So I've been thinking. It's time for me to stop being so fat and ugly. But every time I look in the mirror and tell myself to knock it off, nothing happens. I don't get it. It's like my body is just waiting for me to exercise or put on makeup or something. (Like that's ever going to happen.)
I did something really embarrassing the other day. Again. Sometimes it seems like my like if just one humiliating moment after another. Husband and I went to see a movie. At the cheap theater. Because that's where we always go. And afterwards I had to my make obligatory "I drank a whole diet coke during that movie" potty stop.
The bathrooms at the cheap theater were designed solely to make my eyes wig out. They're completely covered in alternating black and white tiles. So pretty much when I walk into the room my eyes and my brain start arguing, and I'm left feeling disoriented and a little blind-ish.
So, the other night, when I rushed into the bathroom for that obligatory pee, I was super extra confused when I saw a dude walk in after me. But I was also in the middle of my disoriented blind-person stupid black and white tile stupor, so I had to kind of freeze and close one eye for a couple seconds so my brain could process what was going on. And then another dude came walking around the corner from INSIDE the bathroom. And that's when I realized I was the idiot that went in the wrong restroom.
I pretty much sprinted out the door and into the ladies room, but the theater was really crowded that night, and you know how popular bathrooms are in between shows, so my excruciatingly embarrassing moment was witnessed by many MANY people. So I had to hide in a stall for a little while, hoping that everyone who had seen me be an idiot were already gone.
By the time I slowly emerged from my stall, Husband said, "what took so long? I was about to send search dogs after you". And then I told him what I did. And then he shook his head in that "yeah, that totally sound like something you would do" way.
It really is time to stop being so fat, ugly, and amazingly dimwitted. Why, oh why, won't my reflection just listen when I command it to morph me into something more attractively intelligent? WHY?