost like all these men shoppers were following me around the whole time. Or they were just walking up and down the aisles looking at food - I'm not really sure.

I learned back in my Kung Fu days to always be aware of your surroundings. So I gave the evil "don't even try it, creep-o" eye to everyone. (I make friends easily - obviously.) But then I told the store clerk that I didn't want help out to my car. Which was so stupid. Because what if one of the creepy male shoppers decides to attack me in the well lit parking lot with their keys or something?

I walked really fast to my car. I had a cart, which is good for a weapon, kind of, if it's aimed in the right direction. Plus, bags full of groceries can be weapons too. Imagine swinging a sack full of canned corn at someone's face. Oh yeah, that would hurt.

I was almost done loading the sacks into my car when I noticed a guy walking quickly towards me. Panic PANIC. What if he really was a psycho stalker rapist killer (or a vampire?) Holy cow. HOLY COW. He was getting closer. Oh crap, and all that was left in my cart was a sack with bread in it. Bread is not a weapon. (Imagine swinging a sack full of Wonderbread at someone's face - not quite the same.)

I threw the bread in my car and turned to face my attacker. It was going to be horrible, but atleast I was ready. Well, maybe if I closed my eyes then I would feel better about it. Or maybe that was stupid but now my eyes won't open because I'm paralyzed by fear. I'M SO DEAD. Literally. Blood sucking and/or key stabbing was about to happen...

Except, wait, that guy just got into the car next to me. Oh.....ok.

So I put my cart back and I went home.

And I may have made this sound a TEENY more dramatic than when it actually occurred, just for more Halloween-y effect. But mostly it's true, because sadly my brain works this way. Perhaps I need some anti-anxiety medication. Or I should just stick to not going out after dark...

Oh, and I drew a creepy picture on my sketchy blog.



Tracy said...

When I was a kid (can't remember how old) I heard someone walking back and forth outside my window one night. After I lay there in panic for a while, I jumped out of bed really fast and ran to my parents' room. I told them someone was walking outside my window, so my dad came to check it out.

So, who was it?

Apparently, there was water dripping off the corner of the roof. I thought the drops were footsteps. They REALLY sound the same, you know?

It was freaky!

Barbaloot said...

K-I could totally relate with your grocery store story. I swear, when it's nighttime, it's very easy to imagine scary people. Or creatures.
Sometimes I still run into my house from my car at night cuz I'm afraid something will get me.

Jen R. said...

Great stories! I was so scared...but I only peed myself a little

Jen said...

You really do make me giggle.

AND... that's exactly why I never wore skirts/dresses to school as a kid.

AND... Were you seriously falling out of bed in highschool??

P.S. this was TERRIFYING!!!

Janiece said...

just popping in and I am so glad I did. I got such a chuckle from your halloween horror stories.
The grocery store one...totally related to!
Have a fantastic day!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

You're killing me smalls. If you are HALF this funny in real life can we be best friends? No really... like the kind of best friends who call each other every day and complain about their kids... you know... the kind of best friend where you don't have to tidy up when you know they're coming over because you're JUST that comfortable with each other... in fact you're so comfortable that if you know your best friend is on her way you call her and demand that she stop at the gas station and buy you a fountain Diet Coke? Yeah... that kind. Think about it and get back to me.

Lani Wendt Young said...

This is totally me. All the time. Super scary stuff like that happens to me everyday. And i dont understand why nobody else understands how scary my life is!?
Love this post. You are the funniest blogger I've read all year.