Jul 28, 2009

my time for oggling

I'm going on a dream vacation to Italy. We leave thursday. And by we, I mean: myself, my pregnant sister and my mom. Because I decided that it would be awesome to go somewhere foreign and be oggled by suave Italian men while eating gelato in an outdoor cafe surrounded by some ancient naked statues (except we'd probably feel more comfortable sitting by the statues that have little fig leaves covering their crotches.)

On this dream vacation we will all be effortlessly hot. And also speak Italian. Fluently. Because that's part of the deal.

And it's all happening thursday.

Because I said so.

And that should be enough to make our dream Italian vacation a reality.

Have I ever told you that I'm writing a book? (A dumb one.) Some days I sit down and write a whole stinking chapter thinking I'm the funniest person alive. And then I sit back down the next day to reread my funniness and instead of patting myself on the back I just end up smacking myself in the forehead because it is all so incredibly stupid.

I'll let you know when my book hits the shelves...........here's a hint: NEVER.

I've been reading a lot of novels lately. Because I figure if I can't write my own, there's no reason I can't completely ignore my children and shut myself up in a book. And I have a little secret that you can't tell my husband: I bought "Miss Delacourt Speaks her Mind" online, and it arrived today!!!!

I'm excited because Husband has been saying for months that I can't have the book because, "Why buy books when you can get them at the library?" Yeah, well our library stinks, and they don't even have a copy of that book in circulation within 150 miles of here. Stupid library.

Once, a few weeks ago, I had talked him into letting me go to Barnes & Noble to get it. Actually it went more like this, "I'm leaving, and I am not coming back without a book. GOOD BYE!!" And then there was door slamming and loud hard rock played in the car the entire way to the store. (One of those days.)

Except that they didn't have it at the store, but I didn't want to go home empty handed and I ended up having to get a clearance Stephen King book, which was, by all accounts, a complete waste of money.

So then a few days ago someone inserted some money into my Swiss bank account. (The one that Husband has no control over.) It's always good to be linked to the mafia when they deposit $30 into my account every six months - it makes blowing up that national monument so worth it.

Yeah, I'm not really linked to the mafia, and I wouldn't even know HOW to blow up a monument if I had been commanded to do it (I'm sure you didn't figure this out on your own.) However, I do have an account that Husband doesn't control - even if it's not in Switzerland. It's just that usually this account is totally empty, so the $30 was mostly a miracle, and I ordered the book.

When I'm done reading it, I'm totally posting my review. And it will be good - I just know it. Because sometimes the author, Heidi Ashworth, reads my blog, which makes me feel like a celebrity, therefore the book must be amazing.


Alison Wonderland said...

The book is good. It's really funny and good and I totally recommend it because she sometimes comes to my blog too so I'm also famous.

Oh and your mistake is going back and reading. You're not supposed to do that. Just write what you write and the next day you write the next part. Sometimes you'll be sure that you're brilliant and sometimes you'll be convinced that you're a no talent idiot but if you just write everyday anyway then sooner or later you'll finish.

Good luck with Italy, can I come?

Emmy said...

Can I come with you on your vacation to? I will be your personal photographer and take pictures of you by all the beautiful Italian men :)

Heather said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that wants to be an author yet doesn't feel they have the ability. I feel less alone now. Except I find your blog insightful and funny. So you probably do possess the ability. Back to being all alone now.


wonder woman said...

1. You are beyond funny. As funny as Sue. Seriously. I've thought that when reading your blog.

2. I want to read Ms. Delacourt very badly. I've heard it's fabulous. I look forward to your review!

Alisa said...

I have my own account too but my husband is the one who puts the money into it. Really it couldn't work out better. He works hard for the money then he just gives it to me. I was going to say no questions asked but he tends to get nosy if I spend it too quickly like one trip to Borders. Oh well, at least it's mine. Our library has MIss Delacourt so I'll have to check it out since everyone seems to like it.