Apr 10, 2013

birds are the most annoying creatures on this planet

Once upon a time some birds moved into our ceiling.

"Your ceiling?" You say, "Surely you mean something else?"

To which I reply, "No, I mean ceiling.  And don't call me Shirley."

The birds have made a hole is the house just above my bedroom window which allows them easy access into the ceiling.  At first different birds tried to lay claim to the new nesting territory and chaos ensued.  One time Two Bits compared the noise to a squirrel and a bird killing each other, so I had to calm her nerves by stating that squirrels aren't stupid enough to challenge a pointy-beaked, crazed feather duster over something as gross as our crappy duplex.

Things were just getting ridiculous.  The bird world rumbles that were occurring above our heads were enough to make the Sharks and the Jets dismiss any feelings of prettiness from Maria.  In the end, however, the finer sex overthrew all conflict and now we're hosting a birdy love shack.

I don't know if this particular species of bird only have one mate per season, but what I can tell you is that they are obnoxiously loud when thoughts of little baby birds are on their minds.  And it's practically ALL they have on their minds these days.

The last thing we need is a nest of baby birds in the ceiling.  A couple years ago we made the mistake of letting birds get into our grill, and I can't even convey the noisiness of those stupid birdlings.  Not to mention the territory issues that made it impossible to go in our backyard.  And not only that, but did you know that some birds will still live with their parents even after they're fully grown?

It is true, I tell you.

Because when I finally worked up the courage to open the lid of our grill, effectively exposing the nest, about five adult size birds came flying out at my head, and I had no choice but to run into the house screaming and ducking.  And then I had to hose bird poo off our grill for the next 3 hours and eventually just lit it on fire.

So we keep trying to get rid of the ceiling birds.  Every time I hear them getting it on I pound on the walls, or pick up this big roll of paper I have next to my desk and smack it against the ceiling.  This used to scare the them off, but now they're just like, "whatevs, stupid human".

A couple weeks ago Husband put vinegar into my huge super soaker water gun and sprayed the bird hole with it (the hole is pretty high on the house, so we needed to pull out the big guns, so to speak.).  It seemed to work for awhile.  But then I guess it stopped smelling or the birds just got used to the stench.

And now we don't know what to do.

Our landlord isn't very "hands-on" so I'm pretty sure telling her about it will not solve the problem.

Husband keeps suggesting we buy a BB gun and shoot any and all birds within a 2 block radius of our house.  But that seems a tad excessive.

So tell me, my awesome gentle readers, how does one annhiolate all birds in existence?  Or at least the ones nesting in my bedroom ceiling?


*MARY* said...

Have your husband flirt with the female. Then the male will feel all threatened and pack up and move somewhere else.

Oh wait did you say BIRD? I thought you said BEAR.
Well, in that case, I have no idea.

Barbaloot said...

I'm with your husband on the bb gun aspect. It's possible that my dad and brothers have used the method to get rid of magpies in the past...