my secret double life

I think everyone should be allowed to have a secret double life where rules don't apply and you can be whatever you want.  No matter what.  In fact, we shouldn't be allowed, it should just be a requirement for life.

I planned out my whole secret double life the other day. 

I want to be a seriously hot rocker chick. 

A good rocker chick though, with major stage appeal.  Not just some girl who stands in front of people with a mic stand swinging her hips around.  I would be the best rocker chick the world has ever seen.  And I'd also be the lead guitarist in my band.  Because I want to be able to rip a mean solo on my Les Paul.  (Not that I really have a Les Paul guitar.  I do own a couple of guitars, an accordion and a piano; and our Guitar Hero guitar says it's a Les Paul, so that should count for something.)

Of course in this secret double life I would be horribly attractive.  Skinny, and probably wearing something pleather (not real leather though, because I'm also a member of PETA in my secret double life.)  But I would still want to look like me.  Except a much more attractive version of me.  That way I could entice every male within a 50 foot radius.  And I would lead them all on, in super sexy rocker chick style.  After they follow me around awhile like slobbering little puppies, one of them would be bound to make a move on me.  Then I'd tell them that I am very happily married.  They'd be crushed and lay in bed eating ice cream for a couple months to get over it.

My band would play serious hard rock.  And my bassist would be awesome (he would be able to play almost as good as me, but not quite.)  Except our lyrics wouldn't be about the regular hard rock stuff like drugs and satan.  And it would never have swear words in it either.  Instead our songs would be about cantaloupe, flannel pajamas and abnormally large coat buttons.  Our dirtiest song would probably be about a dark chocolate Dove bar. 

No one would even care that I'm melodically screaming the line: "I'm tossing and turning in my flannel pjs, remembering I'm using our warm flannel sheets.  It's dangerous DANGEROUS when you try to pair flannel! Soon all that's free is my two little feets."  Because we would be rocking so hard everyone would just get dizzy from all the head banging.  Plus it would be a nice change from the usual.  And my kids could come to all my concerts - if they knew about my secret double life that is.  Which they wouldn't.  Because if there's one way to ruin a secret double life, it would be to invite your regular life along.

The best part about my secret double life would be being on stage.  And loving it.  And being able to sing and move in a way that looked natural.  I would own that stage.  Because in my regular life I don't even like it when people try to look at me through their car window when we're both stopped at a traffic light.  And it's a wonder I can walk upright with my coordination.  And the only people who get to hear me sing are my kids at bedtime and the car stereo when I'm all alone.  (A few weeks ago I sang a Weezer song in the kitchen, which was pretty brave of me.)

You know what I was doing when I planned this whole secret double life of mine?  I was BUYING YARN.  Like a little old lady.  The saddest part about it was that I was really excited to buy that yarn.  And oooooh, look a new color of blue in my favorite brand!  My secret double life self shudders inside just thinking about it.

(In effort to be less boring, I think I might come to CBC with black hair.  I've been wanting black hair again for like 3 years now.  And I was even thinking about streaking purple into it.  That's not boring, right?  Or is it just stupid?)