Feb 10, 2010

I'm not fat, my scale just hates me.

That's what it is.

It's probably an evil scale anyway.  Always lying to me.  Telling me I'm fat.

The worst part about it is that the scale has also convinced all the mirrors in my house to play along.  And I know it got my pant size on board ages ago.  It's also managed to get the camera to cooperate, even though I treat that camera like one of my dear precious children.  And this evil, hateful scale has attached a big mound of blubber right on my midsection.

Well guess what scale - I hate you too.

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I think showers are a waste of time.

You get in just to get all wet, emerge dripping, get a nice clean towel wet, redress yourself, figure out something to do with your crazy 'just got wet and now it's going to dry ultra fuzzy, don't even think about using a blowdryer' hair, and put on all the makeup that you just washed off even though your mascara could probably have passed for a whole extra day as along as you didn't see anyone any closer than the drivers side of the minivan while you pick up kids from school.

And this stupid shower routine takes time.  Lots of extra wasted time that you could be doing something important - like watching all the shows on Hulu that you missed last night.  Or, ok fine, working.  (But lately, more Hulu.  My eyes hurt - what do you expect?)

I hereby declare a shower strike.  You can join me or smell me - it's your choice.

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Husband tried to convince me the other day that he's never prayed about pooping his pants in public.  I thought it was a pretty standard prayer. Mine usually go something like this:

"Oh please OH PLEASE don't let me poop my pants here in the kitchen aisle at Walmart.  I promise I will never eat another super sour cream, extra bean and oil burrito in under two minutes again.  I also promise to read my scriptures for 20 minutes when I get home.  Ok 25, 30, THIRTY MINUTES, and I'll participate in a service project, a good one, just pleeeeease let me make it to the bathroom.  Or home, can I make it home?  I don't feel like dragging all four kids into a public restroom for this.  Please let me make it home.  Although getting out of the kitchen aisle at Walmart would be a great start.  Please please PLEEEEASE."

I have never pooped my pants in public.  Prayer works people.

And don't even try to tell me that YOU have never prayed about pooping your pants. (I can't be alone in this, right?)

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Have I totally repulsed you yet?

Apparently that was my subconscious goal when I sat down to blog.  I just kept typing whatever my brain told me to.

And now you know I'm just a fat, smelly person who tries not to poop at Walmart.

Great.



p.s. For the record, I showered this morning and I'm drinking Diet Coke.

17 comments:

Heather said...

How to put this delicately.... Hmmm. My mom says I've had the trots my entire life. That, as a baby, my ability to poop through clothing and blankets and car seats was epic.

Luckily I've avoided that epicness as an adult. And I too should attribute that to prayer. ;)

mommabas said...

You are absolutely the most hilarious and REAL person I know! You say what we all think....just like it is!
You make life fun!
Get that eyeball better!
Love,
Husband's Mom

RhondaLue said...

I pray more for not peeing my pants when I sneeze in the canning aisle of wal-mart. Stupid female surgery didn't work too great if I still have to cross legs and focus on tightening whatever the heck will tighten in there to not let the pee escape. Yah, I've had 6 kids-can you tell?

Wonder Woman said...

I've prayed to not let anyone see my leakage in Walmart. Pregnancy and sneezing do not a happy combination make. Side note -- sat down today to give my OB my "sample," blew my nose and forgot about the sample. Then it was all gone. Had to tell the nurse Sorry. It was awkward.

Showers can very much be a waste of time. If I actually do my hair, I got 2-3 days between them. But it takes time to do the hair! So sometimes I just put in the curly spray stuff, diffuse for 3 mintues, and go. But when I do that, it looks DISGUSTING the next day and I'm forced to shower again. I really don't know which option is best.

Emily said...

I don't know that I've ever prayed about it, but I've had some pretty meaningful introspection about alfredo, etc., in the car on my way home.

P.S. I feel like I should know you, even though I don't. I'm Jessica's friend, and I was in a kick-A rock band with your husband in college.

Emmy said...

Love it!!! And completely agree with the shower thing.. but eventually the hair just gets too greasy and no matter how many times I flip my head upside down and brush it just doesn't do it.. so I cave.

And I have offered similar prayers myself. :)

The Boob Nazi said...

I HATE SHOWERS. That's all.

Kimberly said...

My scale loved me until I went out for dinner with my husband last night. It's really jealous and possessive like that.

I'm so with you on the showers. I wrote a blog post about it once though and there was this eerie you-can-hear-the-crickets-chirping silence afterwards.

I like to shower at night then wet my hair in the sink the next day. Doesn't seem QUITE as counter productive that way.

*MARY* said...

I murdered my scale years ago, and I always pray that other people won't poop in the aisles while I'm at Walmart, and I pray for the needy.

Claire said...

I go in to certain shops, and the WAVE of needing to go (yah - we're talking the number 2 variety) is overwhelming. AS i get closer to the door, the feeling subsides. But, if I try to go back in to the shop, it gets worse, to the point where prayers are being said as I try and get back to the front entrance again.

Shops therefore, I try to avoid - TK Maxx, Gap outlet and Stationery Box.

Life in the Highlands said...

The scale is mean. I broke up with the scale years ago. I've moved on.

But the shower--I'm still in love. It might be time consuming, but it makes me feel so much better. And that's really what we are all looking for in a good relationship.

mE said...

ROFL!

I about peed my pants here at my desk laughing so hard... My husband hollered down the stairs asking me if everything was a-ok down here... hehe!

Yes, Prayer works. No poopin'.

And showers suck..

But then, so does eating.

It takes just as much time... and it either sticks with you (dang scale) or haunts you at WMart.

~Inky Smiles
Erin

Rachel Sue said...

I'm fairly certain that I have never prayed for that, but I have prayed that no one heard me pass gas as I was walking down the aisle n the dollar store. . .

NOBODY said...

I found your blog by just clicking around and even though I hardly read blogs anymore, this post has me in hysterics. I love it. And it's like you've tapped right into my brain. Five years ago the poop prayer would have been lost on me. I've said it twice this week already. :)

Jessica Newby said...

Haha! That made me laugh alot. My brother is a dork.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Libby sent me and all I can say is BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Michelle said...

I heard you read this a CBC and I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants! Was actually crying! It struck me so funny because YES, I have uttered so many of these prayers throughout my life and YES prayer does work!

Thank goodness!