Sep 22, 2011

boop boop, bleep, whirrrrrr, ding

I think life would be easier if I were a robot.  But not like one of those ugly metal things with a monotone digital voice.  I think I would still want to look human but with perfect robot abs and perfect robot hair and perfect perky robot boobs and other perfect robot parts (like elbows).  That still look human. 

And I would have to be programmed to blink, because things look really creepy when they don't blink, and I would want to CHOOSE when to look creepy, not have it be constant.  You know?

If I were a robot, I would never get sore throats.  That would have been appreciated this week, let me tell you.  Sore throats are horrible, because I can't even yell at my kids or make sound effects or anything.  And robots are excellent at sound effects, plus also, I would have a volume control so I could yell loud enough to shake the neighbor's windows.

And the volume control would come in really handy when my kids are doing their own yelling.  If you look back in my archives I used to call Opie "Screamer" because he is so very good at screaming.  Number Four also has many screaming talents.  All of my kids are good at it, really.  But Opie and Number Four PRACTICE screaming. 

You think I'm kidding, don't you?

I'm not kidding, Opie and Number Four will get into (daily) screaming tantrums and change the pitch and tone of their scream to find the absolutely most annoying sound possible.  Because the point of their (daily) screaming tantrums is to get whatever they want when I say no to things like more than 5 marshmallows or making them put their own socks away or enforcing the "no kicking your sister in the teeth" rule.  They really hate it when I move on with life instead of  giving in.  So they scream.  Then the practicing starts up.  And then they find that perfect annoying combination of pitch, tone and volume.  And then my head explodes.

If I were a robot, my head would never explode.  Because I would just turn down the volume on my ears and then my kids could scream their little lungs out over things like marshmallows and socks, and I could make dinner in peace.

I would invent a second robot to do all the laundry, if I were a robot.  Because robots are smart, and they know how to make other robots.  And my laundry robot would be THE BEST.  And I would even make it starch Husbands jeans, because I hear that good laundry robots do that.  And maybe the laundry robot would clean the bathrooms when it wasn't busy with the laundry. 

Except that the laundry robot would be the ugly metal kind because I wouldn't want it to steal away my husband with it's promises of starched jeans and clean toilets.

If I were a robot, I wouldn't have to sleep.  Sure I'd have to plug myself in sometimes.  But only like every other thursday or something.  For about 2 hours.  And can you imagine all the crap I could get done with all my free time?  I could put my plans of world domination into effect AND watch all the Netflix I wanted.

I think I would like to be a robot kind of like Inspector Gadget.  Not the part where he's really stupid, just all the gadgets.  Like when the lawn needs mowed, I would just stick out my arm and it would turn into a lawnmower and I would use my super speed to cut all the grass in under 15 seconds. 

Or when my kids need to go to school, I wouldn't even need a car because I could just have a propeller come out of the top of my head and a basket lower from my butt and the kids would hop in and I would fly them wherever they needed to be. 

And also, I think I would want to have an internal replicator so that if we needed something I would just think about it, and then I would push on my belly button and my stomach would pop open like a microwave door and the thing we needed would be sitting in my hollow innards.  Except, if the thing we needed was like a car or something, I wouldn't want to replicate it because that would make me look really fat, walking around with a Porsche in my gut.  And if I were a robot, I would never ever look fat.  Ever.

If I were a robot, I would be programmed with the right emotional responses.  So if someone told a joke, I would laugh automatically, and everyone would want to be my friend because apparently people like to have their jokes laughed at. 

And if a kitten sneezed, I would automatically say, "awwwww," and think it was adorable. 

And if someone made me mad I would automatically punch them, and then I'd say, "I'm sorry, that is my automated response, consider this your warning." 

But I wouldn't have any sad emotions programmed in.  And I wouldn't even own tear ducts, because they would probably destroy my positronic matrix or something.

There are so many more good things about being a robot.  Stuff like having extra eyeballs or an infallible memory of every stupid thing other people say.  But, sadly, I am not a robot, so I have to do my own laundry and lock myself in the bathroom when my kids scream and waste my time sleeping.  So I think I'm going to go cry about it now, since I don't even have a positronic anything to mess up.


Barbaloot said...

Plus, if you were a robot, you probably wouldn't have to floss. That's be the best part.

Whimsy-ma-blog said...

Hmm, robot. Good idea. I've been stuck on wanting to be a superhero, but a robot would be good too...

Jennie said...

Hahahahahahahaha. Well now I want to be a robot too!

Caroline said...

I was going to leave a witty comment, but everything sounded mean instead of pithy. There needs to be a robot function for that.

LisAway said...

Do you realize that you have just solved every problem I've ever had IN ONE POST!?! Or, I mean, they WILL be solved once Google gets ahold of the post and finally starts working on the robot transformation program. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed that option isn't up in my menu already...

LisAway said...

Also, this post was such a great mix of funny, cute, and almost a little sad (because being human is a little sad). I loved it.

Wonder Woman said...

I'm glad you clarified the way you would want to look as a robot. Because I was totally thinking of Wall-e until you said otherwise. Now I'm thinking of Star Trek's Data. But with boobs.

It's kinda weird.

But I really like the being able to down down your ear volume and not getting sick thing. That would be AWESOME.

p.s. awesome and clever post. I think you should send it to MMB. Seriously.

Melanie Jacobson said...

I would love the always having perfect hair part. Not hair part. I mean the part about always having perfect hair.

Jen said...

Please build a second laundry robot for me. I am sorry about your exploding head. I hate when mine does that. Just another mess to clean up.

Jen said...

Also, maybe sometimes you could just pretend to be a robot, and say, "Engage autopunch" and then people would be confused and unsure if you were a real robot or not.