because I really can't get enough of myself

I always have to pee right before I go to sleep.  Sure, I go just before going to bed.  But then I just lay there, for hours, NOT SLEEPING. Insomnia is awesome like that. I can be completely dead tired, but I still just lay in bed, in the dark, with my brain in squirrel mode.  NOT SLEEPING. And then finally, FINALLY, my brain will be like, "ooh, sleep, yeah...." But then guess who wakes up? My big fat jerk bladder. Because suddenly it's like, "Whoa, remember that swallow and a half of water you had at 10:00?  Hey, let's go to the bathroom!"  And it's not like you want to ignore that knd of urge all night. So then I stumble the five steps into the bathroom, which jiggles my brain awake a little. And then I remember that I like to think about ghosts whenever I walk near the stairs at night, which scares my brain awake more. And then I have to turn on the light to make sure there are no giant spiders lying in wait for me behind the toilet, w...

I just wrote this in an email, but because I think I am hilarious beyond reason I thought I'd post it here too: I have been suffering from a serious medical condition the past few weeks.  The medical term for this condition is Lazeeassitis with severe Motivational Deficiency.  I've been looking for treatments everywhere - the movie theater, McDonalds, at the bottom of a Doritos bag, in the game Candy Crush, and I've even been reading a series of paranormal teen fiction, but I just can't seem to find anything that will cure me.  I've been thinking about seeing a specialist about it, but no one makes home visits these days so that's out.  Perhaps it's terminal and I'll just have to lay around sipping cherry coke while watching Netflix until I die.   Goodbye cruel world......