Jan 26, 2010

are you afraid?

So I have this stupidly irrational fear of the dark. 

Every morning I open my bedroom curtains and blinds, and then shut my door and promptly forget about spending any time in my room because there is too much insanity to control elsewhere in this house.

But then I don't remember to close the blinds and curtains in there until after it gets dark.  Sometimes it's only semi-dark.  But mostly, just dark. 

And every day I'm thoroughly convinced that just as I'm reaching up to pull the blinds that some deranged psycho-stalker and/or mutant claw-beast is going to spring up in front of my window on the outside.


I realize that it is the most idiotic fear on the planet.  Except that one of these days there really could be a deranged psycho-stalker and/or mutant claw-beast outside of my window just as I close the blinds and then I'm going to be blogging to all of you with a big "I told you so!"

I also have this other fear - but it's kind of like a one-time only thing. 

I'm having my first eye surgery on Feb. 1st.  (Reminder for new readers: I have glaucoma and am going blind.)  And while I'm afraid of the surgery not going as planned or having a poor recovery, like a normal person would, what I'm really afraid of is something they told me at my pre-op last week.

I won't be completely unconscious for this surgery.  I'll be in a "floating consciousness" instead.  So I asked what that was.  Apparently I'll technically be awake, but "most people don't remember anything" afterwards.

So here are the fears:

1. What if I'm not "floating" enough?  What if I'm just totally conscious?  My sister just opted to have her second eye surgery completely awake (for pregnancy reasons.)  Just thinking about her getting it done gives me the ultra freak-outs, I doubt I can handle it if I'm aware of what's going on during my surgery.

2. What if I talk during the surgery?  I hear all the time about how even the most shy people go off talking about all sorts of weirdness while sedated.  As far as I know I'm not a sedated talker, but who knows?  I don't know if I've ever "floated" before.  And to be honest, I have some highly secretive things that I've thought about this dr - what if they come out?

They aren't like love fantasies or anything.  Because, ewww.  And also phew, because that would be embarrassing.

But he used to have this really ugly mustache.  It was really a porn stache.  And I referred to it as a porn stache, sometimes only in my mind.  But still.  What if I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

Or horribly horribly worse, I think that this Dr has Aspergers.  Not because I'm all about diagnosing everyone around me with serious social disorders.  I realize the severity of Aspergers.  I just really think he has it.  Of course this makes him a good and bad dr.  I never know what I'm going to get when I see him - he can be a humongous jerk sometimes, and then sometimes not so bad....just really technical.  And the man is a genius about all things glaucoma, therefore an excellent dr to have perform a surgery.  But the fact that he can never refer to it as just glaucoma, but has to say, "Juvenile Early Onset Primary Open Angle Glaucoma" each time he mentions my eyes, as he stares at the wall behind me just seems to suggest Aspergers.  And I really don't want to start talking about that during my "floating" state while he has my eyeball in his hand.

(Ok, he won't be removing my eyeball, but that sounded most dramatic. So yeah.)

But I'm really worried. I have a hard enough time keeping my foot out of my mouth while completely conscious.

So here's to hoping that I won't be a "floating" talker or get attacked by mutant claw-beasts.


Rachel Sue said...

I don't think it's one little bit irrational. Because I'm terrified of having surgery and then the anesthetic doesn't work all the way.

But I'm sure you'll be fine. ;)

wonder woman said...

I think you should have a recorder in there. To record all the funny and inappropriate things you say. Then post it on your blog and get a million hits and go on Oprah.

Emmy said...

Good luck with your surgery! I hope it all goes well, and I will say a prayer that you are a silent floater :)

That Girl said...

I run up the steps from the basement. Every time.

And dude, say what you WANT, baby. It's the only time you can. And truly - will you ever see him again? I ask you.

Heather said...

HAHA! I agree with Wonderwoman.

Also, don't worry about it. I have a couple friends who have been under that type of anesthesia and their spouses reported on their random ramblings. They were all boring. Like, "oh wow, I am conscious of this.... your hand is like right there.... this is so weird... I can't feel that... but I can... this is so weird"

I imagine you'll talk about being afraid to say embarrassing things and maybe reference your blog and the serial killer outside your window.

On that note, I'm always convinced there is a serial killer lurking in the shadows or in my coat closet or in the dark next to the pasture where I have to turn out a horse. Maybe it's genetic.

RhondaLue said...

I have a few thoughts about this:

#1. I'm glad you gave more details about the secretive thoughts you've had about this dr. Had you not, I would have been SURE it really was lusty thoughts.

#2. I'm laughing about your diagnosing him as Aspergers because seriously I had a Dr I wanted to diagnose with a social anxiety condition. He wouldn't SPEAK to me. He was a dermatologist and I was asking about a spot on my arm and he looked at it, shook his head, and then his nurse proceded to elaborate. It was like that the whole entire appt. It was awkward.

#3 or whatever number I'm on now....your fears are perfectly rational. I once had a "female" surgery that required me to be in stirrups for 8ish hours. I was totally knocked out but You think I didn't wonder if perhaps I'd pass gass during that time...er somethin'? Yah I think I just don't really wanna know. It's better this way.

#4. when my teen son broke his arm he was drugged up for the 'setting' of it. Conscious sedation is what it was. He felt the pain, and my heart was breaking, but he doesnt' remember a smidge of it! So this brings the question: does it matter that you FELT the pain if you don't recall it? Hmmm. I dunno but it traumatized ME.