Feb 22, 2012

bow to my teeth

Tomorrow my teeth become royalty.  Because I'm getting two crowns and six cavities taken care of at the dentist.

Let me tell you how excited I am that I have reached the age of needing crowns.


Except that when we were dentist shopping I deliberately chose an office that provides sedation.  I could be completely knocked out if I feel like it.  Sadly, insurance won't cover wussy sedation needs, and you know how expensive anesthesiologists are.  (If you really don't know how expensive they are I kind of hate you a little bit.  We've had way too many surgeries in this house.)

The good news is that there's a second option at this dentist's office - LOOPY PILLS.  And it's actually affordable.  So basically, I take these pills an hour before my appointment and they make me completely incoherent and tired and spacey and LOOPY.  And then when they're doing all the nasty mean dental work I can just think about baby kangaroos and what it would taste like to lick the moon.

Let me tell you how excited I am to have loopy pills.


I know that I shouldn't admit to this, but it's not like I've kept it a secret anyway, I loooooooove it when I get to take loopy pills.  If I had no morals or ambition or brains or sense of self worth, I would probably be a druggy.  But I do actually have all those things and know that being a druggy is really not the way to go.  Plus, it just makes it all the more fun when I'm presented with opportunities to take pills of loopishness.

The very first time (that I remember) that I got to take a strong medication was when I was 19.  And I got e coli.  And, if you didn't know, e coli is super really horrible and painful and miserable.  Luckily it happened during the one month out of that summer that I was living at my mom's house, because at 3 in the morning I had to go to the ER.  And I remember feeling like complete trash piled on top of manure piled on top of rotten fish heads.  But then they put phenergan in my IV.  And I've actually come to hate that drug because sometimes it makes me psychotic, but back then it was like yeeeeeeha

I remember laying in the ER, and it was about 4:00 AM by then, and my mom was half asleep on the chair next to me.  And the second that phenergan kicked in I was yelling, "Mom!  MOM!!  Watch this!  MY ARMS ARE FLOATING!!!  hahahahahahahahahahaha, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Good times.

Until the drugs wore off and I went back to feeling like complete trash piled on top of manure piled on top of rotten fish heads.

So anyways, back to tomorrow when my teeth become crowned royalty, I'm thinking the only good part of the day will be temporarily fulfilling my dreams of being a druggy. And I really just hope that I don't come out of my loopocity until after the mouth deadening wears off or, better yet, friday morning.


LisAway said...

Maybe you can ask for some of your other cavities to be knighted.

I am sorry that you have had so many experiences that have made you a closet druggie. I don't remember ever having had anything in my system that made me feel weird. Caffeine does nothing for me. Nyquil and other cold medicines have never made me feel weird. I only feel weird when I'm on some labor inducing drug. I don't know what it's called (pitocin and oxytocin don't work for me either, by the way) but at the very end of my last labor they had to give me two doses of some horrible evil stuff that made me boiling hot and terribly anxious and woozy and awful. Not exactly the kind of experience you're talking about, I assume, since I never, ever want to experience that again.

elesa said...

yeah, I've got a cavity between 2 of my front teeth, of all the weird places and I'm gonna have to get it fixed and while it is great that my dentist has a TV on the ceiling, I really wish I could just be put to sleep because I hate the whole thing. I'm jealous. Maybe I need to check into the Loopy Pills myself. Is that their actual name? Or will my dentist think I'm dumb if I walk in there asking him for "loopy pills"?

Melanie Jacobson said...

I've had to a get a few root canals and crowns and I'm a terrible dental patient. My dentist MADE me take Valium before coming in. My MIL still likes to tell the story of how she came to watch the kids for me during one of my appts and how I floated off in my happy Valium cloud, giggling about some silly birds on BBC Planet Earth.