because I really can't get enough of myself

I have phenomenally weird dreams. Last night I was Betty Suarez again.  But this time Betty/I was in high school.  And I/we were also some kind of Buffy-esque type super hero.  Except way dorkier.  We were the absolute nerdiest nerd that could also kick bad-guy butt.  And also we owned a metal detector that helped us in our escapades (because all super hero dweebs need metal detectors). Except, since my dreams are pretty much stupid, I had to just replay the same scene over and over instead of have an actual dream that, you know, played out into different scenes.  So really there was just one bad guy.  And I only saw him for like .3 seconds each time the scene would start over.  But this bad guy had a really huge snake, which was who I really had to fight. The snake was like a cross between the Harry Potter basilisk and a big slimy salamander.  So I had to worry about him eating me AND dripping his nasty slime all over the place. I...

I got a funny email today.  It went like this: Hello My Dearest, With deep sorrow and tears in my Eye, I know that this mail might come to you as a surprise because we have not met each other or see face to face before. I am Miss.Regina El-Moiz Abunura, 23 years old an orphan, originated from South Sudan, East Africa, Female, tall, slim, and fair a very good looking girl that loves to be loved.  TRANSLATION: Yo there, You don't know me, but I'm attractive. Oh and there's something in my eye. My father of blessed memory by name late Mr.El-Moiz Abunura who was the President and Chief Executive Officer in Sudan Petroleum Company, SUDAPET at the Block 9/10, Resident 22/1 Africa Street P.O. Box 13188 Al Khartoum 11111 Sudan, The brutal killing of my mother and my father, one kid sister and kid  brother took place one early morning by the rebels as a result of the civil war that is going on until now in my country Sudan.  TRANSLATION: Ok, so I had this dad, a...

I have a headache in my eyeball...and also, you know, in my head.  I hate these kinds of headaches because I don't know if they are just ye typical precursor to migraines or  horrible spike in glaucoma pressure pains.  Either way - my eyeball hurts.  And so does my head. ************************************ The neighbors on the corner are building some kind of trailer on the side of the street.  Except we're not really sure exactly what it is because it has walls and a door and windows.  And wheels - but just two. First they built the walls out of metal rail thingies, and then attached wooden studs to them.  Basically this thing looks like a big cage.  Which is exactly what I'm telling my kids it is. Every time we see it, I say, "Hey look Opie, they're working on your cage!  Are you ready to move in?  I think they're almost done."  But none of my kids believe me when I say they're going to have to live in it.  So ...

It's 2:30 AM, and I'm fairly certain there will be no sleeping for me tonight. Not for any of the usual reasons, like I'm working, or have a puking kid, or locked in the steamy embrace of my Swedish lover, Sven. OH NO, none of those are why I won't be sleeping. Not just because I don't actually have a Swedish lover named Sven, but because I am absolutely, truly, insanely TERRIFIED. There I was, in bed, lolling off to sleep, like regular people are known to do at 2:00 in the AM, when, without warning, the stereo in the living room TURNED ITSELF ON. It turned on. All by itself. And not just a little bit. OH NO, it came on in the most blazingly obvious of possible ways by playing the radio at an irregularly loud volume. At 2:00 AM. While I'm home without a husband. Who, by the way, is totally useless to me over the phone when he should be HERE to calm down my uber-freak-out. (Plus, I had to call him 4 times before he picked up the phone, which was ...

So, I'm a total dweeb.  (Of course you probably already knew that.) Have I ever mentioned how much Netflix and I hang out?  I mean, I'm a major fan of Hulu, but it's Netflix that will forever have my heart.  I LOVE YOU NETFLIX, you're always there when I need you. I also really love Sci-fi shows.  Because, yeah, that whole being a dweeb thing.  And it very recently came to my attention that season 5 of Doctor Who is now available online through Netflix. I have been waiting for this. (You really must know the depths of my dorkiness - I had to watch a special on Daleks to deal with my Doctor Who withdrawals.  And speaking of Daleks - what a lame opponent.  I know they're supposed to be The Doctor's greatest nemesis, but they're SO OBNOXIOUS.  I get that they want to keep uniformity through the 50 billion seasons of the show, but honestly, can't we just kill them off and be done with?!) So, at the end of season 4, The Doctor was dying and...

This is my 301st post! Par-tay. You're all invited to the party.  Feel free to COME and leave me brilliantly witty comments.  I'll bring snacks - do virtual M&Ms count?  What if they are virtual M&Ms that have MY FACE on them? (Of course these virtual snacks will have to also have to be imaginary, seeing as I'm not actually going to bringing anything to my non-actual party.) But I still expect brilliantly witty comments. And possibly 6,000 more loyal blog followers. Is that really too much to ask for?!  Absolutely not. Also, did you notice how my last two posts were sponsored?  This blog is officially MONETIZED .   The stupid banner ads I've had on here for years?  Yeah, they totally don't count.  Banner ads never count.  Banner ads are LAME-o. Sponsored posts?  THE. WAY. TO. GO.   Seriously.  So, you wanna know how I did it?  With this: Broadcast Bloggers JUST OPENED.  Well, ok, their ...

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this yet (more than 7 times) but I really don’t want to move.   Today’s excuse is: I keep looking around thinking, “Man, someone needs to pack all this crap, and I certainly don’t want to be the one to do it.”   Tomorrow’s excuse will probably be more along the lines of: But it took me FIVE YEARS to figure out how to drive around here without getting lost, and you expect me to start all over in a new city? Therefore, I’ve spent a great deal of time considering all options I can pull to get us to stay, and what it really boils down to is THE JOB.   Because unless I wake up a millionaire tomorrow (and the prospects are not looking good), I’m stuck living off the money Husband makes.   And currently said husband is making said money IN UTAH. But what if I find him a new job ?   A BETTER job?   A stupendously wonderful amazing job?   That also happens to be right here in this very city that I can finally drive around i...

You know the show “What Not to Wear”?  Is it still on tv?  We haven’t had cable for a millennia, so I’m really sure.  What I am sure of is that it’s one of the scariest shows of all time .  Those people break into your closet and STEAL ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES.  It’s like televised robbery.  And the scariest part - my family has been threatening to make me go on the show for years. Pretty much,  I dress like a derelict buffoon that only has one color-blind eye and probably two different lengths of arms.  Or, in other words, I’m sitting here in overly-holey jeans and a sweatshirt that has Tweety Bird on it.  (If it helps my case at all, I refuse to wear this shirt in public…unless it’s just the school……or the grocery store around the corner….or sometimes I don’t even care and wear it where ever I want.) But lately, what with the move coming up and more social opportunities on the horizon, I keep thinking about getting myself a better wardrobe ....

As per Veronica's suggestion, I'm submitting a Mother's Day card to Hallmark. See. I already have the outside designed: But I'm debating on the wording for inside the card though.  So I need your input. I was thinking this: Here's to wishing Mother's Day would be dragged into the street, beaten by 1,000 thugs with brass knuckles, then let loose with a couple dozen ninjas with nun chucks, before being doused in gasoline and set on fire.  Have a HAPPY day! or this: Is it wishful thinking that you can make it another year without selling your kids to traveling gypsies or the highest bidder on ebay?  We'll be keeping our fingers crossed. or this: As your adoring children, we wish we had never had driven you to insanity, but we really hope you like your new padded cell.  LOVE YOU MOM! So yeah.  What do you think?   Maybe Hallmark will print all three.

I have this talent, it's a gift really, that I very much enjoy sharing with the general public. It's kind of one of those talents that can't not be shared with others. I have the amazing ability to open my mouth really wide and insert my foot all the way up to my ankle.  You know, metaphorically speaking, because it's not like my mouth is actually big enough to swallow my whole foot. I went on a field trip to the zoo with Monkey's preschool class the other day. And I was hanging out with one of the other moms while we were there. I had never met this other mom before, but we were getting along pretty well.  Like, if I were to grade myself on social skills just then, I would have given myself a solid B+ (which is about as good as it gets for me). That is, until we passed the goat feeding pen.  'Cuz that's when my amazing talent started kicking in. I turned to new mom-friend and I said, "Let's avoid the goats, they totally freak me out....