Aug 5, 2011

if you like to hear about my offspring

Let's talk about my kids for a minute.  Because they kind of rule my entire life.

The past couple weeks I attempted to potty train both of my younger kids.  Monkey is 4 1/2 and Number Four is 3, so I was like, "It's about time, yeah?" (I was going to potty train in the spring, but then we found out we were moving, and blah blah blah, at least I got around to it.)

Except that Number Four refuses to pee in the toilet.  She'll sit there.  She'll get her potty candy after that.  And then she'll hop off and pee in her pull-up.  And I have this strict "I will not potty train a child who is not ready" policy (this policy kicked in after it took me over 3 painful and smelly years to potty train Opie).  So she's back in diapers.

Monkey though - he's like a potty training pro.  Sort of.  He tries really hard.

He really tries not to poop more than halfway in his pull-up.

He really tries not to smear poop on more than 3 body parts and 7 bathroom surfaces when he pulls down his half-way poop filled pull-up.

He really tries to remember to call me in to wipe his bum before he gets off the toilet and runs through the house smeared in feces.

Lots of trying.

It's getting marginally better, but man can that kid produce poop - it's almost like his only goal in life is to manufacture poo.  And then smear it places.

But there is a small glimmering light at the end of this poopy-filled tunnel: I will only have ONE KID in diapers!


Did you know that hasn't happened to me for almost 7 years?

It's pretty amazing.  And who knows, maybe one of these days Number Four will actually decide that peeing in the toilet is the bees knees and we can get rid of diapers altogether.  I don't even remember what it was like before changing diapers.  But I imagine that it's filled with sparkles and lollipops.

And while we're talking about my kids, I have to share -for posterity's sake- some of the cute things they say.  (Yeah, if you're not grandma, you can probably stop reading.  But it is pretty cute, so you know, you might want to stick around.)

Our potty candy is M&M's (what else is there?) but Monkey calls them "Nummy Nums".

When I'm putting in my contact lenses all the kids are like, "Oh, you're putting in your eyetax."

Monkey calls Opie, "Kaybub".  (This will probably make his real name obvious, but whatever.)

Opie can't say "regular" he says "yegural".

Opie also refers to any instructions or directions as, "the destructions".

Opie is also saving his money to buy a toy "life savior" or as the rest of the world calls it, a "light saber".

Also, Opie calls the piano a "pinano".

Monkey and Number Four refer to bananas as "bammas".

And the very the best of all, when Two Bits was 4, her articulation was really horrible and she substituted a lot of sounds with the letter G.  But she talked a lot anyway and she liked to sing.  Her favorite song was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or as she sang it, "Tinko Tinko Wito Guy".

See?  Adorable.


Just Another Girl said...

Holy crap? 4 years old? Oh my goodness I hope my daughter gets it before then. Very cute stuff at the end though.

Jen said...

I LOVE the pic at the end. Darling.

I am sorry for your potty training woes. I have heard some kids become more willing when you tell them they can't go to school until they are trained. My son kept begging to go to preschool all year, and finally toward the end I told him only potty trained kids could go, and that was the first time he said, "I want to potty train." Good luck! I am down to one in diapers, too, and it is awesome! said...

Lol. I empathize- Can't wait for my youngest to potty train. I like to tell people if I ever write a memoir it will b entitled "Pee, Poop, and Puke, a journey through the toddler years." It's amazing what we do as parents, that we seriously would have never imagined doing as single human beings.

LisAway said...

Did I mention you're my hero? Well, you are. Changing the diapers of a 4 year old can only be done by super-humans, I'm quite sure.

And your kids might not smell that sweet but they sure SOUND it!

elesa said...

oh, Poop smearing is the worst thing i have ever gone through. I really didn't think I would survive it. Now that I finally got the first kid potty trained, I'm thinking I might not ever do the 2nd kid. What is so great about always having to rush your little kid to the bathroom at the drop of a hat? I figure I'll just leave him in diapers and it will just clear up on its own before he leaves for college. I'm going to make it HIS problem, not mine. Yeah. It is going to work.