Right now He's saying, "Honestly, go make dinner already!" But I feel like if I don't get this all typed and OUT THERE, I will not be able to cook vegetables to perfection (which never happens anyway, but I'll be extra distracted, so they'll be extra grody.)
Once, after Monkey was born, my visiting teacher came by for a chat. I asked her how she was doing and she said:
"Have you ever felt like you have taken on too many things, and you feel like you're failing at every single one?"
I nodded my head and tried to sympathize and it's always stuck with me. Because at the time I was in no way in a happy place (remember the Monkey post) but I really hadn't ever felt like that.
NOW I DO. Boy do I ever.
My life has been so stressful, and getting more and more stressful as the years progress, that I feel like I'm drowning. I used to think that if I could keep my nose just above the water that I'd be ok. But I've been a good few feet under the surface for awhile.
So it's no wonder that God has been trying to send me a wake up call. But seeing as our Heavenly Father knows us individually, and knows our limits and abilities, He has been sending me the call in pieces. He undoubtedly knows that if He sent the message all at the same time I would be sitting in a padded cell somewhere, completely overwhelmed.
The first part of the call came when I realized the kids were happier without toys and tv and bikes. I had gotten into the really horrible habit of plugging my kids into whatever would keep their attention away from me as long as possible. And I would get aggravated when they were at my feet whining for something every few minutes. So God said, "See Melissa, unplugged kids are HAPPY kids."
I had to mull over that one for a few days.
Then, remember when I said that I wanted to declutter and reorganize my house? That was from God too. (Thoughts of cleaning don't originate from my brain all by themselves.) So far I've only gotten my bedroom and the hall closet done. But I already feel so much better. Non-clutter is calming, which is what we need here. I can't wait to get the rest of the house finished.
The last piece fell into place yesterday. And when I say "fell" I mean it literally.
Opie is a difficult child. I think I've more than mentioned that before. If you're a long time reader, you'll know that his blogname used to be Screamer. And I only changed it because Husband thought it was detrimental to his psychee to refer to him that way. (Which it probably is.)
Yesterday was going really horribly already. And with the steady current of stress running through me, I don't think I helped much. Opie was banished to his room for beating up on the little kids. This happens a lot. Banishing Opie for some alone time is the only strategy that seems to work for him. But he gets very angry in there. And he kicks things, and hits stuff, and throws books, and breaks things that get in his way. I try to stop him from doing this - - but stopping Opie is almost impossible. The kid has as much will as a 40 ton boulder at the top of Mt Everest.
One screaming event led to another, and before I could prepare myself, the shelf in his room came crashing to the floor. Keep in mind that this is a sturdy shelf. We bought it when Two Bits was quite small and has been hanging on a wall in our house since and has never gotten close to falling before. But crashing it came.
Luckily Opie was moving in a direction AWAY from the crashing shelf. That couldn't have been a coincidence (God's hand is in all things, without doubt.) Picture frames shattered into a million tiny glass pieces. Heads popped off of the antique toy that was Husband's late grandpa's. The dresser underneath the shelf was thoroughly scratched, the humidifier on top of the dresser was demolished. The wall suffered irreparably (we really don't think we'll get the deposit back on this place.) Basically chaos happened when that shelf fell.
And I lost it. LOST IT. More than I've ever lost it in my entire life. I think our neighbors heard....from two blocks away.
Opie was promptly deposited in the time out chair where he screamed, "I HATE MOMMY!!!" I don't like anyone in this house!!" I HATE IT HERE!!!!" until he was hoarse. I spent 40 minutes extracting glass shards from the carpet. Then Opie and I had words. And I told him he was not allowed around anyone in our family until he could learn to be less of a jerk. (I called my 5 year old a jerk.)
Then I had a complete emotional break down. For about 2 hours.
Since then, I've been thinking, and praying - conversing with God.
I've taken on too much and I'm completely failing at everything.
I'm not sure if my wake up call is over, or if it has more parts. But I know that things are really going to change around here. PRIORITIES are going to happen. For months I've been praying, "Help me make more money. Help my kids behave. Help me lose weight. Help me like church again. Help me be sane. Me me me me me me me me me." I was asking and expecting without doing the required amount of work. I thought I was trying. But I wasn't even close.
So now I'm awake. (And dinner is going to be finished really late.) And I'm just glad that God sends wake up calls. And I'm ready to do what it takes now.
I'm ready to be happy again.