because I really can't get enough of myself

I went shopping yesterday, and found that our Osh Kosh outlet was having sales ranging from 40-70% off. Their jeans were $10. TEN DOLLARS. I bought a green shirt for Two Bits at Walmart the day before St. Patricks and paid $7. Seven dollars for a shirt that will shrink, roll at the bottom, and look 52 years old after the first washing. It really goes without saying that outlet stores are sent from heaven (and also that if you spend $100 while there your husband should really not get mad because the sales were so worth it.) I have a spot on my stomach that has no feeling. It used to constantly be on my mind. Sometimes I still think about it and poke at it with my finger just to make sure I still can't feel anything. I still can't, in case you were wondering. I guess that's what repeated c-sections will do to you. I have egg breath. I am an excellent mother ALL OF THE TIME. For every second of every day, in fact. If you don't believe me, here's an example o...

...and my two year old screams like a banshee in a blender. Do I even need to mention that I also have a headache? Or is that purely assumed? I was just making fruit tray for a ward baby shower tonight, cutting up bananas, but only partially able to see (because, you know, twitching eyelid.) Opie runs to my side and demands, "Give me a banana!!" (We're huge on manners here, clearly my kids are picking up on that.) I tell Opie that he can't have a banana because I am taking them with me to the party, which causes him to instantly collapse to the floor in a fitful rage. "I don't want you to go!!! Don't leave!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" he says. More screaming and raging ensue. "You can't go!!!!" he says. Screaming, crying, kicking of feet. And then he yells, "You can't go and take my bananas!!!!" It's a good feeling to know that your most desirable parenting ability is to hand out bananas. I'm sure there wouldn...

This is my 100th post. In celebration, I have put together a very cheerful and thought provoking list of... 100 TRULY HORRIFYING THINGS: 1. laundry. 2. having no chocolate anywhere in your house (not even a stray M&M in between the couch cushions) 3. sleeping on your arm wrong 4. short toddler naps 5. when kids grow out of taking naps 6. not getting your own nap 7. the stomach flu 8. the common cold 9. gout 10. cold toast 11. realizing there isn't a single unused diaper in your whole house just as your baby is having a poopy blowout 12. holey socks 13. wearing a dress 14. braces 15. the last wetwipe 16. shades of red that were supposed to go together but clearly clash 17. dead fish 18. soap scum 19. realizing you have no eggs half-way through a recipe 20. finishing a really good book to realize you've neglected everything other than the book for 2 days 21. and then realizing how non-glamorous and un-book-like your life is 22. while you're scrubbing toilets 23. finding a...

So have you seen those memes about googling the word "unfortunately" coupled with your name? I'm thinking this has been going on awhile, because when I googled mine a whole bunch of other bloggers named Melissa came up. So I decided to google "LUCKILY MELISSA" instead. (It was a totally creative switcheroo, I tell you.) Luckily, Melissa is single-handedly changing that perception. (Which is really my calling in life, right? Don't ask "what perception?" it's totally irrelevant.) Luckily Melissa had a vibrant blue Sharpie for me to sign with. (I would be nothing without a vibrant blue sharpie.) Luckily, Melissa ducked and narrowly saved her life. (Phew, I know!!) Luckily, Melissa was having a “good boob day.” (So that's not news- it happens EVERY day. Oh wait, it says 'good' boobs, not 'saggy' boobs. Nevermind.) Luckily Melissa had handled all the logistics. (Not such a good idea, in fact, that's truly terrify...

Wonder Woman gave this to me - isn't it awesome?! I googled "Premios Dardos" (because that's what the award is) and found this description: La I Entrega de Premios Dardo 2008 se abre paso entre un gran elenco de Premios de reconocido prestigio en el mundo de la literatura, y con el reconoce los valores que cada blogger muestra cada día en su empeño por transmitir valores culturales, éticos, literarios, personal, etc.., que en suma, demuestra su creatividad a través su pensamiento vivo que está y permanece, innato entre sus letras, entre sus palabras rotas”. So there you go - are we all clear on this? Good. So here's the rules (thankfully in English): STEP 1: Respond and rework. Answer the following questions on my blog, replacing one question that I dislike with a question of my own invention. STEP 2: Add one more question of my own. STEP 3: Tag eight other bloggers. 1) What is your favorite day of the week? They all kind of blend together.... 2) What is your ...