Apr 10, 2013

birds are the most annoying creatures on this planet

Once upon a time some birds moved into our ceiling.

"Your ceiling?" You say, "Surely you mean something else?"

To which I reply, "No, I mean ceiling.  And don't call me Shirley."

The birds have made a hole is the house just above my bedroom window which allows them easy access into the ceiling.  At first different birds tried to lay claim to the new nesting territory and chaos ensued.  One time Two Bits compared the noise to a squirrel and a bird killing each other, so I had to calm her nerves by stating that squirrels aren't stupid enough to challenge a pointy-beaked, crazed feather duster over something as gross as our crappy duplex.

Things were just getting ridiculous.  The bird world rumbles that were occurring above our heads were enough to make the Sharks and the Jets dismiss any feelings of prettiness from Maria.  In the end, however, the finer sex overthrew all conflict and now we're hosting a birdy love shack.

I don't know if this particular species of bird only have one mate per season, but what I can tell you is that they are obnoxiously loud when thoughts of little baby birds are on their minds.  And it's practically ALL they have on their minds these days.

The last thing we need is a nest of baby birds in the ceiling.  A couple years ago we made the mistake of letting birds get into our grill, and I can't even convey the noisiness of those stupid birdlings.  Not to mention the territory issues that made it impossible to go in our backyard.  And not only that, but did you know that some birds will still live with their parents even after they're fully grown?

It is true, I tell you.

Because when I finally worked up the courage to open the lid of our grill, effectively exposing the nest, about five adult size birds came flying out at my head, and I had no choice but to run into the house screaming and ducking.  And then I had to hose bird poo off our grill for the next 3 hours and eventually just lit it on fire.

So we keep trying to get rid of the ceiling birds.  Every time I hear them getting it on I pound on the walls, or pick up this big roll of paper I have next to my desk and smack it against the ceiling.  This used to scare the them off, but now they're just like, "whatevs, stupid human".

A couple weeks ago Husband put vinegar into my huge super soaker water gun and sprayed the bird hole with it (the hole is pretty high on the house, so we needed to pull out the big guns, so to speak.).  It seemed to work for awhile.  But then I guess it stopped smelling or the birds just got used to the stench.

And now we don't know what to do.

Our landlord isn't very "hands-on" so I'm pretty sure telling her about it will not solve the problem.

Husband keeps suggesting we buy a BB gun and shoot any and all birds within a 2 block radius of our house.  But that seems a tad excessive.

So tell me, my awesome gentle readers, how does one annhiolate all birds in existence?  Or at least the ones nesting in my bedroom ceiling?

Apr 8, 2013

not my best idea


It's been raining all day.  But when it came time to pick Monkey up from kindergarten I didn't care about the weather.  I thought, "Oh yeah?  Forget you rain - we have these things called UMBRELLAS!"

And then Number Four and I left to walk to the school.

The first thing I quickly noticed was that a four year old yielding an umbrella makes not a pleasant walking companion.  She was whacking me all over the place with that thing, because instead of watching where she was going she kept looking up at the center of the umbrella or down at her feet.

The second thing I noticed was that a day of downpour equals overflowing curb gutters.  The flow of water was so wide that I had a hard time spanning them in one giant stride, and with a couple of little kids in tow we might as well have been crossing a river. 

We made it to the school, got Monkey, and walked most of the way home with about as much annoyance as you can imagine in those particular circumstances.  But then things got much more annoying. 

We had just gotten over the gutter on one side of the road.  Which meant that I had to close my umbrella, straddle the thinnest part of the gutter and then lift my kids, one at a time, over the flowing water.  Not only is straddling a 3 ft wide flow of rain water not the easiest thing for a fat woman to do, but umbrellas went flying in the little hands of their lifted occupants.  And I don't know about you, but I don't especially love getting a facer from a drenched umbrella.

We had just got onto the street, and just because we're lucky, a car turns the corner down the block and starts heading towards us.  And this car is not going slowly (even though we were on a residential road in a school zone - obviously that car was being driven by a jerk).  So I was trying to quickly cross the street and lift the kids over the even wider expanse of running gutter water on the other side. 

And then my kids decided to act like they'd never been on a road before.

Instead of waiting on the side of the road so I could hurry and lift them to safety, both kids start running in opposite directions.  And by the sound of it, the car behind us isn't approaching any slower, and it was getting close (the jerk). 

This only left one option: I grabbed onto whatever part of my kids I could reach, dragged their unwilling little bodies to the side of the road, which required the excessive umbrella combat, and threw them onto the sidewalk ignoring my own, now soaked, feet.

And the car zoomed past us.  (HUGE JERK.)

And that is why next time it's raining, I will be driving.