I have a domestic problem.
I get really embarrassed talking about it.
I feel very alone in this, but in the hopes that there is a fabulous online support group that will take me under their wing and guide me into a happy existence where my problem doesn't seem like such a big deal, I will now share, WITH THE WORLD, my sad domestic failings:
I don't know how to......um.....properly....eeeeeee....use a can opener.
THERE, I said it.
I have gone through about 9 can openers in the last decade. Because I murder them. By using them WRONG. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. But wrong it is. And broken they become. (The last one we had even fell apart. Into about 5 pieces. While my children watched.)
We'll have family visit sometimes, and they'll pull out a can and be like, "Woah, what's up with your can opener?" And I have to hide my problem by lying and saying, "Stupid cheap can opener! It's been doing that lately because, it's so, just, very, uh, CHEAP. It's a piece of garbage! I can't believe it's breaking, it makes me SO MAD! grrrrrrr." And then, whoever the relative is, is like, "Ok, sheesh, calm down, it's just a can opener." And then I know my charade has worked and no one will ever find out that it's because I don't how to properly use can openers.
Every time I open a can I try really hard to do it right. REALLY. I try to figure out what it is I'm doing wrong, and I try to fix it. But, in the end, our can openers go quickly and painfully, and I'm left frustrated beating a can of peas against my forehead.
Just to clarify, I'm talking about a manual can opener. The kind you twist. I tried an electric can opener once. I couldn't get the can to stay attached to the blade, and then I couldn't even get it to turn on. It was a horrible failure that makes my manual can opener problems seem like toddler fodder.
Some good news is that the Great Value brand (found at none other than the fabulous store WALMART) is putting pull tabs on their cans, making a can opener obsolete. Same with Campbell's soup. It's like they really GET ME. You know? Perhaps I'm not so alone in my problems after all. Maybe. Or they're all spying on me with high-tech satellite dishes and somewhere a group of people is watching me on a monitor and they're all laughing, "Look - that idiot can't even use a can opener properly! HA HA HA. WHAT A DORK!!" But there's a shy girl in the corner who takes pity on me and with her underdog power she convinces the Great Value and Campbell's soup CEO's to put pull tabs on their cans because she feels so very bad for me and my massive domestic incapabilities. (It's probably that.)
But for now, when I don't have a Great Value or Campbells can handy, I continue to struggle with my problems, facing every day with new resolve that just MAYBE today is the day I overcome my issues with the little twisty contraption.
And now that you know all about my embarrassing domestic issues, please, someone come forward and tell me that they can't open cans properly either. Anyone. I don't even care if you fib about it. Just hearing that I'm not alone in this will make the next time I confront a can of peas so much easier.