Apr 28, 2009

ANNOUNCEMENT

Ok, here it is - that life changing announcement I mentioned I was going to make.

Drum roll please...

I have been spending many a (very VERY) late night these past few weeks, to bring you a new way to get Church clipart, t-shirts, posters, stickers, activities, games, talks, lesson helps, handouts, the list goes on.

Green Jello with Carrots

It is a joint business with my mom, who has excellent credentials. You can read all about her on the website. (Ok, so for now it's just a blog, but we will eventually have an actual website.)

Right now I am still working out a few bugs, and adding more and more products and free stuff.

That's right, I said FREEEEEE STUFFFFFFF.

But I want to introduce my meager reading to this new business of mine, and see what everyone thinks. The goal is to have something ready made for you to download and use each sunday, or for FHE, or just for fun.

Please, go and see. And then keep checking back, because it's just going to get better!

See, your life is now totally changed.

Apr 25, 2009

hairy iguanas

I tried to take a picture of myself the other day. Except that because of the angle of the camera (as I held it out in front of me) my nose looked HUGE.

I do have a sort of biggish nose.

It's not tiny, I admit.

But really - it's not that huge. Thank you very much.


We put the monkey in a toddler bed tonight.

It's been pretty scary so far.

Bedtime was almost 3 hours ago and he's still awake.

At least he's stopped jumping on his brother.


I'm going to have a big announcement type thingy majig next week (monday or tuesday....we'll see.)

Get ready, it's gonna be great! Or at least good. Maybe just ok.

(With hype like this, you can tell it's clearly going to change your lives.)


I need popcorn.

That need it overpowering my need to lose 5,432,927.34 pounds right now.

I think it's going to be caramel popcorn.


Ok, so here's one of those big nosed pictures, that I'm sure you were dying to see since the opening line of this post.


And since I'm posting pictures, here's one of Number Four:

She's gotta be the cutest baby you've ever seen (through the bars of a crib) right? I know. She is stinkin' adorable, I tell you.

Apr 20, 2009

if we were all cows

We spent the weekend with my in-laws.

On the way home we drove past a field of cows munching on weeds. All of them were in a group in the center of the field. Except for the loner cow, munching all by herself far off from the cow herd.

Husband says, "Hey look - it's you in the cow world."

Ok.

Apparently I don't get along well with other cows.

And if you ask my in-laws, they'd probably agree.

Apr 17, 2009

why I don't believe in evolution

Aside from the obvious, like God outranking Darwin (which makes me more inclined to believe God's creation story versus Darwin's), I have a couple really great theories on why evolution is ridiculous.

PREHENSILE TAILS

Where did they go? Lesser intelligent monkeys have them, but you get to the apes and chimps and there are no tails to be found. So science expects us to believe that years and years of disuse led to the shedding of a tail out of non-necessity?

Have you seen how much little monkeys use those things? A tail is like a 5th appendage - it's in constant use. Why would nature get rid of it? It just seems foolish.

What I wouldn't give for a prehensile tail.

Wanna know why else I think evolution is a bunch of hooey?

OPPOSABLE TOES

A chimpanzee can peel a banana using only it's feet while picking fleas off it's neighbor with it's hands. I have a hard time believing that's not a skill humans could use.

How many mothers do you know wishes she had more than two hands? Especially for banana peeling. And think about how easy french braiding would be.

So see, when you think about it logically, evolution just seems stupid.

Although I really wouldn't have minded if God created me with a bit longer toes so that it made picking things off the floor with my feet easier. A tail wouldn't have been a bad idea either.

Apr 16, 2009

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, does it show?

You know that movie "A Beautiful Mind" where the guy finds out that he's imagined his whole life; best friend, conspirators and all? Sometimes I feel like that.

Well, not about the conspirators (unless my children count.)

It's more like when I'm standing on the curb with my 4 year old, waiting for his bus and thinking:

Today is thursday right? Not friday? Because he doesn't have school on fridays. I think it's thursday, but the bus is really late. Could it be friday? No wait, Lost was on last night, so it has to be thursday. Or was Lost on two nights ago? What did I do last night? Is it thursday or friday?

Oh my gosh, what if it's like tuesday?

And what if the bus isn't coming because he doesn't really go to school? He's just so horrible with all the screaming that I just wish I could get rid of him every day?

Or what if I really don't have a 4 year old, the neighbors are probably wondering what I'm doing outside talking to my non-existent child. Eek, what if I don't even live here, and the people who actually own this house are wondering what I'm doing out here talking about a school bus?

Should I be looking for cops? Or maybe some guys with straight jackets to take me away?

Because if I don't have a 4 year old, or probably any of the kids I've created in my mind, and I really don't live here, I'm probably a grungy insane bag lady. Which also means that I don't own a computer. Or a blog.

Oh my gosh, my blog is all a part of my elaborate delusion.

Except then why don't I have a better blog? What sort of nutjob imagines a semi-mediocre blog? And since I only have like 23 followers, then my blog must really exist, right? Which means I have to own a computer somewhere, right? And I swear this is my house. And how can you imagine a 4 year old stomping on your barefeet with his rainboots? The pain sure feels real. And, hey, there's the school bus.

Ok, I guess I'm not crazy.

But that doesn't leave out the theory of how the world is run by an elaborate computer like in the Matrix...

Apr 13, 2009

complaints turned positive

Mother nature is surely a moment away from striking, because everything is getting on my nerves today. But I won't let PMS get me down - I'm going to pull a Polly Anna and see if I can turn each of my annoyances into something positive. (We'll see how it goes, I'm not making any promises.)

A few minutes ago I planted a couple new flowers in front of my house. Except that I couldn't find a shovel, or a trowel, or even a plastic scooper from my kids' beach buckets. So I had to dig holes for the new flowers with a spoon. And my biggest spoon wasn't even clean, so I had to use the smaller one and the handle kept bending because the ground here is a mixture of clay and rocks. But hey, new flowers! And I haven't had a chance to kill them off yet (plants have a low survival rate around here....so do frogs.)

I got those new flowers at the grocery store this morning. Except that I had to take all of my kids with me to the store, which is something I try to avoid whenever possible. Our grocery store has those miniature carts for little kids to push around. My kids like to sprint with them and slam into displays and run over strangers' toes. And that's with Monkey strapped into the front of my cart, and Number Four in her carseat in the basket of my cart (rendering my cart completely useless, by the way.) But Opie had to take a snack to school, and we still don't have a magic pantry that automatically produces the exact food you want each time you open it, so we really had to go to the store.

We made it through to check out, and the very not busy cashiers were all hanging out at the same stand. So I went there. One of the other cashiers bagged my stuff. Nice, right? Sure. Except that they were having a private conversation the entire time we stood there. Of course they probably thought I wasn't listening because I kept yelling, "Don't touch the gum. Quit running in circles around the cart. No, you can't eat that. Please get your hand out of your pants." But what those cashiers didn't realize is that I am very well practiced in the art of scolding and listening simultaneously.

The cashier bagging my groceries is going to have an ultrasound to find out the gender of her baby. You know, in case you see her, you might want to check to make sure her worries of having a cross-legged stubborn child were unnecessary.

So I pay for everything while still eaves dropping and yelling at my kids, and then realize that no one put the bagged groceries in my cart. Or my kids' carts. Which would have been a very lovely thing to have had done. So I had to push my kids out of the way and arrange myself around the multiple carts to put bags in all the small available spaces all while the two idle cashiers are contemplating unknown baby parts. Except that now Johnny the bagger boy has joined in. And, um, isn't it a bagger boy's job to load groceries back into carts? ISN'T IT?

I'm still not done with the grocery store part, so I don't have to turn it into a positive just yet.

We get out to the car. Not a small task with the maniacal sprinting miniature shopcart crashing children in tow. I tell everyone to get in their seats and buckle up. Saying this is mostly useless because only one of my four children can actually buckle herself in. But I was hoping for at least some of the "get in your seat" action. Monkey had other plans. Which included throwing things out of the van while I transferred the groceries in.

This was very frustrating, so I growled, "Stop it, you little......uggggghhhh."

It ended in an "ugghh" because at that same moment a happy older couple walked up to their car, next to us.

Smiling old lady says, "Oh boy, you have your hands full!"

Snarling me says back, "Oh, you think so, lady?!!"

Ok, not really. She got a short courtesy smile, I'm sure it looked slightly snarly. But the positiveness that came from our trip to the store was that I had the ingredients to make sandwich snails and fruit ladybugs for Opie's snack, which beats the usual crackers and raisins they get on most days. (And I got to restock on diet soda to get through the rest of my day.)

My last grievance was a work out. An unwanted one. It was naptime. Number Four didn't want to be left alone while Monkey was put in bed, and Monkey can't be left alone for fear of total destruction. So I had to carry the baby -who now weighs over 20 pounds- up the stairs to put Monkey in bed. Then I had to carry her back down the stairs to get her a bottle. And then we went back upstairs so I could rock her and put her in bed. But I realized that her binky was downstairs on the piano, so I had to carry her back down. And finally I carried her back up the stairs and got her to sleep. And then I decided to just throw myself back down the stairs because my legs were feeling a bit of a burn and I am incredibly lazy. But I never have time to fit in a real workout, so at least I got some mandatory thigh toning for today.

My posts always end up insanely long. This probably annoys you. You could complain, but if you were Polly Anna you would have to admit that it's great spending so much time reading about my day.

Apr 8, 2009

magical clothes

Do you believe in magical clothes. I do. Except that clothes are usually possessed with evil magic. Not the good kind.

Kind of like that dress that looks fabulous on the mannequin, and then looks fabulous when you try it on at the store, but the second you pay for it and put it on again it looks like you have grown an extra appendage from your lower back? Evil magic clothes. That's what it is.

Our latest evil article of clothing is t-shirt. What could go wrong with a t-shirt, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

It is a cute little t-shirt with guitars on it, bought for our cute little guitar loving Monkey. It seemed so perfect. In fact, I believe it was even on sale (magic clothes usually are.) But he has never worn it a full day without some horrible disastrous mess occurring. Ever.

Like the one day that we were in a huge hurry to get out the door, so I told everyone to eat their cereal at lightening speed. Monkey tried. And then his cereal bowl threw itself at the evil guitar shirt and spilled the ENTIRE THING, drenching him and his brother in the chair to him with soggy frosted flakes.

Or like the time that we had someone coming over, and just before the doorbell rang Monkey tried to steal a sip of his sister's chocolate milk. The evil guitar shirt had convinced Monkey that he had mastered the skill of drinking from open cups when in fact the child can no more drink from a cup than he can from a shoe. So I was caught cleaning chocolate milk off my son, the floor, and every other hard surface that splashing milk could adhere to.

And then today was beyond horrendous. Surely the magic of the shirt is growing stronger. I knew I was testing things when I put it on the Monkey this morning. But it is a well known fact that if you can get through an entire day without magical mishap then the curse is broken. (What, you didn't know that? )

I thought I had won. I thought that since we had made it through 8 hours of the day unscathed that I could just walk away and count the battle of magic over. Alas, it was not so.

About 20 minutes ago Monkey came up to me to show me his fingers. His cute chubby fingers - covered in poo. That's right. POOOOOOO. The magic was powerful, causing the Monkey's colon to involuntarily spew all of it's contents into an unsuspecting diaper. This diaper was no match for that kind of magic, and the poo leaked through everywhere. And then Monkey decided to smear.

Poo body art is not good. Luckily he didn't get far.

And now the crap covered guitar shirt (as well as his undershirt and shorts) are sitting on my washer awaiting a watery grave. Or just the washing machine. Whatever. If the shirt weren't so cute I would totally flush it. Also, I'm extremely stubborn and I will win this battle. How can I let myself be bested by it? It would be shameful. So, bring it on evil t-shirt, BRING IT ON!

Apr 7, 2009

seize the day

I work from home. (I've probably mentioned this before.) It really horribly and truly stinks to work from home. Completely.

At first I thought, "I am so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and still earn some money." And my friends would say, "How lucky you are to be able to stay home with your kids and still earn some money." And I must admit that it certainly beats being Crew Chief at McDonalds or even being stuck in an office for 8 hours a day But the way I see things now, it truly stinketh.

The reason being, working from home is a double-edged sword.  Something (or in the case of the my children, someone) is always being neglected.  My house doesn't get cleaned, my laundry sits around in piles of wrinkled stench, my kids often wear diapers until the pee is soaking through them while simultaneously memorizing the PBS Kids show lineup because they see it so much, and my "to do" list both for work and home just keeps growing instead of getting shorter.  It is quite impossible to accomplish anything around here.  And the stress of it is overwhelming.

I think they should invent some kind of drug that makes it so you never have to sleep, and that you never get tired at all.  And while they're at it, this drug should also make you lose weight, and make your boobs stop sagging, and also take away all the wrinkles that sleep deprived late night hours of work and kid rearing have done.  That would be an excellent drug.

This morning I got up "early" to get a head start on some work stuff.  It was going ok, but then Opie realized that the lights were on downstairs and of course decided to get out of bed early himself.  And then Two Bits saw the light, and came down too.

They were just coloring - it sounds perfectly harmless, and an activity which should allow me to continue working, right?  

Not so.

Every 15 seconds (literally) one of the kids was next to me going, "Look Mommy, look, I colored this little corner pink.  Look.  LOOK!"  And so I would look and say, "That's so great! Go finish it." 15 seconds and the kids are back, "Look Mommy, look, I colored right next to the corner, and it's still pink! Look. LOOK!!"  And so I would look and say, "That's awesome, you're doing a great job - go finish."  15 seconds later, "Look Mommy, look, I colored another tiny part pink.  Look.  LOOK!!"  And then I'd slightly turn my head and say, "Yup."  But that wasn't enough, so then the kids would say, "Isn't that so great, Mommy.  Look.  LOOK!"  And without turning my head I'd say, "Yup."  And then they'd say, "It's so funny, Mommy, look, it's so funny, it's still pink.  Look. LOOOOOOK!!!"  

Is this getting annoying to read yet, because I'm telling you, it was downright exasperating.

So by the time 3 corners of paper were colored pink Monkey and Number Four were awake screaming from their beds.  And helpful Husband is on his way out the door saying, "The kids are awake."  Yeah, really?  REALLY?!!  So he got a goodbye scowl and eyeroll.

After the kids had clean bottoms and clothes, I realized that we were out of cereal.  And bread.  And bananas.  Oh, and milk.  And we had 1 egg.  So the kids got Chocolate Malt-o-meal, because we actually had some.  And while it was cooking, I realized that I was singing the song "Seize the Day" from Newsies.

I had just watched the movie a week-ish ago, and it was somehow coming out of my mouth without realizing.  So then I started thinking about the words: "Open the gate and seize the day.  Don't be afraid and don't delay."  It got me really thinking.  Maybe I should just try to make the best of this day, even though it has so far been going badly.  Yeah, I could make this a good day.  How great.  

But then I remembered the line in the song, "Though they may break us..."  And then I was thinking that I was definitely broken, and it's really hard to come back from that, especially when you have a two year old screaming over the fact that he can't have a non-existent banana,and a 4 year old screaming about not wanting today to be picture day at preschool, and a 10 month old screaming because I won't let her chew on my dirty flipflop, and a 5 year old screaming just because everyone else is screaming so WHY NOT?  And hours and hours worth of work that are never going to get done, and knowing that since it is preschool picture day you'll have to dig out the dirty pants from the bottom of the overflowing hamper and just wash off the dirty spots with a rag and hope they don't smell too bad, and by the way I haven't showered for like 3.78 years.  

Therefore who cares about those dumb gates, I just wanted to go back to bed.  Stupid optimistic songs anyway.

Apr 4, 2009

give a WAAAAAAY

About a week ago I won the "Pay it Forward" giveaway from Wonder Woman, and I'm just finally mentioning it.

Wanna know why?

Huh? Do you?

It's because I just finished making like 5,432,987.3 hairbows for a couple of parties I'm having next week. Lots of bows people. LOTS.

But anyways, I won the Pay it Forward give away, and now I'd like to, you know, Pay it Forward. So here's the deal (for the two of you out there who have never actually seen this before. Ok, who am I kidding, I think everyone knows about this, but here are the rules anyway because I know that some of you haven't actually won yet, and I totally want you to win this time.)

If you win, you will receive a home made item from me within a year. I'm thinking crocheted hats. And now I'm sure you're all thinking that I'm totally going to send you a grandma hat that you'll hate. OH HOW YOU ARE WRONG, MY FRIENDS. I am an awesome hat maker. No really. I have perfected my skills. And I'm seriously bragging here. Because otherwise people will automatically not want to enter for fear of winning scary grandma hats.

However, I'm thinking you'll want this hat for your child, or grandchild, or next door neighbor child. It really doesn't matter, except for the child part. Because the hats that I make look like puppies, or monkeys, or cats and once I even did a penguin where the earflaps were the bird's flippers. And I don't know about you, but I'm not really wanting to show up to the grocery store with a pink kitten on my noggin. (However awesome my hat making skills are, there are limits here.)

So if you'd like to win, you have to be one of the first 3 people to comment. And you'll also have to leave me your email address. So that I can contact you in a bit more private manner to get the style, color, size and intended address for your prize.

And if you are a winner you must then Pay it Forward. Because those are the rules. Don't fight it. You know you want to do something crafty and mail it someone. I'm secretly hoping that Jen wins, and then does something with a gluegun when she's making her homemade prizes. Because we all know how fabulous she is with a gluegun. Which, if for no other reason, is why you MUST go vote for her at MMB.

Now don't all rush to the comment box, although the thought of a purple monkey hat is extremely enticing.