Feb 9, 2012

I am a talented weirdo who uses googlemaps.

Tonight I was doing my most obnoxious British accent while helping the kids get ready for bed. It was pretty excellent because I was really drawing out the syllables and putting in all sorts of annoying inflections. And, of course, I was doing it at the best possible pitch and decibel level to make the average adult male's ears bleed.

Husband LOVED it.

And then when we were saying family prayers all the kids insisted sitting on me, leaving poor old daddy sitting all by himself. So after we all said amen I had to let husband know that the kids love me more than him because of my amazing talents - and I said it in my obnoxious British accent.

It's moments like those that I hope our baby monitor is being picked up by one of the neighbors, who then realize how immensely hilarious I am, and tell all the other neighbors, who then decide to throw me a party, where they present me with one of those giant checks for 5 billion dollars.

But even without the cash, it's worth it just to bug the husband and teach my kids how to be huge weirdos.

Husband has been bugging me with all his conspiracy theories lately, so he really deserves all my obnoxious accents. Lately his big thing is that the government is spying on us. As in US, or mostly just him, in particular.

We have conversations that go like this:

Husband: I think the government is going to come after me.

Me: I doubt they're really all that concerned with some random guy who spouts politics on facebook.

Husband: Seriously though, they could be listening to our conversation RIGHT NOW.

Me: Well then, I hope they like hearing this burp. beeeeeelch.

Husband: Do you hear that helicopter?! What if it's for surveillance?

Me: If you turn into that guy in the movie A Beautiful Mind I'm totally sending you to psychiatric hospital, and then I'll collect all your Social Security checks and buy myself candy.

Husband: So you would lock me away and then accept government money for it?!!

Me: You betcha.

He also has this big thing against Google right now and gets mad every time I use it (so I use it a lot, being the natural button pusher that I am). Plus he keeps trying to use Bing, which is just rubbish - especially their maps.

So then our conversations go more like this:

Husband: Let me look up that address. What?! This can't be right.

Me: That's because you're on bing again, just googlemap it.

Husband: No, we can't support google - they're trying to take over the world. They spy on EVERYONE!

Me: And all that spying has guaranteed really accurate maps - thanks google!

I remember when google earth first came out. Husband thought it was the coolest thing ever. And he had to come home and show me it's utter awesomenicity. And then it did that wooshy zoomy thing, and I about barfed all over the computer.

That zoomy thing makes me motion sick every time I see it. Which is weird because I don't get motion sick. Plus I finally went and saw Breaking Dawn the other day, and I did t even have a seizure at the end of it. So really it doesn't make any sense at all. But if Husband ever realizes that google earth is the best punishment for obnoxious British accents, I'm in pretty big trouble.


Whimsy-ma-blog said...

hilarious! We have a similar dynamic around here with the conspiracies. And British accents are always good for a laugh.

And I totally snorted about the baby monitor thing because I think that ALL the time. We have new neighbors across the street with a baby the same age as my youngest and I'm convinced they are always listening to us (so I guess I do sort of agree with the conspriacy stuff...) Hopefully to hear how witty I am, but probably just to be appalled when I yell things like, "IF I HEAR ONE MORE FIGHT ABOUT TOYS I'M TAKING EVERY SINGLE TOY AWAY AND PLAYING WITH THEM ALL MYSELF WHILE YOU GUYS HAVE TO SIT AND WATCH!"

Barbaloot said...

First off, I LOVE when my neighborhood throws me 5 billion dollar check parties!! So fun.

Second, does husband read your blog? Cuz if so... get ready for google earth.

Rachel Sue said...

1. Bing still exists? Really?
2. I love google. I just love it. In every shape and form. And if they did take over the world, can you imagine how awesome that would be? :)

Wonder Woman said...


I heart you.

Paintasia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paintasia said...

This is actually pretty funny! LOL. This really made my day! :)

mommabas said...

Bing sucks.........really badly.