Jul 29, 2011

the vent creatures

I need to take pictures of all the little details in my house.

I know there our people out there that appreciate the "character" of old houses.  There are definitely a few things around here with "character".  (Like our crystal doorknobs.)

But  mostly I need to take pictures so I can show you how creepy our air vents are.

They're really big. 

Once Husband told me that one time when his uncle was young he saw a scary movie about creepy creatures that came out of the air vents and it totally damaged him for YEARS.  And when I look at our air vents all I can think about are creatures coming out of them.

(I tried to figure out what the movie was so I could refer to it by title.  But google didn't give me any good information when I typed "the movie with creatures in the air vents" in the search box.)

A couple of nights ago I stayed up late working, and everyone else was asleep.  Which was fine.  Until my brain was no longer occupied by rational, work-related, thoughts.  And I had to get ready for bed.  At 2 AM.  With everyone else unconscious.

There's one of those big vents in the bathroom.

I had to ignore it the whole time I brushed my teeth.

And then I had to ignore it some more while I took out my contacts.

All the ignoring was really starting to wig me out, so while I used listerine and did my eye drops I had to pull out my surefire "something evil is trying to get me, so I need extra protection" and I hummed hymns.  (Humming hymns will protect you from evil.  NO DOUBT.  Even if you gargle listerine in the middle of "We Thank Thee Oh God for a Prophet".)

And finally I was all ready for bed. 

But I had to WALK PAST the air vent to get out of the bathroom.  (By the way, this is making my bathroom sound huge.  It's not huge.  It's like a tiny tiny little tiny thing.  Which made the vent ignoring REALLY HARD.)  Walking past the vent was really like 1.75 steps and then I'd be out of the bathroom and safe.

But just as I was going past the vent and out the door, SOMETHING GROWLED AT ME!!  And all I could think of was this:

But it turns out that it was just Husband snoring in the next room.

The next day I told him about all of this vent stuff.  And he said, "You are scared of EVERYTHING."

And I said, "Yes."

And he said, "You know, it's a wonder you can even function with everything that scares you."

And I said, "You're right.  I should just hide in bed all day with the covers pulled up to my chin."

And then he laughed.  Oh ho, funny.

And then he found me later in bed with the covers pulled up to my chin and he was like, "What are you doing?!"



Melanie Jacobson said...

How old is the house? Maybe the giant air vents were actually polygamist escape hatches.

Lani Wendt Young said...

You totally need to board up all those vents. Today. Because Im telling you, there are creatures living in there. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. Which makes it scientifically true in every way. And no amount of hymn humming is going to save you.
Or if the vents actually serve a purpose ( like moving air around and stuff) then you need to get some thigh high spike-studded boots. With stiletto heels. ( i believe they sell them at ahem "adult fashion" shops.) Then you can stab vent creatures when they grab you.
Suggestions from a reader who cares about you and your survival.

mommabas said...

I think the movie had something to do with "Zulu Warriors" or little african warriors coming up through the vents with their spears. Hope that helps! :)
Kinda like me with outhouses; I don't really want to look first, but sometimes do because I have always had this fear that something (or someone) will bite my rear.............
Jessica hates outhouses so much that she actually did her deed BEHIND the outhouse (in the bushes) in Yellowstone. Yep, we thought she'd get arrested for peeing in a National Park!

Emmy said...

Oh this makes me really glad we don't have big vents as I think I would be freaked out now.

www.lmlong.com said...

Holy Cow this made me laugh so hard- sometimes I think I'm the only one with completely irrational fears. Love.