Jan 21, 2011

knock, knock - it's your friendly neighborhood door-to-door salesman!

The other evening we had a Kirby vacuum salesman knock on our door.  He offered to shampoo an entire room of carpet for FREE.  So, of course, I let him in.  RIGHT AWAY.  (Have you seen my carpet lately? ick.)

But Husband got all worried.  He started making rogue phonecalls to  the neighbors and put his baseball bat in the hall closet.  You know, just in case the Kirby vacuum salesman turned out to be a raging psychotic killer or something.

And you thought I was the paranoid one.

After he decided that the guy was a real salesman and not a raging murderer, Husband started feeling bad about having him clean our carpet when we knew we'd never buy the vacuum.  But I'll give it to the sales guy - he was persistent.  We had to say no about 50 times during the course of that cleaning.  Even when he discounted the $3,000 vacuum down to $1,000 with no payments until April, we still said no.

Husband kept saying, "I feel guilty making you clean - we're really not going to buy anything."

And I kept jabbing him in the ribs and muttering under my breath, "Shhhhh, maybe if we keep him talking he'll do the hall too."

He didn't do the hall. 

We didn't get the vacuum. 

But hey, now I don't even have to rent a rug dr from Albertsons.  And I feel only half as grossed out making my kids crawl around on our not-as-grungy-as-it-used-to-be living room carpet.

Speaking of salesmen...

Once this one guy tried to sell me some all purpose cleaner.  He was making the point that it was non-toxic, with an opening of "Watch this!" and then he pulled out the tube that goes inside the spray bottle and licked it.  (A big slobbery lick.)

It wasn't the best first impression.

I thought he was a little nuts.

And also it was gross.

But it got grosser.  Because then he smeared his forehead sweat all over our window and showed me how he could clean it off.

And then when I wouldn't buy it, he tried to pull the "I think I'm attractive so I can surely woo you into buying it by feeding you cheesy lines" routine.

Yeah.  I'm a married, 30 year old, overweight mother of 4.  Cheesy lines?  Right, that'll totally work.

So finally I told him he had to get off our doorstep because I had to get ready to go out that night.

And he said, "Oh cool- to a club or something?"

And I said, "My cousin and I are going to go see the new Harry Potter IN 3D!!"

I think that must have been some kind of magic phrase.  Because he was no longer licking anything, feeding me cheesy lines or wiping sweat on my house.  He just left.  Thank goodness.

Nerdiness saved the day.  Again.

I'm thinking of getting a "No Soliciting" sign for our front door.  Except it would need to have an additional clause, so it would look more like this:

(unless you're cleaning carpets - because I have a hall that needs done)
(and please don't lick anything while you're here)


Rachel Sue said...

The first couple of months that we lived here we had more door to door salesman than I have ever seen in my entire life. So I put up a no soliciting sign. THe problem is, it only cut down the number, it didn't stop them completely.

And I have never had anyone lick anything while they were here. ugh.

Kristina P. said...

I had no idea these guys still existed!!

T said...

I think the cleaner-licker was here too... nasty.

and (in all honesty) I almost called the cops on the last Kirby guy... would. not. LEAVE my house... ManOfTheHouse was saying "no" - I was saying "no", and finally he left when I threatened to file a sexual harassment claim with his company (after some extremely poor choice of words in his sales pitch)

Barbaloot said...

You probly should put "and Girl Scouts" in your clause as well.

Wonder Woman said...

We had these same salesmen in our last house. We let the guy clean our entire L-shaped living room. They worked on all kinds of payment plans with us, but we refused to have a "vacuum payment." Seemed a bit ridiculous. Our carpet did look MUCH better, though!

Melanie Jacobson said...

I think the no licking thing is a pretty good rule to live by. With strangers, anyway. I doubt my kids will go for it.

That Girl said...

You might be able to sell that-there sign ...

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Destiny said...

We had a kirby guy come to our house. I thought we'd never get him to leave. The best part though was when my daughter threw up all over our freshly cleaned carpet the very next morning.

Jessica Newby said...

Bahahaha! My husband is that guy. Slightly embarrassing. :)