(Sorry, I couldn't finish that paragraph because I was too busy cringing.)
GAH, how did that happen?!!
So I've officially realized that life just gets worse from here. You know all those tv shows and movies and stuff who show women living glamorous lives and being all hip and awesome well into their 50's? IT'S ALL LIES.
You know, I totally squandered my youth. I took it all for granted. Like in high school when I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm SO FAT, ugh, and look at my nose!" (read that in "valley-girl" teenage style for maximum effect.)
SOMEONE GET ME A TIME MACHINE NOW. I have a previous self that I need to go punch and call stupid. And then maybe I'll mention how my boobs drag on the floor like caveman knuckles if I don't wear a granny bra. So then maybe I'll actually enjoy being young (and skinny, and big-nosed, with perky ladies).
So yeah, if anyone wants to send me anything for my birthday I'm taking donations in the form of black roses, adult diapers and cash. (I don't care how old I am, I will always except cash.)
Or you can just do me a huge favor and go read the latest issue of The Barrel:
There's some cool stuff in there this month. But mostly it's just proof that I'm not above putting my own child on the cover of a magazine.
Happy birthday to me......I need to go find some comfort food.