because I really can't get enough of myself

Seeing as it's Halloween and all, I wanted to share with you the absolute SCARIEST thing that has ever happened to me. So if you have been harboring a full bladder, run to the bathroom before you read this. Because you will most definitely PEE YOUR PANTS - it's that scary. Alright...here it is....the absolutely most terrifying thing I have ever experienced, EVER. One day when I was in 4 th grade, I wore a skirt to school. (And I say "one day" because it only ever happen one day, because I'm not even a skirt or dress wearer and never have been.) During recess the total jerky jock of our class, named Scott (which is a total jerky jock name), pushed me down and my underwear showed for a whole TWO SECONDS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH !! I hope you didn't wet yourself. I told you it was pretty scary. And just in case you haven't reached full pee your pants scaredness yet, here are some of the runner's up for scariest Melissa moment: When I was in high school I ...

If you don't know what's been going down at My Super Hopeless Romance then, first of all, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Sheesh, it's all over the Bloggingdom - do you blog from under a rock? Secondly, you don't have to be a Cordy fan (or hater) to read this post. Because, frankly, I don't want to get into all of that over here. But I do want to say that I'm a big devotee of Cordy the character and her very entertaining love life. As a way to show my support, here is a story about a guy who wasn't my best friend that I still had a crush on, even though it wasn't really like Cordy and Seth at all, but it's the closest I have. And just to be clear from the beginning, this is a completely true story (since I have also been known to fib a bit in the name of bloggertainment and apparently that can get you into trouble.) In college there was a guy who I would have totally dated, if it had been an option. His name was Cole (the name is even real, which is going to ...

Today I moved the furniture (I'm feeling better, by the way.) It's almost like we moved to a whole new house! Ok , not really. Even though there was no actual remodeling or moving done, it does make living here a bit more interesting. And that should count for something. Plus, we have had the furniture the same since we moved here - 2 1/2 years ago. That is way too long to have a room set up in only one way. In fact, that is almost like breaking furniture law #327 - "Moving your couch will ease furniture depression, and will result in happier, comfier and bouncier sitting (or laying depending on your couching preferences.)" We must never forget our furniture's feelings. Not only is it a good idea to rearrange things, but you should also make sure to sit equally on each cushion, or that middle one that no one likes is going to get really self-conscious, and possibly suicidal (depending on if it EVER gets sat on and how big the sitter's butt is.) Also, in ou...

I hate when my internet connection suddenly dies. It's like someone just sucked all the air out the room and I'm suddenly on the floor flopping around like a fish who just jumped on a boat full of fishermen by accident and realized what an idiot they were when they took their fishy friends' dare to jump over the 'big floating metal thingy.' Ok, so maybe not quite like that. But it really is annoying to be suddenly left with no connection. Like about 10 minutes ago when I was trying to comment about Jen's earring dilemma . You know you can never rewrite a comment and have it be the same. And you know what else has to do with hate? My left kidney. I know, you totally didn't see that one coming. But it's true. My left kidney hates me. Today it's all like, "Since you had the flu allllllll weekend, and since you're dehydrated from this longer than average and completely torturous flu, I'm going to throw a tantrum and hurt. A lot. Because, he...

I want to write something totally hilarious and witty and maybe even informational (yeah, like information would ever happen on this blog.) But do you know what I've been doing the past two days? Just guess. Have you made a guess yet? This is your last chance, just guess already!!! I HAVE HAD THE FLU. Kind of like the stomach flu, but not so much puking and mostly just......ok, that was plenty of information. Eeeeeeew. Yeah, it's totally been a killer weekend. Really. Killer. And this time I mean "please just someone shoot me" when I say 'killer.' As opposed to the usual "totally awesome" version of 'killer' that I like to imply. So you will be getting nothing hilarious, witty or informational out of me today. Unless you consider defining the word 'killer' as information that you just had to know. P.S. Usually I would try to think of some word similar to "information" to use instead of typing it 5 times in one short p...

Claire tagged me. Which I think it is awesome, because Claire is hilarious and her husband calls her a psycho hose beast, which makes her blog totally worth reading. (Who couldn't love reading about a psycho hose beast? Really? I dare you to resist...) So I wanted these to be good. But good just wasn't happening, and you get these instead: 1- I finished my blog makeover. It's all Halloweeny. Yeah, I know - YOU KNOW ALREADY - yes, I do realize you are looking at my blog RIGHT NOW. But hey, after two days of "what the heck?!!!" I'm pretty proud of it. (Here's the part where you tell me you love it.) 2- Monkey hit me in the head with a plastic "ear checker" thingy from his Dr kit today. I thought he was so cute wearing the stethoscope backwards and looking through the ear checker, so I was like, "Hey Sweety, come look in Mommy's ears!" and then I bent down so he could get a good look. And then with all of his 20 mo...

Guess what? My header uploaded. Could you tell? Like the ginormousy of it didn't give the whole header uploading thing away. Yeah. There it is. Whew. That was a pain. Thanks to Mombabe 's help, and another day entirely spent looking at stupid code, I finally "expanded my widgets" and figured out the header problems. SHEEEEEEESH . Code. Who needs it. I like pictures better. Why can't life be all pictures? Speaking of which - I will be coming up with a new header (complete with matching background) in a few days. Because MAN IS THAT THING HUGE. ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE: Whenever I'm using the bathroom, I have this fear of someone hiding in behind the shower curtain. Well, I guess not just someone, but some psycho stalker killer. Just waiting for me to get done peeing so that he can jump out with his oversized knife. My fear intensifies if the tub is right next to the toilet (like 92% of all bathrooms in the world.) Which is why I have to pee with the ...

If you have visited my blog between the times of 9:45 AM and......I'll let you know when I'm done....you'll have noticed that I'm having major layout issues. Total headache giving layout issues. First of all, I have to say that I. HATE. CODE. I took a class in college where we made little html coded tables. Happy tables. Easy ones. A total breeze, these html tables. I thought I could handle a little blogger code. Not even close. And what the heck is xml? How is it different than html? Why is it even in there? And why does that stupid fly that got into our house last night keep landing on my forehead?!! It's like the world is out to get me (in a coded, fly landing way.) This all started because I wanted ads. Cool ones. I had fun signing up for different ads thinking things like, "Wooo-hoooo, KB Toys!" and "Oh yeah, this one is about BRAS!" Yeah it was fun. And I have to admit that my favorite ad is the "Develop Your Psychic and I...

This should be my most embarrassing moment. I don't know why I'm not really ashamed to tell this story (because I should be): When my husband and I were first married we lived in the scariest of dumpylands in the entire world. Ok, maybe not the entire world - but it was BAD. It was an old 50's hotel that was converted into apartments in the 70's and then had NEVER been updated since. We were lucky because there were two of us so we got a room with a kitchenette (complete with a couple of isolated burners we could plug in if we desired to cook and a toaster oven that I managed to light on fire only a couple of times.) Downstairs from this apartment was a sad little Chinese restaurant that NOBODY ever ate in (except us a couple of times) and a really rough looking bar. Thank goodness we lived on the 5th floor since it wasn't uncommon for bar fights to break out and turn ugly. The other thing about this apartment was that it had a laundry room with only ONE washer...

I had family in town this weekend, which totally cut into my blog reading time. It was horrible. I think I was having withdrawals at one point, so I had to sneak onto the computer and read a few every few hours just so I wouldn't completely lose my blogging addiction. M&Ms and blogging - my two vices. In which I am very happy to keep, because it could be worse. And I've never read any scripture anywhere that says I can't do it so I'm pretty sure my eternal salvation is still in tact. IN FACT, I distinctly remember hearing something last conference about how we should leave nice comments- I can't quote the actual words, and I don't know if they were even really referring to blogs, but I still think it TOTALLY justifies my love of blogging (and the M&M's fit in there somewhere too, I'm sure.) So the greatest part of the particular family members that were in town is that my step-mom does all of my dishes. She's one of those clean people....

Since I've been so whiny lately, here a post completely free of anything pathetic. (Ok, probably the WHOLE post is pathetic, but you know what I mean.) When I was 13-ish I dressed up like a carton of strawberry milk. It was my favorite costume of ALLLLLL time. That was also the year that I went trick-or-treating (yes, at age 13) to Donny Osmond's house. Except that Donny didn't answer the door and I'm not even sure which house was his exactly. EXCEPT that one time I did actually see Donny Osmond walking down the street after a parade in Provo. And then my friend (who my little sister thought looked like a white Tiger Woods, which is totally irrelevant to what I'm saying, but I thought you should still know) said, "Hey, it's your boyfriend" and pointed at Donny. And then I was like, "What? That old dude?! Gross." And then he had to tell me who it was. Because obviously I'm not of the Osmond loving generation. When I went trick-or...

I have this thing about my kids clothes. The thing is, I LIKE BUYING THEM CLOTHES. I get in trouble frequently for this. It's just that the old ones get so boring after awhile. And I hate it when the really cheap clothes look like poop after washing them a couple of times. Luckily, I live in a city that has outlet stores. I love outlet stores (and Ebay!) Alot of the time you can find higher quality clothes for Walmart prices so how could I NOT buy them? It would be like wasting money for me NOT to get a couple $4 shirts at OshKosh. Right? RIGHT?!! The problem is - we have tiny closets. Miniature, puny, ridiculous, TINY closets. The other problem is - I have saved EVERYTHING. Not only are the kids' closets chuck full of stuff, but we have multiple rubbermaid bins in our garage full of baby clothes they've all grown out of. Also, we may not be having any more children. And I say "may not" because if I say "for sure not" someone will have to co...

In the spirit of Columbus Day -yes, there's a spirit about it, can't you feel it?- I thought I would teach Curly and Screamer all about Columbus and his discoveries. And then they could go to their preschool and kindergarten class and when the teacher asks, "Who knows who Columbus is?" they could raise their little chubby hands and look supremely intelligent and tell everyone that I had taught them. And then their teachers would say, "Your mother is SOOOO wonderful and amazing and SUPER SUPER SMART!!" And then someone would probably write a song about me....or something. I'm not sure - I hadn't planned it beyond the adoring praises. But I knew that it was going to be awesome. Except that I couldn't really remember what Columbus did. Because, clearly, I am a horrible horrible person with no regard for history. And I also have a really bad memory. And because I probably haven't thought about Columbus since my own days in Elementary Sc...

Someone with small mischevious hands had shoved them WAAAAAAAY behind the toy box. Go figure. Oh, and I haven't cried today - but I'm not wearing socks...

We can't find it. Half of one of those huge wipe refill packages has vanished. What kind of moron can lose a huge bag of wet wipes? Well, apparently me. Hi, my name is Melissa - I am a moron. It has probably retreated to the same hiding place as the 256 binkies we have lost. And I sure hope that the little plastic thingies from our sippy cup lids -that used to keep them from spilling- are keeping the newly escaped bag of wipes company. Because we certainly wouldn't want it to feel in any way saddened or guilty for TOTALLY ditching us in our time of need ( ie . a leaking, poop filled diaper.) You know, it would be one thing if we had taken it out of the house and then lost it. It the wide wide world of who knows where. But no - it never left the house. WHERE COULD IT BE? I'm actually quite annoyed. But then again it doesn't take much to annoy me these days. You know how a little while ago I said I was feeling moody ? Yeah, well, apparently it's a prolonged moodine...

So I just signed up with Adsense and got my first ad. PARTEEEE. Funny though because the first ad I get is for M&M's. Does this shock anyone?! REALLY.

Last night I dyed my hair red. Because if there's one majorly important lesson my mother taught me it is: There is nothing wrong with hair from a box, even if it comes from ShopKo and was on sale. Apparently my sisters didn't pick up on this lesson because they both have professionals do their hair. They don't even go to Super Cuts, but to actual hair people that probably went to the same school as the people who work at Super Cuts. I'm fine with hair in a box (it doesn't even have to be from ShopKo .) Also I think that I will look 40 pounds lighter if my hair is red. That's the theory, right? (This is where you lie and say you absolutely know that theory, and holy cow I look practically anorexic with my new hair color.) When I really do get skinny (sure, that will happen) my reward is getting to dye my hair black. It was black in college, I also had a fabulous tan. I was the envy of everyone -or maybe a couple people -or maybe just that one girl who was...

So I just started my 4th blog - because I take the title of this blog very seriously, and I'm sure that EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, can't get enough of me either. Anyways, it's an arty blog. Because I am an arty person. And now you all must go to my new blog and leave a comment on my very first post and tell me how stinkin' worthwhile my new blog and my WHOLE LIFE is. Also you could send me some money. $500 from each of you should be enough. Well, maybe not. But it's a start. Now go HERE Thank you.

I'm a Foxtrot FANATIC! Ok, not really. I wouldn't be able to do the foxtrot if I had 20 years worth of lessons, or even if they put me on Dancing With the Stars and I had a bubble butted foxtrotting expert of a partner. I have the coordination of a newborn duck. It's a known fact (which you would know, if you ever saw me try to dance.) But I know there is a foxtrot fanatic somewhere in my great city, because I saw him driving around the other day. And I know this about him because his license plate cover that told me so. As I sat stuck behind the fanatic for 4 red lights (in a row- it was cruel.) I was thinking about license plate covers and bumper stickers, and then I was thinking about WHY people have license plate covers and bumper stickers. Do people really think that we as a society actually CARE enough to know that you like to foxtrot? Or what about those mega sports fans who have plastered their car with paraphenelia from a team across the country - you look ...

You know how they say that if you ask an Oreo a yes or no question, and then open it up, it will tell you the answer to your question based on if the filling all stayed on one side or not? This is COMPLETELY TRUE. It has been proven, but I'm not citing any studies because they are all very top secret and on a need to know basis. I will tell you what you need to know. For those of you who have never heard of the amazing psychic abilities of the Oreo, if it opens with all the filling on one side that's a yes. If the filling is on both sides, it's a big fat no. And I'd like to throw in my expert opinion and say that if you break the cookie while twisting it apart, but still manage to keep the filling on one side, then it's a much weaker yes. Like a "Well, probably, but don't put all your money on horse 11 just yet" kind of thing. And even though I can't cite those secret, totally legit, studies, I can give you my version on why I believe that Ore...

Last night my mom and I decided to start our own diet competition. Kind of like our own little weight watchers, but without any actual weighing in. Because no one is allowed to know how much I weigh. So don't even ask. (I lied on my drivers license, I will lie to you too!!) We're going to be keeping track of our scores on a point system. Basically, if we follow our diet for the day, 1 point. For every half hour of exercise, 1 point. And the person with the most points at the end of a month picks something for the other person to do (that they obviously don't want to do themselves- it's still a little fuzzy with the whole reward/punishment part.) But the points are simple enough, right? This should be fun, right? And think about how much weight I'll lose while I'm having that simple fun, right? WROOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!! I'm going to fail like a big failing rock that has sunk to the bottom of a wide nasty river because it thought it could swim like Michea...