Jan 26, 2009

not being chopped up and star kissings

So I was reading about Jen's first kiss under the stars and I was thinking, "Hey I kissed a guy under the stars once....or twice...OH WAIT, three times. Wow, I'm easy." And then I remembered that there really aren't that many guys that I have kissed and so it doesn't even sound impressive (or easy) in my mind anymore.

Two of those star kissings were actually quite lovely (one was with my husband, so it's all sappy and boring.) But there is one that could use a little bloggy attention. So here you go:

When I was in high school I worked at McDonald's. And there was a guy who also worked at McDonald's who had a crush on my sister....who also worked at McDonald's. Clearly McDonald's was THE place to work in my hometown....or we were all geeks. I'm not really sure (ok, I am sure we were all geeks, but I have obviously grown past that....right? RIGHT?!!)

My sister didn't like this McDonald working guy - she said he was a geek. WHAT? But it turns out he was actually a lot of fun, so when she turned him down on dates I went instead. It was lovely in a "I know you're not interested in me, so there is absolutely no pressure" sort of way. And also, he was cool. My sister has high standards (she just needs to settle down with a nice geek like the rest of us.)

So then McDonald's guy went on an LDS mission. And I wrote to him - because a girl in high school cannot have too many non-commital missionary pen pals. Which is why I also started writing to one of his companions. Even though McDonald guy kept saying, "He's crazy, don't do it!!!"

Fast forward - I go to college. My first semester. And I hear from companion of McDonald's guy - which is a very confusing name, so I'll just tell you what my roommates and I nicknamed him: "Psycho." (Totally the truth - I even wrote a song about this.)

Apparently Psycho was home from his mission. In California. And I was in St George Utah, which sounds like a safe distance to keep up a casual relationship, right? But get this: Psycho is driving with his brother....cousin....random stranger? to Utah to do....something....and wants to go out on a date with me while he's in town. We all thought it was a bit weird, and way too much effort on his part, but I said yes anyway.

Right now I should mention, when dressed properly, Psycho was very attractive. Which, in my first semester of college maturity level, had something to do with my decision to date him, aside from the ludicrous excuse to drive through two states to get here. But I had promised myself, and possibly a few roommates, that I would NOT like him. Because he was, after all, psycho.

The date started early. But he had just driven a long time, so I figured I owed him some time.

We went to a park, to swing. TO SWING. Really. So we swung a little and talked and I was in a very rigid, "I will be nice to you, but I will NOT like you" mood. Because, we were swinging, on a date, that he drove an entire day to get to.

Then we had dinner at Denny's. Very magically romantic, no? But he was paying, and I never (to this day) will turn down a free dinner. And all during dinner I kept my rigidity. I refused to like him.

Then we drove around, and he tried to convince me that he would "make me like him." Which was a little controlling, and kind of weird, and at one point I wondered if I still refused him that he might possibly chop me into little pieces and dump me in the desert.

So we drove some more, and then it got dark. And then he started driving up to the top of the red plateau thingies there. I'm so technical, I know, and I always remember names of places and what not. All you really need to know is that it was dark, I was on a date with a guy I didn't really know, who drove from northern California under questionable circumstances, and we were going somewhere very secluded.

It was a bit scary.

We pulled off the road at a point overlooking the city. I'm sure there was a handy little ledge nearby to push me over. No chopping necessary.

Instead, he turned on his car radio and asked me to dance....I think. Mainly it just involved standing close together with him still trying to convince me to like him. And keeping in mind that it was my first semester of college and I was still an idiot (I'm way more mature now) and because I hadn't been chopped up or thrown over a cliff, I kissed him. Or rather he kissed me, and I freely handed over my lips.

And then we kissed some more. And then....we kissed some more.

But we still called him Psycho. Because after he went home, he stalked me from two states away. Keeping very close tabs on me, and trying to pry any and every bit of personal information from me through 3 hour phone conversations.

And then he flew out to see me on New Years Eve, where we had the "let's just be friends...in a very non-stalking-ish sort of way, ok?" conversation. Which was planned, but a little hard because we also went shopping and I picked out a great pair of jeans that looked totally fab on him, and I was still really immature.

And then he still tried to phone-stalk me (I'm so glad I didn't have a cell phone back in those days) until I finally got a boyfriend who was older...and happened to know Kung Fu.

So there you have it. One of my kissed under the stars stories. Let me know if you ever want to hear the song - it's a classic.

Jan 22, 2009

the magic button

Once upon a time there was a woman with frizzy hair that often was put into ponytails. Not that she didn't want to do her hair, but taking care of her 78 children often prevented her from doing simple tasks such as doing hair (or washing hair for that matter.) Also she didn't really have 78 kids, only 4, but sometimes they seem to multiply and get louder and more demanding.

One afternoon the woman caught her toddler writing all over the tile with a turquoise crayon, while simultaneously dripping snot from his ill little nose. In the background a chorus of coughing and sniffing came from the other children. A bill from an earlier chest x-ray was laying on the table next to a pile of unwashed pajamas and a to-do list that took up at least 148 pages (not double spaced, font point 10 - it was a long list.)

The woman wanted to scream and rip the frizzy ponytails from her head, except that she was too busy yawning and drinking large amounts of caffeine just to keep her eyelids open due to a complete lack in sleep for the past....oh, let's say 5 1/2 years. And just before she slumped onto the couch to push the crayola-ed floor from her mind the doorbell rang.

Outside the door was a shriveled old hag holding a basket of fruit and junk. The woman wished her husband had installed the peep hole, that he bought 2 years ago, so that she wouldn't have opened the door to the hag, but it was too late now.

"Hello, deary," said the hag as sweetly as her toothless mouth could manage, "I have a treat for you."

"I'll take a poison apple, thanks." said the woman, "and make sure to leave a note for husband saying not to kiss and wake me until after I've had a nice LONG nap."

The hag let out a small chuckle, "These apples are for someone else. I have something better for you, my sweet."

She handed the woman a little metal box with a shiny yellow button sticking out of the top. Go figure that the woman was given junk, when clearly her children supplied enough broken toys and bits of paper to fill their very own dump.

The woman wasn't going to except it, but the old hag threw the box at her and yelled, "The button is maaaAAAAagic!!" And then the hag took off running down the street on her wobbly wrinkled legs laughing like a maniac.

The frizzy haired woman locked her door quickly and felt like calling the police. Except that she couldn't find her phone. Possibly it had been replaced by a foam piece by some random ghost. So instead she put the box with the button out of small finger's reach and started making dinner. It felt like a mac and cheese night.

As the macaroni boiled the woman thought of what the magic button could do. She doubted it was magic at all, but sometimes old hags know what they're talking about, right?

Maybe the button would provide her with some magical cleaning powers. One click and the whole house (including those people in it) would be sparkling. And also her hair would be done. Because magic buttons should do that.

Or maybe it would stop time long enough for her to take a nap and watch last week's episode of Ugly Betty online. Stopping time would be good, and something a magic button could surely provide.

And quite possibly the button just let out fart noises when you pushed it. Maybe it would have a selection of over 250 different fart sounds that played at random. The woman's husband would love this little button. Maybe she could save it for a Valentine's day gift.

Once the kids were all seated and properly catapulting mac and cheese from their forks to the far kitchen wall, the woman decided to push the button. Just once. And only to see what it did. If it did anything.

She picked up the box, crossed her fingers for good luck and closed her eyes. The button made a small popping sound as it was pushed. Then the woman was spinning, the room was very bright and their seemed to be glitter everywhere around her.

It was over in a moment and left standing next to a box with a tempting yellow button was a hen wearing a tiara.

Which just goes to show that you should make your husband install that peep hole that he bought years ago so that you never open the door to an old crazy hag with a basket of junk.

The End

Jan 15, 2009

come and get it

You know that book that Sue was doing for the Nienie Recovery Fund? Yeah, the one where I DID THE COVER (because that's what's most important here.)

It's done!!!

Go:

here
HERE
or here
OR
here
HEEEERE
here or here

to buy it.

(Don't get too excited - they all link to the same thing. But it's just too great of a book to get only one measly little link.)

the light is staying on

Did anyone catch Wheel of Fortune tuesday night? The guy who won is one of our church friends. Which makes me practically famous now. He had a big party, and channel 2 news came and everything. And today, I got to go retrieve his big bowl of mostly gone chicken salad from the clubhouse refrigerator before the punk kid who cleans could throw it away. Like I said, practically famous.

Husband is mad at me because I'm staying up late to work again tonight (shhhh, don't tell him I'm blogging.) Mostly the reason that he's mad is because I have been staying up really late the past few nights and haven't been turning the light off when I go to bed.

Wanna know why?

Because it creeps me out.

I hate the dark. And if I turn off the light downstairs I have to take like 4 steps to get to the stairs. And we have a stair light, but there is a shadow on the bottom few steps, and so that adds like another giant go-up-three-stairs-in-one-step to the previously mentioned 4 steps. And do you know what can get you in those few steps in the dark?

LOTS OF THINGS.

I'm telling you, it's creepy.

Of course, I never scare myself with things like foam pieces and beeping watches or anything. I'm totally sane when it comes to things of the creepy nature. It's just that THEY'RE OUT THERE, MAN. (And when I say "they" I mean general monster/ghoulish dark loving things.)

So tonight, right before I started "working" on this post, I had this conversation with Husband:

H: Goodnight...and could you please turn the light off tonight?
M: Goodnight...and nope.
H: Why do you keep leaving it on?
M: Because it's too creepy with it off.
H: Then turn the stair light on.
M: I do.
H: And then just run up the stairs.
M: I do.
H: So why can't you turn it off?
M: Because it's creepy.
H: Why can't you just turn lights off like a normal adult?

Silly Husband, he thinks I'm an adult.

Also, the light will be left on again tonight. Because I don't know if you picked up on this or not, but turning it off is just creepy.

Jan 10, 2009

stuff and more stuff and a little bit of stuff in between

You wanna know what I bought at Costco yesterday? Sure you do.

Oh, by the way, creepy things have not happened since the watch. Apparently my little poltergeist has something better to do. That's right, I am such a dull person that I even bore the dead.

ANYWAYS.

Costco - that really is a lovely store. We just renewed our membership after a year without one. And I am pleased to announce that I am the proud new owner of:

a 12 pound bag of baking soda

Yes, that's a big bag. And I know that people use it for things like cleaning, and brushing their teeth, and laundry stain removal. Not me, though. I just use it for occasional baking.

This bag of baking soda should last me a couple thousand years. It's pretty thrilling.

Oh hey, did you notice that I finally took the turkey wings off the pig in my header? Yeah, it was about time. I made the pig put a coat on, because I didn't want it to catch a cold.

My sister gave me a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble for my birthday, but I don't know what I want to get. I've been thinking about this for like a week, and I still haven't decided. We don't have a lot of book space in this house, so I'm usually a library (or mostly just a borrow from other people) type of person.

And then there's those random 3rd book in a series we own, without buying the whole set. That's just frustrating for future re-reads. Not that I'm a big re-reader, but I might pick them up in a few years when I've forgotten most of the plot, right? Except, oh wait, we only have the 3rd book - how stinking useful, when I've also forgotten the plots to books 1 and 2.

This is the exact reason why I am not planning on buying the actual book I feel like reading right now: Inkdeath. I've read the first two, and this is the final book. It was a good enough series, but I can't just own book three to yet another series.

I was going to just borrow it from the library, but would you believe that every copy is either checked out or put on hold in the ENTIRE area? It must be a good book.

So I'm thinking about just getting a couple paperbacks that aren't in series. But then I can't think of anything in particular I want. I like to read so that I can dive into some other reality for awhile. So if a book has the same boring stuff in it that my life already has, I really don't see the point.

What to do, what to do? Yup, it's a real conundrum. But hey, I own a 12 pound bag of baking soda, so life is still good.

Jan 9, 2009

when there's something weird in your neighborhood

...who you gonna call? No, really. Who?

So I'm sitting here, just waiting for the next weird thing to happen. Hoping it doesn't, but already freaking out inside, because I've been walking around my house in a frightened stupor for a couple of days now.

Not that things are flying around, or dishes are voluntarily throwing themselves from our shelves. Nor have I seen full blown apparitions. But I get the feeling that someone is messing with me. As in, someone not alive. As in, the freakiest feeling on earth. But only when the kids are asleep and Husband is gone, and I am ALL ALONE.

I'm not so excited about this.

But still, nothing huge has happened - not that that was an invitation, whoever you are. (Do ghosts read blogs?) So it could still be my imagination....maybe.

Yesterday, I put my kids on their busses and stuck the little ones in bed. I was eating my lunch and wasting time online when something started beeping. Watch like beeping. (Or bomb like beeping, but I kind of doubted that someone out there wants to physically blow me into a million pieces.)

So I went searching for the beeping.

And in last night's attempt to diaper Monkey before bed I had pulled out an old abandoned diaper bag that I had never cleaned out and it was still sitting on the piano (which is right behind the computer desk, just to give you a clearer mental image.) The beeping was obviously coming from the bag. At the very bottom of the bag was a purple watch head, going off.

I bought this particular watch about 4 years ago, and stopped using it a couple years after when the straps had broken off. I don't really know why it was in the bag, other than there was a lot of crap in there. This bag was tossed into the toy closet about a year ago when I got a new bag.

My husband's theory is that the alarm has been going off every day and we just didn't hear it. But it was clearly audible from outside of the bag, and someone is always in the toy closet and yet no one ever heard it.

Also, upon further inspection, I noticed that the watch is telling PERFECT time. Which isn't that big of deal, except that I can't even keep the clocks hanging on my walls telling the right time. None of them do. Also, I have no clue how to set the time on watches, so chances are that it never really did say the exact right time. And also, I've never replaced the battery in this watch, and it's getting kind of old. Especially if it has been supposedly beeping every day, right?

The creepiest part about it all, is when I discovered that the alarm is set for 9 something at night, and this happened at 1:15. Explain that one.

So yeah....

I'm creeped out. And the thing is, whoever this person is, they're just doing stuff to annoy me. The little foam piece that I do NOT remember putting in my pocket. The whispering monitor (ok that one was super creepy.) And now the watch thing? They have too much time on their hands, and I'm sure they're getting tremendous kicks out of this.

So, whoever you are -ghost reading my blog- STOP IT!!! I mean it. really. please? Because I really don't know who to call.

Jan 7, 2009

some odd goings on

Weird stuff is going on here today and I'm starting to get a leeeetle bit freaked out.

Example number one:

Every school day I let the two little ones nap until the very second that I have to pick up Two Bits from school. And we can't be late picking her up, because we have to be back in time to get Opie off of the bus. It's a very complicated process.

Ok, it's not really. Kind of a pain though.

So, today, it's time to go. I grab my phone off the desk, put it into my hoodie pocket and head to the bathroom really quickly before grabbing the sleeping kids.

Fast forward a few minutes.

I'm sticking Number Four in her carrier carseat when I see Monkey pick up one of those foam puzzle piece thingies....a little one....one he particularly loves to chew and could possibly choke on. But instead of eating it, he brings it over and drops it behind the baby in the carseat. Problem solved.

Fast forward another minute.

We're walking into the garage, and I reach into my hoodie pocket where I also stashed the car keys and realize that my phone isn't in my pocket at all. But instead there is the SAME EXACT little foam piece.

So where's my phone?

On top of a pile of clean Monkey pajamas sitting on our dining room table.

Totally obvious spot, no? Yeah, that took a few minutes to find. And seriously....WHAT THE HECK?!!

So then I'm thinking, "Ok, I'm either going completely insane and did these things without engaging my brain....or I'm some kind of magician and didn't even know it." I was going with the first option, but you never really know.

BUT THEN, it gets creepier.

Ok, just a little bit.

Example number two:

Husband is at the store (we were totally out of diapers, and you know how big of a crisis that can be.) Opie doesn't want to sleep, even though bedtime was an hour and a half earlier, and he's alternating between screaming in his room and coming downstairs to cry.

Then he chooses to yell "MOOOOMMMMMY" from his room. Loudly. And you need to know that I am one of those paranoid mothers that has multiple monitors. One in the boys' room and one in our room for when Number Four is in there without us.

So I'm hearing "Mommy!" over and over and over again through the boys' monitor. But I'm choosing to ignore it. Not because I think he'll stop if I do, but because HOLY COW, I'm tired of this. BUT THEN (this will be better if you play some creepy music in your head) I hear a whispered, very articulate "mommy" come through the baby's monitor. The monitor that is in a completely OTHER room. And immediately after, the baby starts crying.

You're thinking that Opie went in there, don't you? Nope. He was still in his bed, yelling.

So once I dealt with the yeller, I went into my bedroom and woke the baby up even more by flipping on all the lights and searching all of the places a creepy whispering psycho would hide. Luckily, we have a lot of junk in our room (like under the bed) which eliminates a lot of hiding places. And luckily there was so no psycho in there.....seeing as I was completely unarmed and totally stupid for actually looking for him. (Like all the dumb chicks in the movies that open doors really slowly when you know the crazy dude is RIGHT THERE, and oh my gosh how could people be that dumb, run girl run, AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!)

And I would love to insert a creepy example three right here, but I'm really hoping that nothing else happens.

Oh and did I mention that sometimes our monitors interfere with each other? And that I'm also a huge scatterbrained idiot that sets my phone stupid places like on top of clean pajamas? But still.....so creeeeeeeeepy, right?

Jan 5, 2009

I'm going to shoot the sky

...if I weren't afraid that more snow would fall out of the bullet hole.

Why is it snowing so much today? WHY?!!! Oh yeah, that's right, because it's the first day back to school and I actually have to leave my house.

I just had to scrape a snow-shovel-wide path down our front sidewalk so that Opie (the new "Screamer" thanks, Jen) could get to his bus. And then I still had to carry him over the mounds in the road to get on it. He has short legs. The kid would have never made it on his own.

But the sky is not done, and the snow continues to fall.

Would you believe that yesterday we didn't have a single flake anywhere on our residence? Stupid weather.

In a completely unrelated note, I beat my husband 10 to 3 last night at Electronic Guess Who EXTRA. My kids got the game for Christmas - it's way more fun than the old Guess Who because you get to push buttons for 'yes' and 'no.' Also you can choose from different casts of characters, which is a killer upgrade. And most importantly I totally rock at it.

That's right - I ROCK at a game that is marked "ages 6 and up" on the box. I'm the coolest person alive...

My husband, on the other hand, is not so rock-ish when it comes to guessing cartoon characters and pushing buttons. At one point he goes, "I'm getting confused." To which I stated, "Oh come on, our five year old plays this with her imaginary friend!!!" Because it's true. And shockingly this imaginary friend always seems to lose. Just like my husband.

Ok ok, he did get 3 wins in there.

But I think it's safe to say that my Guess Who playing abilities are beyond comparison. Which really doesn't help the fact that the snowflakes just got thicker and more abundant. So I'm either going to go find the gun or close the blinds......depending on how lazy I feel after I grab myself some lunch.

Jan 2, 2009

Where's my cupcake? And it better have a candle on it.

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. I am almost 30.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Ok, actually I'm not that freaked out about it. Well, not yet. Seeing as I'm only almost 28. And in my mind I'm only like 22 AT MOST. So yeah, 30 should be fine. But ask me again in a couple of years, because I might want to dispute that.

I was thinking that if everyone chipped in I could get the gift I really want for my birthday. So open up your wallets and stuff, because I want to wake up in the morning totally skinny, perky boobed and wrinkle free.

Got it?

And if I don't wake up that way, you know I am going to blame you. Yes, YOU.

Oh, and you know what else might be nice? If Screamer was completely potty trained. And we're talking, never have an accident his entire life kind of potty trained. None of this, still has to wear pull-ups to bed, type nonsense. So get right on that - your only hope at this point seems to be sleep hypnosis, because I also expect this first thing in the morning as well and it's a quarter to midnight.

And, just because I'm not done typing, I've decided to re-nickname my children for bloggish purposes. We go through nicknames fast around here. For the first few weeks of our marriage I called my husband "Mr Pants" "Paco" and "Buck Rogers" until he finally got so confused that he couldn't remember his middle initial for a job application. And so they picked someone else for the brain-surgeon position, and now he's just a lowly peg leg salesman. It's tragic really.

So my oldest child, formerly referred to as "Curly", is now going to be called "Two Bits." Because she likes to add onto every conversation with what is obviously the most important opinion - hers. She's such a five year old.

"Screamer" might just keep his name.....we'll come back to him.

And unless we want to change "Monkey" into like "Guitar Monkey" or "Insane-O Monkey" or something, he's keeping his for sure. Oooooh, what about "Axel Monkey" which is a play off of "Axel Rose" and "Grease Monkey" (you know, how you put grease on an axle......people really put grease on axles, right? Um.....now I'm not so sure....let's just stick with "Monkey.")

The baby, confusingly referred to as "Cheeks" in a couple of past entries will now be called "Number Four." Because I want to. So there.

I guess we're back to Screamer, huh? Any suggestions? He's a boy who doesn't like peeing in toilets, eating food that isn't chocolate milk in his Lightening McQueen cup (so don't even think about using that green one, or even one with Spiderman on it, even though he loves Spiderman, and can tolerate the color green, he just can't drink chocolate milk out of them, end of story.) He also told me that his favorite animal is a giraffe. And if the kid had any more Transformers he wouldn't be able to fit on his bed at night, because, yes, they all have to be there. SOOOOOO comfy. What kind of nickname fits?

And in closing -since this is like a well organized speech and I need a conclusion- I found out that you can give your toddler double the amount on infant ibuprofen at 1:30 AM while being half asleep and then freak out about it and call poison control as you plan routes to the emergency room and then find out from the really nice poison control lady that it's not even a big deal because adults take double doses all the time and just to go back to bed already. Yes, there was freaking outedness going on. Yes, he was just fine. And yes, he slept REALLY well after that.

The End.