You know when, after you've eaten, your stomach can gurgle a little bit? You know how most people don't really like other people to talk about those gurgles, because it's kind of awkward? My husband missed that memo even though the rest of society seemed to get it just fine.
He really can't miss a good stomach gurgle without some kind of lame comment. Because after 30 years of life, apparently he still finds digestion fascinating.
My years of marriage have given me some experience dealing with this (since, you know, he does it EVERY time.) And instead of getting annoyed, or angry or embarrassed I've come up with something a whole lot better:
The Stomach Gods
So when I get a, "HOLY COW - was that your stomach?!!!" from Husband (who clearly feels comfortable reverting to 2nd grade amusements.) I just say, "The stomach gods are accepting my sacrifice." or "The stomach gods are angry." Or sometimes I just roll my eyes - but that's not the point of this post.
Since this has been going on for years, there are now other parts of my body that are ruled by gods. (Keep in mind, I don't really believe this, since I do tend to frown on sacrilege and all - the gods are more just a coping mechanism to living with infantile male behavior.)
I even have mental images of what these gods would look like, I will explain them to you now:
The Stomach Gods: You know all those obnoxious tiny men on the movie 'Willow' that wear animal skins and are always jabbing their little spears at things? Those are exactly like my stomach gods. And there's a bunch of them in there. And they don't like to get along.
The Intestine Gods: These guys are wusses. They don't like to work much, and are constantly complaining. Of course most of their grumbling started after I had them horrendously smooshed by my non-stop pregnancies. But still - get over it, and grow some muscles you pansies.
The Kidney Goddess: Clearly my kidneys are ruled by a woman. She's moody, and sometimes has full on raging tantrums that can end as quickly as they begin. But most of the time, if I give her what she wants, she's happy enough. And I'm really sure she has a legitimately reasonable excuse for her tantrums (as all women do.)
The Sinus Satyr: Things like sinuses are too small to get their own gods. So my sinuses got a satyr instead. This is clearly why they swell so much in the summer. Because if hot, dirty goat hair doesn't scream "allergen" I don't know what does.
The Migraine Demon: Because I'm pretty sure they aren't caused by anything other than pure evil. I have had the same headache for 4 days. Sometimes it just sits in my head and waits to come screaming back at me with full force. He is a wretched evil thing, that demon.
I probably could come up with some more, except that most of my other organs/body parts seem to work just fine. So I guess not all of my imaginary gods are incompetent. Just the ones that hate me. Or the ones that Husband seems drawn to point out.