Sep 28, 2011

cartoons of me dying by the hands of Dr. Satan

I am writing from my deathbed, also known as my couch.

I went to a dr today, and he pretty much, sort of, really, kind of, KILLED ME. (With excruciating pain and torment. I think he might be Satan.)

So, to backtrack, I've been ignoring something for about, oh, 3 1/2 years. Partly because before Husband got his new job we had the worst health insurance EVER.  And partly because I had to fix my eyes first.  And partly because I was hoping that if I ignored it long enough, it would just GO AWAY.  Like magic.  Or a stray dog.

But no.

Pretty much it's just gotten worse. And worse. And really super worse. And basically my whole abdominal region is thoroughly messed up. Probably I'm the champion at messed up abdominals. I should really get a medal or trophy or something. Instead, all I've gotten is pain, sickness, pain, more sickness, pain, pain and mostly a whole lot of pain.

And the past few-ish months it's gotten to the point where life pretty much sucks the big rocks. And I don't even like to move my body. Or think about moving my body. Or think about thinking about moving my body. And then, when I actually have to move my body (which happens on most days) I find myself in super mega pain, and want to murder puppies and strangle unicorns and then die.  And stuff.

So I saw a surgeon today, because most of the pain is being caused by a hugely ginormous hernia right in the middle of my stomach that has a wad of unprotected intestines protruding from it in a massively vulnerable state (medical TMI, I know).  So the surgeon needs to fix that, so I can go on fixing other crap that needs fixing until one day I'm a normal human being again.

AND NOW I've drawn helpful illustrations to chronicle the rest of my day (because while on my deathbed I was perusing hyperbole and a half, which I haven't done in awhile, which is sad because it's hilarious, and also which always inspires me to draw my own pictures).

First the doctor wanted to make sure he had the right spot.

He may or may not have been using his elbow, sprouted horns and/or called up hellfire.  I'm not really sure because first I was blacking out from the pain and then my natural "fight or flight" instincts started kicking in.

Except, in real life, the pain was just too much.  I couldn't even get my sword out, or kick him, or anything, because I was too busy doing this:


And then I had to crawl ALL THE WAY back to my car (which was really far because I couldn't find any parking spaces anywhere remotely close to the building).

And then when I got home I put on my comfy pants (which are actually the pants I wear all the time, unless I have to leave my house, since leaving my house requires real pants).  And the rest of the day I've been on my deathbed (couch) doing this:

And this:

And this:

And, you know, perusing Hyperbole and a Half and then drawing pictures on my ipad.  But mostly, I've just been dying.

ALSO, it's really comforting to know that Dr. Satan will be cutting open my innards in two weeks.  I'll probably wake up impregnated with devlish spawn embryos that, upon returning home, will burst out of my chest like in the movie Aliens.


Grzesiek i Lisa Pawlik said...

You are amazing. Seriously. I'm laughing and crying at the same time. Almost literally. Those drawings are so, so, so, so awesome.

You are amazing. And hopefully that's how you'll feel when your guts aren't sticking out between your stomach muscles anymore.

LisAway said...

Pretty sure you know that was me, but just in case: That was me.

Barbaloot said...

I think your first mistake was visiting someone named Dr. Satan... Oh, that wasn't his real name?

I do like the drawings. Except then I feel guilty cuz I'm laughing and I know you're in pain and I'm laughing about it! I'm sorry!!

Caroline said...

Yes, but I don't understand what your hernia looks like. I am trying to picture it in my head to no avail. Can you please illustrate?

Wonder Woman said...

Yes, a picture of the hernia is needed, too. Did Dr. Satan say how big it was? Maybe it's like 20 pounds you'll be 20 pounds lighter in two weeks! What a great way to lose weight!

The pictures are hilarious, though I, too, feel bad for laughing at your pain. You're a seriously great artist. I, too, was on the couch most of the day, but only because of a broken toe. Lame.

Hope it all gets better soon and the dying stops.

Lani Wendt Young said...

Once again you have confirmed for me why you belong on a pedestal of GoddessLike Blogger Woman porportions. Youre dying. Satan may or may not have impregnated you with alien embyros of hellfire. Youre in pain. And you can still draw the funniest, cleverest pictures. And blog the funniest cleverest stuff. You rock. (Oh, and I do hope that you feel better soon.)

Becca said...

Oh my gosh Melissa, I really can't get over your sense of humor! I LOVE IT. Those drawings were awesome! I almost peed my pants. I'm glad you are getting your hernia fixed ;) Let me know if you need help with your kids that day.

elesa said...

My very favorite is when you kick him in the head. Who hasn't wanted to do that during a Dr's appointment? I hope the next few weeks fly by and you are all recovered before you know it!

Candela said...

Get well soon Melissa.... Is it why you haven't blogged anything for the pas few days?? This one is so funny!! Love it!! I didnt know that you're good in drawing too

Rachel Sue said...

SO, I know you are dying and all. But you still made me laugh. I hope the surgery makes it better. And when you're not dying and all we still need to hang out.