Mar 25, 2009

some thoughts

I went shopping yesterday, and found that our Osh Kosh outlet was having sales ranging from 40-70% off. Their jeans were $10. TEN DOLLARS. I bought a green shirt for Two Bits at Walmart the day before St. Patricks and paid $7. Seven dollars for a shirt that will shrink, roll at the bottom, and look 52 years old after the first washing. It really goes without saying that outlet stores are sent from heaven (and also that if you spend $100 while there your husband should really not get mad because the sales were so worth it.)

I have a spot on my stomach that has no feeling. It used to constantly be on my mind. Sometimes I still think about it and poke at it with my finger just to make sure I still can't feel anything. I still can't, in case you were wondering. I guess that's what repeated c-sections will do to you.

I have egg breath.

I am an excellent mother ALL OF THE TIME. For every second of every day, in fact. If you don't believe me, here's an example of my mothering awesomeness:
Monkey was throwing food at dinner, like usual, which caused me to call him a booger. A common name for him around here (and for those of you sensitive to that word, like UKer's, just pretend that I said bogey, because it's the same thing.)
Two Bits and Opie immediately defended their brother by telling me that he was NOT a booger, but that he was a boy. So then I rebuttaled and said that he was in fact a booger because one day I stuck my finger up my nose and dug around in there until I successfully pulled the baby Monkey out of my nostril, and that was how he was born.
See what I mean about the great mothering? I should really receive some kind of honorific award for such a sentimental reference to the birth of my third child.

I have been recently watching episodes of old BBC series made from Charles Dickens and Jane Austen books on Netflix. Some of them are really great. I have to say though, that the version of Mansfield Park from the 1970's was a bit of a snorefest. But I made it through. And then I watched Bleak House and David Copperfield (that one was on PBS sunday night) which were very non-snorefest-y. But that's not really the point - - the point IS that now I feel like a total pauper. I don't have a single servant, I have to raise my own kids, we own zero horses and I highly doubt my old minivan can pass as a barouche. It's a little depressing. I think I at least deserve a cook.

Opie told me yesterday that his favorite princess was Ariel. I was thinking about how Husband would react to this news. I'm sure he would say that boys shouldn't have favorite princesses and then worry about the orientation of our little man. But then I would remind him that Ariel is the one that only wears seashells. I think that this would cause the worry to cease, because clearly Opie has the right priorities here.

And now I need to clean my house, because I have someone coming over. I should be more embarrassed at how messy it is here, but I'm having a hard time finding the right level of devastation.

Mar 19, 2009

my left eyelid keeps twitching

...and my two year old screams like a banshee in a blender. Do I even need to mention that I also have a headache? Or is that purely assumed?

I was just making fruit tray for a ward baby shower tonight, cutting up bananas, but only partially able to see (because, you know, twitching eyelid.)

Opie runs to my side and demands, "Give me a banana!!" (We're huge on manners here, clearly my kids are picking up on that.)

I tell Opie that he can't have a banana because I am taking them with me to the party, which causes him to instantly collapse to the floor in a fitful rage.

"I don't want you to go!!! Don't leave!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" he says.

More screaming and raging ensue.

"You can't go!!!!" he says.

Screaming, crying, kicking of feet.

And then he yells, "You can't go and take my bananas!!!!"

It's a good feeling to know that your most desirable parenting ability is to hand out bananas. I'm sure there wouldn't even be a problem if I had been chopping cauliflower.

Speaking of Opie -the little darling- he's been surprising me every time he opens his mouth (and not just with his utter lack in manners and self-restraint.) Yesterday I was smearing some peanut butter sandwiches together for lunch when we had this conversation:

Opie: "God made our bodies?"

Me (thinking they must have talked about this in primary recently, therefore giving a lighthearted answer): ""Yup, everyone gets a body."

Opie (totally serious): "But why?"

Me (a little thrown off with the direction this is going): "Because our spirits need bodies."

Opie: "How did our bodies get here?"

Me (feeling completely unprepared for a conversation of this magnitude): "Your body grew in my tummy, and then your spirit came to live in that body, and then you were born, and your spirit is still in your body right now!"

I capped off the statement with a big grin and his sandwich, hoping the conversation was over for awhile until I could think of something better to say. But Opie wasn't done.

Opie (with his most confused face on): "God made our bodies, but I grew in your tummy?" As in, my four year old just made the connection that God didn't literally assemble his body, even though everyone has been telling him that He did.

It was a bit awkward and we didn't have much time to go into the whole creation of Adam and Eve thing.

So yeah, here he is: Opie the Transformer loving, non-potty going, philosophical four year old with a mean left hook.
It's just going to get harder, isn't it?

Mar 12, 2009

one hundred

This is my 100th post. In celebration, I have put together a very cheerful and thought provoking list of...


100 TRULY HORRIFYING THINGS:

1. laundry.

2. having no chocolate anywhere in your house (not even a stray M&M in between the couch cushions)

3. sleeping on your arm wrong

4. short toddler naps

5. when kids grow out of taking naps

6. not getting your own nap

7. the stomach flu

8. the common cold

9. gout

10. cold toast

11. realizing there isn't a single unused diaper in your whole house just as your baby is having a poopy blowout

12. holey socks

13. wearing a dress

14. braces

15. the last wetwipe

16. shades of red that were supposed to go together but clearly clash

17. dead fish

18. soap scum

19. realizing you have no eggs half-way through a recipe

20. finishing a really good book to realize you've neglected everything other than the book for 2 days

21. and then realizing how non-glamorous and un-book-like your life is

22. while you're scrubbing toilets

23. finding a hair in your food at a restaurant

24. forgetting to screen your calls

25. an empty M&M bag

26. toddler diarrhea

27. the bathroom scale

28. any scale

29. full-length mirrors

30. breaking the diaper bag strap - unexpectedly - in public

31. tantrums

32. living down wind from a dairy

33. morning sickness

34. when your internet connection suddenly dies

35. having a fried graphics cards and not being able to render the online player to watch the last 3 episodes of Ugly Betty, which sadly you missed, and they are probably really good, but too bad for you

36. drip drying in a public restroom

37. highway rest stops in the middle of nowhere

38. that guy that hangs out behind bathroom curtains waiting for you to finish peeing so he can jump out and kill you

39. out of focus pictures

40. menstrual cramps

41. labor pains

42. water retention

43. monsters under the bed

44. when they stop making your favorite kind of mascara

45. terrorists

46. getting picked last in kickball

47. PDA (being married doesn't exclude you from this, by the way)

48. finding a who-knows-how-old-that-smelly-thing-is diaper shoved behind the garbage can

49. finding a curdled sippy cup of milk in the closet

50. finding a curdled sippy cup of milk in your toddler's hand

51. a flat tire

52. the dark

53. shattering your favorite mug

54. briefly running upstairs, leaving out something really important and coming back to the sound of your toddler ripping paper

55. chickenless stir-fry

56. having to drink barium (paint)

57. psycho, stalker, rapist killers

58. being late

59. daylight savings changes

60. reruns of Lost when you thought it would be a new episode

61. the mean chef dude on Hell's Kitchen (I can't even watch it long enough to find out the guy name before practically peeing my pants in fear)

62. dead batteries

63. putting on a clean shirt, then holding a snotty baby

64. grape flavoring

65. nightmares

66. nightgowns

67. ironed jeans

68. co-ed dodgeball

69. snow

70. shrimp (cooked in any way, shape or form)

71. weevils in your pantry

72. medical colon cleansers

73. any "Ernest" movie

74. spilling food on your boobs in front of someone new who hasn't witnessed this awesome boob catching talent of yours yet

75. practicing scales on any instrument

76. crooked rugs

77. having a huge underground zit that takes two days to come to a head that you are afraid to pop because an alien might explode out of it, because it is that big

78. chipping a tooth

79. giving a talk in church

80. swallowing a bug

81. being caught picking your nose

82. not wanting to be caught picking your nose, and instead being caught with a big bogey hanging out of your left nostril

83. mullets

84. breaking an underwire bra

85. breaking one of those waterfilled bust enhancing bras (they make these, right? I'm not getting one though....just in case)

86. those loud popping push toys that have been around for a zillion years (why are those things so popular?!)

87. bad wigs

88. bad wigs on men

89. the last Indiana Jones movie

90. selective man hearing

91. pork rinds

92. realizing the kids just saw you stuff that last brownie in your mouth, even though you were being sneaky

93. realizing your next door neighbor just saw you stuff that last brownie in your mouth through the open blinds (and way too close proximity of houses)

94. really wanting another brownie

95. the low score on Guitar Hero

96. those grapes in a can of fruit cocktail

97. any of the Star Wars movies (ok, now I have some enemies...)

98. Bratz Dolls

99. a loose toddler and a desperate need to shower

100. not being able to think of a really good last item on your list


And there you have it. I'm sure your life is feeling much more complete knowing all of this. It's so spectacular celebrating my 100th post. I feel like someone should do a quick cheer (I forgot my pompoms, so I need someone to fill in here. Preferably someone good.)

Mar 9, 2009

luckily

So have you seen those memes about googling the word "unfortunately" coupled with your name? I'm thinking this has been going on awhile, because when I googled mine a whole bunch of other bloggers named Melissa came up. So I decided to google "LUCKILY MELISSA" instead. (It was a totally creative switcheroo, I tell you.)

Luckily, Melissa is single-handedly changing that perception. (Which is really my calling in life, right? Don't ask "what perception?" it's totally irrelevant.)

Luckily Melissa had a vibrant blue Sharpie for me to sign with. (I would be nothing without a vibrant blue sharpie.)

Luckily, Melissa ducked and narrowly saved her life. (Phew, I know!!)

Luckily, Melissa was having a “good boob day.” (So that's not news- it happens EVERY day. Oh wait, it says 'good' boobs, not 'saggy' boobs. Nevermind.)

Luckily Melissa had handled all the logistics. (Not such a good idea, in fact, that's truly terrifying...)

Luckily Melissa & Dennis had lots of kids in the wedding party to enjoy the rain! (I swear it was Dennis's idea.)

Luckily Melissa and I are dorks. (Ok, who said that?!!!)

Luckily, Melissa is able to regurgitate a joke from a Laffy Taffy wrapper about a sheep and Ty dissolves into a fit of giggles. (My talents are unending.)

Melissa was making a beef lasagne. (Nope, sorry, those are tacos.)

Luckily, Melissa had been hypnotized before, so when I began the induction, she slipped quickly into a trance state. (I told you there were psychos out there to get me!)

Luckily, Melissa has the maturity Franny lacks. (I don't know who Franny is, but I highly doubt this can be true.)

Luckily Melissa provides just as good a conclusion to the story as I could hope for. (ALWAYS! You remember who we're talking about, right? I'm the BEST with conclusions. And beginnings. And you know....the filler crap.)

THE END.
(See, it's good.)

Mar 2, 2009

a colored toothbrush


Wonder Woman gave this to me - isn't it awesome?! I googled "Premios Dardos" (because that's what the award is) and found this description:

La I Entrega de Premios Dardo 2008 se abre paso entre un gran elenco de Premios de reconocido prestigio en el mundo de la literatura, y con el reconoce los valores que cada blogger muestra cada día en su empeño por transmitir valores culturales, éticos, literarios, personal, etc.., que en suma, demuestra su creatividad a través su pensamiento vivo que está y permanece, innato entre sus letras, entre sus palabras rotas”.

So there you go - are we all clear on this? Good. So here's the rules (thankfully in English):

STEP 1: Respond and rework. Answer the following questions on my blog, replacing one question that I dislike with a question of my own invention.

STEP 2: Add one more question of my own.

STEP 3: Tag eight other bloggers.

1) What is your favorite day of the week? They all kind of blend together....

2) What is your biggest fear? Dying and having my husband remarry and then having my kids call that devil woman 'mother.' (Of course he'd marry a devil woman - evil cunning is the only way he could find what appears to be my equal. I'm that awesome, which my husband better remember if I were to die. Also I would fiercely haunt him and his devil bride.)

3) What was your worst subject in school? Any math besides geometry - I can do geometry because it has pictures.

4) Who did you hug last? Number Four and then Monkey

5) What websites do you visit when you go online? my email firstly, and if I get to sit at the computer longer than two seconds I like to go to Pandora and pick out of my 57 stations.

6) What was the last item that you bought? that's a toughy - I think the last purchase that I personally made was some scrapbook stuff to make my kids' great grandparents belated V-day photobooks. But that was like a week and a half ago. I wonder where that package is....

7) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? I dunno, do I have to take my kids?

8) What is your favorite book? I don't know if I have a favorite, per say. But a few that have recently floated my boat are: The Hunger Games, The Host (I just reread that one, still like it), anything Jane Austen (except for Mansfield Snorefest Park), and Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

9) What was the longest car ride you ever took? Probably this last trip we went on to Disneyland. It really wasn't that long, but I think the amount of miles should be multiplied by the amount of kids each receiving their own numerical value based on age, self-feeding capabilities and number of times they puked along the way. Therefore, it was a REALLLLLY long drive.

10) What was the (second to) last movie you watched? On saturday I saw "Coraline" with a friend. I thought it would be in 3d - it wasn't. Plus it was weird (of course.) But I had read the book, so watching the movie just seemed to be the next logical course of action - and also I wanted to get out of putting my kids to bed and the movie just happened to be starting at the perfect bedtime avoidance hour.

11) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions, what would you do? First of all, let's pretend that this day lasts like 426 hours instead of 24, ok? In which case I would nap, and then read, and then nap, and then watch shows online, and then nap and then get my hair trimmed, and then nap. And I might take a nap somewhere in there.

12) If you were to win the Powerball, what would you do with the money (besides invest it)? A house that has a backyard and a playroom.

13) In your opinion, who is the most significant person in history and why? Eve in the Garden of Eden - because if it weren't for her none of us would be here.

14) If you had a choice of places to live, where would it be? Lots of places. I don't like to settle down in one city. The world is just too big for that. (Too bad I'll be stuck here until the day I DIE! ugh.)

15) What's an item on your property you can't live without? Does my house count? Let's pretend that it does.

16) Do you know where Benji Schwimmer is right now? On a blind date with my sister?

17) What color is your toothbrush? Mine is white and pink, and I think a little orange. It also has a tongue scraper on the back. Because a well groomed tongue is crucial in today's world of high-end oral hygiene. (Which of course means nothing when you forgot to brush your teeth this morning...)

And now I'm tagging/passing this award along to...this part makes me so nervous....who do I pick? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Too much pressure. You're ALLLLL picked. Usually I only have like 8 readers anyway, so guess what?! YOU are who I choose!