Jul 19, 2011

I have issues.

I have a domestic problem.

I get really embarrassed talking about it.

I feel very alone in this, but in the hopes that there is a fabulous online support group that will take me under their wing and guide me into a happy existence where my problem doesn't seem like such a big deal, I will now share, WITH THE WORLD, my sad domestic failings:

I don't know how to......um.....properly....eeeeeee....use a can opener.

THERE, I said it.

I have gone through about 9 can openers in the last decade.  Because I murder them.  By using them WRONG.  I don't even know what I'm doing wrong.  But wrong it is.  And broken they become.  (The last one we had even fell apart.  Into about 5 pieces.  While my children watched.)

We'll have family visit sometimes, and they'll pull out a can and be like, "Woah, what's up with your can opener?"  And I have to hide my problem by lying and saying, "Stupid cheap can opener!  It's been doing that lately because, it's so, just, very, uh, CHEAP.  It's a piece of garbage!  I can't believe it's breaking, it makes me SO MAD! grrrrrrr."  And then, whoever the relative is, is like, "Ok, sheesh, calm down, it's just a can opener."  And then I know my charade has worked and no one will ever find out that it's because I don't how to properly use can openers.

Every time I open a can I try really hard to do it right.  REALLY.  I try to figure out what it is I'm doing wrong, and I try to fix it.  But, in the end, our can openers go quickly and painfully, and I'm left frustrated beating a can of peas against my forehead.

Just to clarify, I'm talking about a manual can opener.  The kind you twist.  I tried an electric can opener once.  I couldn't get the can to stay attached to the blade, and then I couldn't even get it to turn on.  It was a horrible failure that makes my manual can opener problems seem like toddler fodder.

Some good news is that the Great Value brand (found at none other than the fabulous store WALMART) is putting pull tabs on their cans, making a can opener obsolete.  Same with Campbell's soup.  It's like they really GET ME.  You know?  Perhaps I'm not so alone in my problems after all.  Maybe. Or they're all spying on me with high-tech satellite dishes and somewhere a group of people is watching me on a monitor and they're all laughing, "Look - that idiot can't even use a can opener properly!  HA HA HA. WHAT A DORK!!"  But there's a shy girl in the corner who takes pity on me and with her underdog power she convinces the Great Value and Campbell's soup CEO's to put pull tabs on their cans because she feels so very bad for me and my massive domestic incapabilities.  (It's probably that.)

But for now, when I don't have a Great Value or Campbells can handy, I continue to struggle with my problems, facing every day with new resolve that just MAYBE today is the day I overcome my issues with the little twisty contraption.

And now that you know all about my embarrassing domestic issues, please, someone come forward and tell me that they can't open cans properly either.  Anyone.  I don't even care if you fib about it.  Just hearing that I'm not alone in this will make the next time I confront a can of peas so much easier.


Wonder Woman said...

I can't use a can opener, either. They're all complicated with their knobs, and blades, and twisty wheels.....I think that Satan invented them.

Growing up we had an electric can opener. The first time I had to use a manual one was when I was babysitting and totally had to call my mom to figure it out.

Jenny P. said...

I always thought my can opener issues were because I'm left handed. And clearly can openers are designed for a right handed world.

When I was in the first grade, I remember very clearly how terrible it felt to see all of my friends cutting out construction paper snowmen while I sat there, snowmanless, waiting for my teacher to scrounge around for a pair of left handed safety scissors. Finally, after days of scissor inferiority, I picked up a pair of regular scissors and started cutting with my right hand. It was easier that way...

I keep thinking I should do the same thing with my can opener, but then I go and try to switch my hands, and I can't even figure out how to HOLD IT. It's a sad, and canned pea-less existence.

(I swear, though your request was very compelling, I didn't make up one single word of this comment.)

Kristina P. said...

The manual ones are super easy! It's the electronic ones I have issues with. I am judging you.

Barbaloot said...

The trick is not to eat anything that comes from a can.

And hey-how's settling into Utah? Where are you? Did you decide you love it after all? Cuz it's really great here, right?!

heather said...

I have stupid, cheap can openers too.

It did take me more time than I'll admit to figure out how to use them too. Now, I have the problem of 7 in 10 times cutting my finger on the edge of the can. That's my problem.

Melanie Jacobson said...

You. My husband. Peas. Pod.

Jen said...

So, my mom gave me one of those fancy openers that leave no jagged edges for Christmas, and it is light pink and shaped like a bunny. Carazy!

I feel for you in this difficult time of can opener and Utah living hardship. May the can goddess smile upon your journey soon.

LisAway said...

Oh! I was about to declare that I've never opened a can properly in my life, but then I saw that you already have a number of fellow imbiciles (JUST KIDDING) so there's no need for me to lie.

Or maybe they're just really good liars?