Oct 31, 2011

pfffft-lloween

Oh, Halloween.  You're so.......not as much fun this year.

The proof:

1) I didn't even hang our decorations this year.  Because, you know, meh.

2) Nobody gets a new costume.  Usually everyone gets a new one.  This year we're doing repeats.

3) We have craptastic candy.  Because Husband picked it this year instead of me.  Usually I at least get those big cheap bags with tootsie roll stuff in them.  Actually, I didn't know there was anything cheaper than those big bags with tootsie roll stuff.  Apparently there is.  And that's what we're handing out this year.

4) No church trunk-or-treat.  Which means we have to actually walk door to door and do regular trick-or-treating if we want candy.  Which is a pain.  I LIKE TO BE LAZY. 

5) The weather can't decide if it's cold or warm.  Make up your mind, weather.  I need to know how many layers to throw on my kids so we can NOT be lazy and walk door to door.

6) I think Halloween is amplifying the evil spirits that dwell inside of me.  And I don't even need a witch costume to be mean and cackle-y.  And don't even cross me, because I will so Avada Kadavra your butt.

7) MEH.   pffffft.

Oct 25, 2011

don't even say the word "cantaloupe" unless you want me to start bawling right now

Every once in awhile my stone cold heart betrays me.  Usually I can keep a pretty steady demeanor of unaffected "whatever"ness when it comes to things like crying and.....ok, pretty much just crying. 

Because crying is evil and I hate doing it.

Then I'll suddenly have a day when my extra womanly hormones kick in, or my "not enough sleep" meter fills up, or the evil fairies of crying torture find me and then EVERYTHING makes me tear up.  And it's super obnoxious.

This morning I was trying to answer emails, and Monkey wanted to play this game he created where every time I say "slugger monkey" he jumps on his hands and knees around the room.  Except he could only jump once for each time I said it.  And saying "slugger monkey" every half second while trying to type emails got old pretty fast so I put on my super excited face and said, "Let's listen to music and you can dance!"  So then I turned on pandora and the third song was Child of Mine by Guns n Roses, which reminded me of this video.  So then we had to watch the video a couple times, and I almost started bawling because Monkey is so freakin' adorable.

And then a puppy was born somewhere in the world and it made me want to cry some more.

And then I had to put a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper hangy thingy and I had to use some to wipe my nose from the quiet crying it caused.

And then I heard a unicorn fart and I could hardly contain my sobbing.

It's so obnoxious.

Oct 23, 2011

robots, zombies, and hint of aliens on the side

I've been watching a lot of sci-fi during the past week and a half.  (Basically, my ipad and netflix have been my constant companions.)  And there's just one thing that I really have to ask:  Why are we building robots?!

(I'm looking at you, Japan.)


I think it's pretty clear by now that if humans are ever going to be overthrown as the dominate power on this planet it's going to happen at the hands of ROBOTS.

Sure, they start as simple machines.  But then we have to make them look more like people, and then we give them personalities, and then eventually along the robotic evolutionary path they start becoming self-aware, and then the next thing you know they realize that they are stronger, smarter and just plain more awesome than human beings, and THERE GOES THE HUMAN RACE.

It's all so obvious.  Otherwise they wouldn't have so many shows about it.  Plus also, it just makes sense.  So stop making robots (Japan), because I like being the dominate power on this planet.

ALSO

My husband came home raving about some show "the guys at work" have been talking about.  And what do you know - it's on netflix too.  You might have heard of it: The Walking Dead. 



Apparently lots of people like it.  And it's about zombies.

I'm a pretty big fan of scary stuff.  Ghosts, OF COURSE.  Aliens, you bet.  Witches, werewolves and vampires, sure, if nothing else is on.  But zombies?  I HATE ZOMBIES.

I really really really hate zombies.

I didn't understand my deep loathing of zombies until I started watching that show either.  I mean, I always try to avoid zombies whenever possible.  But I thought it was because I actually just thought they were stupid.  NOPE.  They are, in fact, super super scary.  SUPER SCARY, I TELL YOU.

I could only watch the first 2 episodes, and then I had to go back in my room and watch some more sci-fi on my ipad. 

Because I find aliens to be extremely calming after being subjected to zombies.

But even 3 episodes of Stargate Atlantis couldn't wipe my mind of all those horrible zombie thoughts.  So when it was time for bed I couldn't actually fall asleep.  And I just laid there.  (On my back, all uncomfortable-like, since I still can't sleep on my side.) 

And then, of course, it was the night that all the kids decided to wake up 50 times for various reasons.  Except they don't come right into our room, or wake up screaming like they used to.  Oh no, they have to walk slowly through the kitchen and then creep down the hall, scuffling their little feet, making as many ZOMBIE NOISES as possible.

So our night pretty much went like this:

kids: scuffle, scuffle, "nnnngnnnnnn."

me: punch, "Wake up, there's a zombie in the kitchen."

husband: "OW, it's probably just one of the kids."

me: "No, it's a ZOMBIE.  Go smash it's brains."

husband: "I don't appreciate being woken up every half hour for the same thing.  There are NO zombies, it's just one of the kids."

me: "Shut up, it's only been 5 minutes.  Go smash the zombie's brains now."

I hardly got any sleep because of this.  Stupid zombies.

Oct 22, 2011

the post-surgery post

You know when you can't laugh, because you know it will cause excruciating pain, but then something hilarious happens and you keep telling yourself, "don't laugh, don't laugh, GAH, DON'T LAUGH", until your body betrays you and you let out one really huge guffaw, and then you die in excrutiating pain?

I HATE THAT.

So, I survived surgery.

Before the actual surgery the dr was all, "oh, THAT little hernia that has been causing you large quantities of pain for over 3 years? So not a big deal, the surgery is a piece of cake." (And this was after he killed me, as explained previously by way of cartoons.)

Then, after the surgery, the dr was all, "yeah, you had the most painful lapriscopic surgery possible, which requires 9 incisions and a 6x6 inch piece of mesh, so, like I said before, piece of cake."

AND

He knew all along that I would be having "the most painful lapriscopic surgery", from the very beginning. But did he warn me? OH NO HE DID NOT.

Why do drs do that anyway? My eye dr was like that too. He was all, "you can probably be out driving and acting normal the very next day!" And then I suffered from vampire-glass-shard-blind-eyeball for 3 weeks after each surgery.

Stupid lying drs anyway.

Also, I've come to the realization that my tolerance for pain isn't as high as I thought it was. Except that I blame it all on my last ten years of hurtful agony. I swear, the second I became an official adult it's just been one painful thing after another.

Is that normal?

Probably.

In any case, just thought you should know, I survived surgery but I still die a little every time I sneeze, cough, or chuckle.

Oh, and I still can't sleep on my side, which is annoying.

And also, the painkillers weren't even fun this time.

And now that's all.

I think.

The end.

Oct 10, 2011

the pre-surgery post

Tomorrow, at noon, I will be carved like a turkey.

Ok, FINE, it's just laparoscopic surgery, BUT STILL.

I'm not really excited for it to happen.  Not because the idea of surgery really scares me.  This will be the 11th surgery I've had - at this point, surgery is just kind of annoying.  (Well, at least THIS surgery is.  My eyeball surgeries were really painful, so yeah, those were moved beyond annoying and into NEVER AGAIN.)

The most annoying thing about having surgery is stuff like being forced to wear a hospital gown and not being allowed a bra.  Because I guess it's easier to resuscitate someone during surgery when their boobs are all flopping around.  Or something.

And they tell you not to wear stuff like mascara or deodorant.  Which is really lame.  They won't be anywhere near my eyelashes or armpits on this one, so I'm totally wearing both.  And I might even have on eyeliner.  And chapstick.  Because I'm a huge chapstick wearing rebel.  And what are they going to do?  Like they're going to say, "I'm sorry, we cannot perform your surgery because your deodorant is preventing the lovely BO aroma we like to have in the operating room at all times."?  I seriously doubt it.  (Except when I had my eyeball surgeries they did actually tell me they'd turn me away if I was wearing makeup, and I pretty much believed them, because they were kind of mean.)

My sister asked me on saturday if I was "excited for surgery".  And I said, "No, but I am excited for the pain killers I'll get after the surgery."  And then she looked at me like I was either crazy or that I lead a sad sad life where the only things I get to look forward to are pain killers after surgery.  And she's pretty much right.  On both accounts.

On a far less depressing subject - I think Cereal (our pet praying mantis) is THIS CLOSE to death. 

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

He keeps trying to climb the walls of his bug habitat but he can't seem to manage it so instead he just keeps clawing at it making really high pitched scraping noises.  Kind of like miniature fingernails on a chalkboard.  It's majorly obnoxious, and no matter how many times I glare at him he won't stop.

Except that now we think that Cereal has been a girl the entire time.  Because his/her/it's butt has gotten MASSIVE.  So either, she's going to lay eggs before she croaks, or he ate waaaaaay too many crickets and is dying from morbid obesity.  

Whatever the cause, I'm rehearsing for when the actual event takes place by singing, "Ding Dong Cereal is dead" and dancing around in a Munchkin-like fashion.  I just can't decide if I want to be in the Lollipop Gang or that fluffy girly group that I can't remember the name of....

Um, I'm just going to keep typing stuff now.

Opie keeps telling me about this boy at school that he likes to hang out with.  And he tells me that this boy's name is Santoskitten.  One word.  And yes, they call him Santoskitten.  Or so Opie says.  So either Opie has been calling this kid something that is obviously not a real name, or Santoskitten is imaginary.

And Monkey just informed me that if I really loved him, like I say I do, I would let him do whatever he wanted.  Like play computer games all day.  So I guess I'll stop typing now and let him play the computer.

Oct 6, 2011

mostly about eyes, kind of

I think about worms a lot.  When I was in jr high we had a parasitical worm section and my biology teacher was slightly, um, memorable.  (He was a total weirdo.)  And he told us all about how everyone has worms because they're so easy to get.  And how he's seen doctors remove little kids eyeballs because they thought they saw a tumor in there, but it turned out just to be a worm.

It was majorly creepy.  So now I'm constantly worried that I have worms.  And everytime I have an eyebooger I'm like, "aaaaah, is it a worm?!"  But I'm hoping that with as often as doctors look at my eyeballs they'd be able to tell if there was a worm in there by now.  (And I'm just going to ignore the other 500 places in a human body that a worm can hide, so don't even mention it ok?)

switching gears now

You know what I think is annoying?  (Besides the obvious things like claw bangs and Bob Saget.)  On tv or movies when someone is trying to be really covert by signaling to someone else and they do some kind of facial expression or eye movements or something but really they're being totally obvious.  And yet NO ONE else notices except for that someone else that is being "covertly" signaled. 

Or when on tv or in movies some people are having a secret meeting in public or sneaking around or whatever, and they're trying to "blend in" yet they act like completely huge paranoid freaks.  Except, once again, NO ONE notices.

It's just lame.

ok, switching gears again

I've combined forces with Caroline to take over the world via craft tutorials and printables.  So you'll have to check out, love, follow and read our blog often.  Because we're going to need everyone's full cooperation to meet our 6 month world domination goal.

And also because I posted a tutorial on this today:


It has eyeballs on it!  And they're not even infested with worms.....just spiders.

Oct 4, 2011

the cranky recluse

I have hermit-ish tendencies.  Or more aptly put, I NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE.

At first it was my kids' fault.  Because for years I had little tiny kids that were a major pain in the butt to take anywhere.  Just the thought of getting in the car was enough of a deterrent. I always had to plan an extra 7-12 minutes for each time I had to buckle all of them in their carseats.  And how often is it that you just need to go one place when you're out?  NEVER.  So there would be the whole, buckle, unbuckle, buckle, unbuckle, buckle, unbuckle routine until I was so tired of seatbelts I never wanted to get in a car again.

I used to be able to leave in the evenings though.  And run away for awhile to exotic places like the library or Shopko.  And I only had to worry about buckling myself in.  And I could play really loud hard rock in the car without having to worry about damaging baby psychies or eardrums.  And it sort of kept me from being so much of a hermit that my neighbors forgot what I looked like. 

And then my eyes broke.  And going anywhere past dusk was out of the question.  I mean, I COULD go out.  But I'm not really a fan of near death experiences on the freeway and stuff.  So you know, I just wouldn't go out.  And leaving the house during the day meant the whole, buckling unbuckling thing still.  Plus my kids had reached the stage of "Buy me that!  Why aren't we going to McDonalds?  I want to run freely through the aisles!!  WHEEEEEE!" so it's not like they were a load of good times outside of the house.

But then glorious school happened.  And for a couple hours during the day I would only have half or NONE of the kids home.  So leaving the house became so much easier.  Except that I realized I didn't really have anywhere to go besides the grocery store.  But still, I had the OPTION of going out.  If I felt like it.

And then we moved here.  And Husband's car died.  And so he takes mine to work every day.  And I only get it when I have to go get tortured at doctor's offices.  And besides, even if I had a car I would just get lost in it.  Because I do that.  Frequently.  And it's gotten to the point where even walking out of our door is like, "AAAAAAAH, SUNLIGHT!  I'm melting......" 

I think this is why I'm so cranky all the time.