Mar 15, 2011

the offensiveness of junkmail has been taken to horribly new levels

Sometimes I check my junkmail folder to see if there's anything good in there.  You know how sometimes you get real live emails that for some reason end up in the junkmail?  Yeah, well, usually I miss those, because I get like 250 messages a day delivered to my junkmail and I only randomly check it....like once every 3 months....if there's a full moon.....and I've eaten enough chocolate.

Tonight was one of those nights.  (Ok, honestly I don't know if there's a full moon, but I did just eat a handful of chocolate chips.) So I did it, I checked my junkmail folder.

And the absolute RUDEST email was in there. 

It was so totally offensive that I couldn't even believe it was really in there.  But I stared at it for awhile, and sure enough, I wasn't hallucinating this time, it was really truly there. 

You know, I expect the emails from overseas bankers asking me to transfer them money, and I except the sleazy singles websites wanting me to look at their scantily clad photos, and I totally expect to get 50 messages a day telling me how awesome it would be to enlarge my....you know.  (Not that I even have a "you know", but if I did, it could be the size of elephant's trunk if all the offers I got were true.  And then WHERE would I find pants to contain it, I ask you?)

The email in my junkmail tonight was so much worse than money scams and "you know" sizes.  SO MUCH WORSE.  (For the faint of heart I must warn you to turn away now, and please don't blame me after you get as offended as I am.)  The subject line of this email was exactly this:

GET A NEW BRA

Can you even believe it?!!!!  I didn't even have the courage to open the email.  The NERVE of some people.  Just because I have saggy, I-put-granny-knockers-to-shame-with-these-old-things, boobs doesn't give random strangers the right to send me such horrid emails.  Even if my junkmail filter was trying to protect my fragile booby ego and hide it away.

I am sorry to have forever scarred you with such horrendous things. 

I just wanted you to understand that if you ever write to me and I don't answer, it might be because your email accidentally ended up in the junkmail folder, which I now solemnly vow never to look in again.  And plus I might be a little busy giving my saggy granny knockers a little peptalk so they'll get up off the floor once in awhile....or possibly I might be using every spare minute I have to learn some kind of specialized Kung Fu where I use my boobs to swing around and smack people, because then I can hunt down the emailer and beat them senseless....or maybe I won't answer because the moon just might not be full.

4 comments:

Melanie Jacobson said...

I'm pretty sure that Oprah endorsed a magical bra at Nordstrom that would cure every woman in America of saggy granny knockers. I think she either sends Nate Berkus or Dr. Oz over to fit it for you, even.

Loralee and the gang... said...

I know! I hate junk mail. One time, early in my emailing days, I opened one that had sexual references just to unsubscribe to it. There was no "unsubsxribe" button, so I replied to it, asking them to remove my email address from their list. Umm, duh, NOW I know what a misktake THAT is and that you should never should do that, but then I had NO clue!

Autumn said...

Just so you know, I'm dying and my roommates are dying. You're friggin hilarious.

elesa said...

Ooh, I think you might be on to something with that specialized Kung Fu. You could teach it in Rest Homes and stuff and have a secret army of deadly old ladies!